What do you do when he won't tell them off?

[steppingup]

My DSC's are usually very nice but like all kids they have their moments when they are horrible. This weekend I treated both of them to some new clothes. I didn't get a thank you from either. The boy just picked up the bag and walked away, not seeming to notice that he had been given something! I wasn't best pleased and told my DP so. I explained that I don't expect to be worshiped for buying them something but I do not expect to be ignored. It hurt me that he didn't have a word with them about it and I told him that i was upset with them, and with him for not telling them. Next day my DSD is in a vile mood, she's 11, and she was extremley rude and cheeky to me. DP was there and said nothing. I looked at him hoping that he was about to have a stern word and he didn't speak. So I said to DSD that I am very upset with her for speaking to me like that and I don't expect to be treated that way by anyone, let alone a 11 yr old. I turned to DP and said sort it out. I am furious with DP for not telling them off when they have done something wrong, especially when it is something that hurts me directly and I have told him so. His response was that he wan't them to have a nice time when they are with us and that he would hate to get into an argument with them as it would ruin things. Now to be fair they are usually great but am I wrong in saying that if they are rude/cheeky/disrespectful that they need to be told off? Sometimes sternly if its particularly bad but always need to be told off about it? I feel very sad about it and hurt that my DP will allow them to treat me this way. We have been together 3 years and are getting married next year.

His response was that he wan't them to have a nice time when they are with us and that he would hate to get into an argument with them as it would ruin things.

oh dear, classic Disney Dad syndrome I'm afraid. they are afraid to discipline them because they don't want to spoil what they feel is precious little time they have with them. Of course it doesn't really do them any good as they learn very quickly to play it to their advantage, which is bad for everyone, - and i'm sorry, but especially you.

I'm not sure of the best way to approach it, I personally would try to put it to your DP that imagine if he were still in a relationship with their Mum, would you really allow them to disrespect her (or any other adult) in that way? No? So why allow them to do it to you, they are with his help making a second class citizen of you in your own home.

There will be other Step mums along soon to help you more, - it is very common though I'm afraid, but not too late to have a strategy to deal with it.

I think we all suffer from this to some degree. Some things I try and let wash over me but this is my home too and I want to be treated like a human being in it!
Stand your ground over this - don't let it become normal to treat you badly. Just tell your DP that he needs to expect his DC's to show you the same respect they would show anyone else.
It doesn't do them any good to get away with this. If they treat you properly they won't be in trouble and if they don't then they will - they choose whether or not they have a nice time.

my advice is to nip this in the bud asap I didnt thinking it would soon pass and my DP didnt pull his DD up on her rudeness because of the self same reasons he wants her to have a 'nice time' while here the result is she is a spoilt brat who ignores me completely and gets treated some like sort of royalty (ie daddies little princess) each time she visits every wed and eow this has been going on for 6 years and Ive a few more years of this to deal with, be prepared for a few lots of rows, lots of tears, and being treated like a servant of the lowest order and being invisable each time they visit from both the children and your DP, you may have to learn to detach yourself emotionally from the children and accept that your DP isn't going to parent his children in the way he would have done if he was still living with the mother, sorry to be so negative but i wished that I had sat down with my DP and came up with a strategy for dealing with life in a step family at the begining but the rose coloured specs got in the way and when problems arose it was too late to get my DP to change his disney way of doing things
im sure you'll find out from the topics here that life as a partner of someone who has children can be at times just dreadful and sometimes you get that awful reality check in your head "what the fuck am i doing here"
the only positve thing is as long as you love your partner you can overcome most things and learn to live with the disney dad syndrome as long as you can escape every so often when it becomes unbearable and leave them to it

If they're going to be rude - and if DP does nothing about it - I'd stop doing "nice" things for them. Just do the basics, e.g. meals, and remain polite, but don't go out of your way. Why should you, when you get no thanks ? If DP's so desperate to maintain a "perfect" (for them) atmosphere, let him put in the hard work !

I think most of us these boards have experience of this to a greater or lesser degree. It drives me absolutely bonkers, and can seem even worse if you have kids of your own (whether DP's the father or not) who are disciplined in a normal manner. These men are complete fools if they think they're doing their kids a favour by letting them get away with murder for fear of "upsetting" them. Not only will they be ill prepared for the real world where their self centred rude behaviour won't be tolerated, but they (our partners) also don't seem to understand that each time they allow their kids to be rude/disrespectful to us our feelings for both them and the children erode just a little bit more, which does the relationship no good at all all ways round.

Talk. To your dh. Dh to the kids. You to the kids. All of you. Explain that you care about them and because you care about them, you wanted them to continue to grow up to be good people. You want their time with you to be happy but if they are in the wrong, they will be told.
Are you planning children of your own? If so, this needs resolving even more urgently. How will dh parent your own children? Probably be stricter. So then you will end up with a few scenarios that could arise. 1. Your children feel resentful of sc because they see that Dad treats them in a "better" way. 2. Your sc will see that Dad treats them all differently and will, the older they get, possibly not see this as a good thing because they will see their Dad in his true Dad role (being the way he would probably be if they lived with him) and realise he is not like that with them. It could make them feel less like his children. 3. Your own children will learn bad habits.
It sounds like your sc are generally nice so there aren't huge issues to iron out but I can't recommend talking and honesty enough. Include the children in this. You are not their Mum but you are an adult and they are in your home and, as long as you are showing them respect, it should be returned.
I am a step-child and I am a step-parent. DSD is now 16 and I have been in her life 13 years. I am not her Mum and don't try to be but I have disciplined her where I have needed to (not very often to be fair). DH has always backed me up and, in fact, I think sometimes he needs to cut her a bit of slack and just enjoy his time with her. We have other children and the rules we apply to them also apply to DSD (although they are much younger so some rules have shifted over the years).
DSD sent me a Mother's Day card saying Thank you for always being there. She understands that, although we discipline her, we do it because we love her and she is grateful for the fact that none of our children are treated any differently. I know all this because we have spoken about it.
We don't always get it right but our over-riding philosophy is that our home belongs to all our children and the rules within stand regardless of which child that is, they are all our children no matter how many days a week they spend with us.

Thank you for your responses. I have tried to talk to DP about it and on the rare occasions when the kids need telling off I will tell them, I think I've only ever shouted at them once or twice and once was when my DSS threw the xbox control into the TV screen and broke it because he lost the game! I thought that deserved a yelling!! We genrally have a great relationship, all 4 of us and I think thats why it hurts me so much when they are rude and disrespectful and DP doesn't do anything about this. I will always correct them if they do wrong but I feel that my DP needs to do so too, especially if I am on the receiving end. My DSD is at the moody stage as she is 11 and can go from angel to devil in seconds. My DP said that she is growing up so is bound to be rude and obnoxious at times. My response was that growing up is not an excuse to be horrible. It may be the cause sometimes but that does not mean it doesnt need punishing. I will try again to get him to see that manners cost nothing and rudeness will always end with a telling off.

I think in most relationships there will be one person stricter than the other. Adults are often afraid to be the strict one as they'll be liked less, but children secretly respect them more and like them as much as they would anyway. Stick to your guns and ensure DP backs you up, whether or not it is him or you that does the telling off. Get him to agree that if he won't discipline them, then he will back you up when you do. You may not be their Mother, but you are an adult in charge of your household and they are part of that so need to abide by your rules. Just because he is their Father it doesn't mean he should be the only one to discipline them.
I am the strict one in our house and thankfully DP always backs me up by looking stern as I do the telling off even if I know he wants to burst out laughing!

Please try to nip this in the bud - my DSD is 30 this year and is the most rude and sanctimoneous person you could ever meet. To go into details would take ages - but believe me - her father finds her totally obnoxious when she's gone home and joins in analysing her bad behaviour and ability to upset everyone else but as soon as she is back in our house he creeps round her like she's some precious jewel - he says he does this because to upset her would ruin everyone's weekend - I'm thorougly sick of it and if I wasn't so old (51) and trapped in everyone's lives (elderly mum, grandson, daughter, partner who is a recent heart attack patient) - I would leave and start again on my own - I really have had enough - sorry but this really sparked a fuse in me - please look to the future and I know this sounds bad but be a be selfish and keep something back for your own sanity :(