judgemental opinionated borderline racist step child - what to do??

[glendathegoodwitch]

i have 2 step sons (13 & 11) i have been with their dad for 6 years married for 3 have son 11 from a previous and daughter together 5 and expecting another.

we have regularly had sc every other weekend since we met and although in the beginning i tried to be friends get on with them and 'like' them we now just rub along and i stay out of their way as much as possible which is hard as for 50% of the time we have them dad is working.

we have had problems over the years and it seems to be highs and then lows

the most recent one i have no idea what to do though it causes me to want to banish them forever but i know thats not possible

i know this post already makes me sound like some cruella evil bitch but please hear me out

right from the start it has been blatently obvious me and their BM has totally different parenting styles - im quite liberal, loving, open minded, nuturing (i know you dont believe me) want to give my children everything i never had (mostly the basics like cuddles, telling them how much they mean to me, nice things included) where as she seems totally different she has dressed them in age appropriate clothes for the past 6 yrs so when 10 they wear age 10 despite the fact the clothes hang off them (they are very slight built kids), they have to earn their 'good' toys (psps, xbox etc) by being good rather than taking them away when naughty, and for birthdays they get colouring books and watches and she leaves the 'big' presents to us

they thing that has got my knickers in a twist now is the eldest - few months ago i had to have a real go at him and get OH to back me up when DD game downstairs pulling her eyes out and saying wang wang OMFG i nearly had kittens - i dont know if im being oversensitive but i find that racist so we told him we wont have that kind of language in this house

last week the eldest and DS were playing fifa and a random game came up and he said i'm not being germany ever - i asked why not - cos of the war!!! again WTF???

and today - my son had surgery last week to correct a sticky out ear and the eldest again sat there making comments 'well its still not the same as the other one - its bigger - still look odd!!!! i really want to banish this kid from my house but i cant :( i hate having to tell my kids not to behave like they do we have taught our kids right from the word go that everyone is different and whether people are a different race, sexuality, nationality or whether they want to have piercings in every oriface and purple hair that that is fine and their choice

OH will not approach his ex for whatever reason so every week it continues....

so sorry for the rant but i hate living in my house with children i dont particulary like and i know its the parent not the children but as we only have them 52 nights of the year we cant hope to impress our ideals on them to combat what they get at home :(

any advice????

Before I reply, can you clarify if "wang" is a typo? I've not heard of it before other than it being the us version of wank so not aware of it being racist.

Earning good toys by being good is called positive reinforcement.

They dont sound awful at all. Just normal kids. Gawd, I would hate to have been a step kid.

I think you are being oversensitive and not very in tune with your step children. They sound normal to me.

Um I have to be honest I almost NEVER get critical on the step boards, but you do seem to have extremely critical, unrealistic expectations and are being dare I say it a bit of a drama queen - not giving big toys unless they earn it is good parenting. Is everything else ok - are you finding being a step very difficult? Do you have other children of your own?

Oh sorry - just saw the bit about the ear one being your son. It is shit when they pick on your kids and makes you see red, but in a normal family older kids tease younger - its a sibling thing.

Also, if you only have them 52 nights a year, why is dad working for half of it? You shouldnt really be doing half their access time alone, it isnt fair.

Glenda - you have my wholehearted sympathy for being a step mum and not liking the kids - I was in the same position but many years ago. They are grown up thank god with families of their own. We keep in touch with the boy but the girl was a horror (well suppose she was a confused kid really) but I was young and money was tight and like you I had a son from a previous and DP and me had another son together. I didn't used to like myself for my extreme dislike of this child, even if she was a pretty little girl, and looking back (am older and wiser now) might have done it differently but not sure really because I am fine with ss's children but sd's children bring out the same feelings of dislike in me. She lives other end of the contry thank god.

Having savid that I have never heard of "wang wang" being a racist expression. My grandson is very keen on soldiers and always wants to know who are the "good guys" and the bad guys. He found a pile of soldiers here the other day that belonged to his dad, and many germans among them, but we said they were the Wiermark (sp?) and not german.

I am sure you were very hurt about the ss making that remark to your son but I agree that it is something any older brother might have said.

I think the most pertinent comment is that you "hate living in a house with children yu don't like" and to be honest I think this is the same for many many step parents. I hated access weekends and school holidays. I think we try to find things that the step-kids have done to justify our dislike of them, but at the bottom of it, don't think we would feel the same if they were our own kids.

You certainly have a houseful with 2 boys the same age (always difficult) and a little girl and new baby. Look at it this way - when your ss's become teenage I think you will find they want to visit less and less as they have their own friends and activities (this is what happened for me anyway). I don't think you can expect your DH to speak to their mother about anything - he is trying to keep the cart on the wheels, just like my DP did. On another step parent thread I heard these dads who have access with their kids called Disney dads, which I thought was very apt. Mine used to say he didn't want to upset them as he only saw them at certain times, whereas I had my sons with my the whole time, which was true.

Incidentally how does your DH treat your 11 yr old from a previous. I have seen problems on that side of things too. My son was 2 when me and my DP got together and all was fine till he got around 12, and then he started picking on him for stupid things and this caused no end of rows, as I always stuck up for my son. That too is in the past as son is grown with kids of his own and him and my DP have an excellent relationship now.

Anyway best end now as already a bit long.

hi

thank you all for your replies - wang wang is said by both boys whilst pulling their eyes sideways to mimic chinese people - i have no idea where it comes from but have a real problem with my daughter copying it. their language is all 'jesus christ, damn, crap...'etc which although not filth is not language i want me 5 yr old to say. everything we have rules on in this house they seem not to at theres - like going to the toilet before or after a meal not in the middle, i know i sound picky but after 6 yrs of every meal (especially out) turning into a whining session cos they need the loo and us refusing is beyond funny - i spose this all sounds lame to anyone who hasnt been there but after 6 years of banging head against a brick wall it still gets me down - i just look forward to the day they will say they dont want to come anymore cos they too old but i have visions of them coming over at 28 lol

this problem is only the latest one of many spanning the past 6 years - i also have a problems with them blatently ignoring what i say - they dont sleep very well as they have to share a room so they always take hours to go to sleep and are always up at stupid o'clock (4 or 5) so when i say stay in your room and read quietly so as not to disturb the rest of the house they ignore me , go downstairs on wii, pc, xbox and generally make a huge row - so then they sit on the sofa for the rest of the day for ignoring me in my own home - if a visitior came to my house and ignored house rules they would be asked to leave, if my 2 kids ignore house rules they would be punished (they rarely do they are good kids) but with these 2 im lost!!

my husband is an amazing father and has taken on my son as his own and has got pr for him should anything happen to me - my ds respects him, calls him dad and has a really easy going relationship with him, better than his own with his children - but before everyone jumps on its the way we are in our household - we praise good, we tell our kids how proud we are how much we love them etc and we show respect saying sorry if we are in the wrong.... and have a real fun time, the boys unfortunately are not used to such openness and affection so have never felt comfortable when we have play fights or bomb outside for a snowball fight.

i understand that positive reinforcement is a style of parenting but not in this extreme they pretty much sit at home and watch tv 75% of the time and only get privileges if mum remembers or isnt busy with the baby etc....

dad has to work he has 2 jobs and one of them (the better paid one) is nights at weekends - he haas done this before i met him and he would love to give it up but at the moment we cant afford to, i work also, so am not sat on my butt while he does all the work.

The wang wang thing might be a bit racist, however, the rest of the stuff sounds ok. Positive reinforcment is good parenting. The Germans and war thing is ok too, because lets face it, they were an evil force in WW2, forgive but lets not forget that they tried to take over Eastern and Western Europe and committed millions of Jews, homosexuals and foreigners to concentration camps. My advice would be to stop slagging off their birth mum as she is doing a good job. Try and build your relationship with them, Kids will be kids, good luck.

If your DH is such an amazing father why is he letting 2 of his children ignore the house rules and ignore you?

I have been a step for many years and have had a fair share of troubles and had to bite my lip plenty so I understand how you feel about different parenting styles but...you have lots of criticism for their mum, but I'm assuming she loves them, even if her parenting isn't up to your standards. You don't like them. Who do you think is damaging them most?

I think the German thing is probably something theyhave heard at school. My DD is six and has grown up with mixed races in the family, gay people in friends and family and a very multi cultural school - she has still come out with some clangers in her time

It might not be Mum. saying that, My DSDs mum is rasist - she has said things to me before like (when lookingat photos of DSd when she was little and had an african friend) "Goodness isn'tit awful when they keep choosing to play with the little black ones, we moved to the UK to get her away from them!" So I've had a tough time correcting DSD when she has come out with racist remarks - youre not supposed to disagree with Mum are you - but you can't leave that unchalleneged!

I'd go along with others that they sound like good kids. You sound like a very patinet and loving mum with all the cuddles and gifts etc, maybe extend that a little more to your steps..? If theyre not used to holding their wee I think some patience in that aea may be required. Talking with mouths full or throwing food/ shouting at the table etc, butnot going to the tilet is failry extreme IMO. As is waiting in bed quietly at such an age. Could you set up quiet games downstairs for them to wake up to?

Arghh! typos! So sorry!

I have children similar ages to you. Some of your griefs i'd agree with (poor language, racism etc) but others not. For example, my boys wouldn't stay in their rooms if asked, and quite often come own stairs and play on their wii. As long as they are not being noisy, I think it's fine. Kids that age are becoming independent, so to us a cliche, you have to pick your battles.

Maybe some family days out are needed such as bowling.

Last night my DSS 8 was perching the football and he said something about Nazi, referring to the German player. My DSS is in no way racist and after the appropriate telling off and explanation from my DH & I, I really don't think he'll come out with it again.
Kids experiment with 'naughty words' etc but you know that OP. I think you're probably just at the end of your tether so are seeing bad in all the boys do.

I feel for you, although I do agree with others that you come across a little harsh on the boys and judgemental of their mum. But again, if you're at the end of your tether it's an easy route to go down.

You must be knackered with 4 kids, plus being pregnant. I know I am and I'm only pregnant with 2 kids but the school holidays this time have really taken their toll on me.

Do you maybe need some time out? Take your DD and have a girls day before new baby arrives? Or go somewhere, just you, even if just for an hour?

Watching, not perching the football!!

I think what you need are clearer house rules. You mention that you do have house rules, and if you do, then just work on enforcing those, and don't waste your time trying to change how they act at the other house - but make it clear what won't be tolerated in yours'. Maybe a written list of the rules, posted up?

Racist talk and jokes should be a clear "no", with a predictable consequence.

(I have teenage DSCs and a toddler DD, and have to deal with the same sort of thing.)