Help – Disney Dad & A levels – what should I do?

[justnotcricket]

Hi, I?m new here, so please excuse me if I get something wrong. I?m a new 'BoM' and having a tough time at the moment in general but I?ve got a specific issue that I?d like your advice on....

DSD is 18 and studying for A levels this June. She moved in with us full time when her mum died last summer. She has had a terrible time of it for the last few years (issues with both her mum and dad) and has got really behind at school.

This year things have settled down a bit for her (if not for me!), and DSD seems to be working harder. Her teachers are predicting a low grade in one of her subjects though ? and it?s the one she needs to do well in to get into uni. DH spoke with the teachers and thinks that they just don?t like her and there is no way she is going to do so badly. DH reacted really badly after that conversation with the teachers, and in general hates to hear any sort of criticism of DSD. Any minor comment that I make is misconstrued and ends in an argument. So I tend to bite my tongue a lot.

Last weekend a family friend, who is a retired teacher, offered to do a revision session with DSD at her house. I was concerned that all might not be well so asked for some feedback. Not good. Her basic understanding is not there and she basically hasn?t a clue. The view is she might pass but won?t do well at all. Unless there is a major transformation asap.

I have tried to suggest getting a tutor for DSD, and DH has half-heartedly looked, but seems reluctant to get a tutor that we don?t know, or hasn?t been personally recommended. It?s questionable if doing anything now will help in any case ? exams start soon.

Relations with both DSD and DH are strained anyway and I?m worried that if I raise this with DH it will make things worse. What should I do?

Hi justnot- Welcome to the wacky world of BoMs

How does DSD feels about getting a tutor ? Did you , DH and DSD actually sat down to discuss ?

Thankyou! I think DSD would be happy to have a tutor. She is a very 'peopley person' and responds well to the right kind of person (mostly warm bubbly women!), but not to everyone. DSD called her old piano teachers to see if anyone could recommend someone. But no luck, so the idea has been dropped I think. Should I pursue further?

It would be a shame if she didn't get help that would hep her pass with a good mark. Why is your DH not pursuing this more ?

Can the school help at all ?

Oh, poor girl losing her mum :(

I think you are doing the right thing taking an interest. Try to make this into a positive thing - make sure she knows how strong she is, and how proud you both are, that she is still studying despite what's happened.

Get a tutor - if she is amenable to the idea, then frankly sod what her dad thinks!

where do you live and what subject is it?

Thanks for the suggestions so far.

It is awful for DSD, losing her mum - and she has coped really well overall. But we all are struggling to adjust to our new situation - DH and I only got married last summer, so it's not like we're really well established as a couple yet.

I am not sure why DH is not pursuing - I think DH thinks there actually isn't really a need and that she is going to do fine.

I think DH might have burned our bridges with the school a bit - I know he was pretty upset/angry by the phone call with the teacher. I wasn't there at the time - so I am not sure what he said to them.

We are in SW London, and it's music A level.

your DSD is lucky to have you .

Like Freudian said- just do it and get a tutor. I think your DH is just avoiding the issue.

Thanks - I have contacted a few tutors in the area so will see if I can find someone suitable.

Am interested that no-one has suggested yet that I tell DH about the poor feedback. I know it wouldn't go down well, but if she was my child - would I want to know? I think I would. But those of you with more experience can advise?

I would definitely tell him and explain that it's better to act later than not at all in this case.

DBD10 has had issues in school and DH & I always discussed ways of helping her improve her skills. OTOH her mother doesn't seem concerned with school results at all so I guess she doesn't value having a good education as much as we do.

Ok - have found a tutor and DH has agreed we'll call tonight to get things started. Might wait for a while to see what the tutor has to say about DSD's progress.

My family was always very focussed on education and I value it hugely. Fingers crossed DSD will get the help she needs.

Thanks so much for your posts - really helpful to get your perspectives.

Hi, What a lovely step mum you are..I think your DH is fortunate to have you

Just a quick update and a thankyou! So helpful to get a second opinion from BoMs who really understand.

So the tutor came over this morning - she is perfect - tough but fair and just what DSD needs to hopefully get her on track. I also told DH the feedback from our family friend - it didn't feel like a good conversation at the time but he gets it now and we are definitely moving forward I think.

Thanks for the words of support too - I struggle most days with my BoM role! But feel that I have done the right thing here... :o

Come over to mine tomorrow and you can see for yourself!

I'm thinking they're the type of Dad's who don't live in the real world! Bless them!

ahh that makes sense
i'm hoping dp doesn't turn into one gawd help him if he does mwahhaha

This young girl has had a rotten time. It must be hard.

Maybe, she's not "up to it", the A Levels or maybe she cannot cope with work considering the time she's been having.

You should both ask her, what she wants to do.

I was pushed into A'levels that I was not prepared for. I had had a shocking time and needed major "time out". My parents pushed and pushed and I failed. I didn't resit. I am now 49 and regret not taking time out and doing them a year later when I may have done well (it was PREDICTED that I'd do well) and who knows, my life may have been entirely different!

ASK HER WHAT SHE FEELS SHE WANTS TO DO/IS CAPABLE OF under these traumatic circumstances.

LaDolce - another good suggestion. I think this is something we should have done sooner but she has coped amazingly well despite everything. And her grades in her other two subjects have improved significantly this year. And so far it does seem like she is enjoying working with the tutor.

As you suggested I did talk to DH about it yesterday - so maybe we did make a mistake, but I think at this stage we just need to support her and hope that she is up to it. Fingers crossed.