Any advice to help with the move from 'gfs children' to 'step children'?

[PiousPrat]

I have 2 DSs, 10 & 11. Their father lives 350 miles away and isn't a huge part of their lives, seen them 6 times in 7 years and phone contact for 5-10 minutes 3 times a month or so. I have been with my DP for 4 years, he lives 300 miles away (opposite direction to ex) and am pg with DS3, DP's child. In a couple of months the DC and I will be moving in with DP, about a month before DS3 is born.

Do you have any advice on how to make the transition from weekend playmate to equal parent a bit smoother? DP is great with the kids, they adore each other and we are applying for PR for him to help with the equality. DC are thrilled with this and have asked if they can take his name (well, we are double barreling both of ours for DS3, so our names really). They currently have ExP's name.

The problem I can foresee is that the DC tend to look at DP more as a playmate than a parent, because when he comes to visit we go out and do activities together, mostly because we (DP and myself) are both big kids and enjoy going on zipwires and the like as well and when we stay at DP's it is during school holidays, so they have gotten used to his house being more like a holiday home and I am concerned that the change in circumstances might prove tricky.

They have always had chores to do at DPs house, same as they do at home so it isn't all fun and games and quite often while we are there, he is at work during the day so they are already used to that aspect of living together, they aren't expecting it to be one long holiday with both adults around all the time and endless trips out.

DP and I have discussed in the past the line we take with regards to what is allowed and what isn't and so present a pretty united front so I am hoping there won't be issues with them playing us off against each other (although I accept that with the teenage years looming, a certain amount of attempts at that are inevitable, regardless of family set up ) and fortunately, we share a pretty similar view of how to parent so I am hoping that will stand us in good stead.

I guess what I am asking is do we go straight for the 'we live as a family in this house now, here is how it will be' or ease into the transition from it being DP's house and where they go during holidays to it being their full time home? Should DP go for full and equal parenting from the off or ease into it to help the transition? Is there anything he can do to help make it easier, or anything I can do to help him?

It is already going to be a time of great upheaval for them, moving so far away, starting new schools & having a new sibling (that they see, ExP has 3 daughters and one on the way but they rarely see them and the girls aren't old enough to talk on the phone so they don't really have much contact) so I am hoping there will be a way to minimise the disruption of throwing an extra parent into the mix as well.

Sorry, that was incredibly long

Hi there, I would just see what happens. at 10 & 11 they are probably about to hit a big hormone surge and anything you plan based on who they are now will be irrelevant in a year or so anyway.

My only advice is to keep you eye on the ball and don't let anything drift. Start as you mean to go on. Set boundaries and stick to them.

You sound absolutely lovely and I'm sure that you will be one big happy as any of us can expect to be with preteens family

Cross bridges when you come to them I think isd the key here. One thing that kids are predictable about is being unpredictable.

So, expect the unexpected? looks round for the Spanish Inquisition

Thanks PYB. I'm sure I'm overthinking it, but it is about the only part of the whole thing I have control over, so am obsessing on it a wee bit I think

I think you are right PP to be thinking over these things. As you say your boys are going to be facing some major life changes all at the same time. Leaving their schools (not so bad if they are both still in primary) friends, extended family? Also living with your DP which will be very different from the part time thing that goes on at the moment and a new baby, of which DP is the father and he is sure to dote on the newborn, and your boys may feel pushed out.

You say you have been together for 4 years but presumably you 2 have never lived together on a whole time basis, and so this is going to be a new thing for the 2 of you too. You do sound very level headed and I think it is a very positive thing that you are thinking this whole thing through. I think so many people go into these situations, thinking that they are alll going to behow one happy family and this is not usually the case.

Have you and your DP talked about these things - if not I think you should. Apart from that there is not a great deal you can do because you can't predict or control how things will work out.

Good luck to you all anyway

Thanks NN Yes we have discussed it, endlessly it seems but I have my worry head on so am stressing that I haven't thought up contingency plans for every eventuality which is going to mean sure and certain doom. I think the pregnancy may be messing with my mind somewhat as I am usually laid back to the point of being catatonic!

We are very aware of the impact the new baby will have on DS1&2, and DP has been great (better than me in fact ) at anticipating this and getting them involved as much as possible so that they feel the baby is an addition to the whole family, not just mine and DPs baby IYSWIM? DS2 especially is getting into it and has been sitting down with DP and an online room planner so between them they have planned, mentally decorated and kitted out the nursery. DS1 and I have been mainly sitting together rolling our eyes at them getting so carried away

You are right, we have never lived together before as my studies and the DC's schools kept me stuck in the South and his trade and family kept him in the North, so it will all be new and take some getting used to which is why I was asking for hints and tips. We do spend every school holiday together but although that means they are used to the house/area/routine etc, it also adds to my concern that they see it as a bit of a holiday home.

I realise that any advice anyone gives me will probably never be needed as one can never plan for everything and sometimes things come up that you need to deal with on the spur of the moment, but I think it would give me etra peace of mind to have some advice from someone who has been there and can say 'well this worked for us' or 'we did this and it was a total disaster' just so I have a bit of an idea what to expect I think.