DSS and choices about contact (might be long)

[balia]

Trying to be as brief as possible - DH has a defined contact order. This weekend we should have DSS (9) overnight. We have plans to go camping with friends and our 2 DC's. However, ex is very anti-contact and often makes holiday contact, in fact any kind of communication, as difficult as she can. Often she makes DSS the go-between.

So DSS says his Mum's family are having a party this weekend and he wants to go. DH and I talk about it, agree that it is what he wants then he should be able to, that DH will ask for the contact to be another weekend or half-term. On the way home, DSS asks if we'll get our money back for the campsite. DH says we won't need to, as we'll still be going. DSS seems upset by this, so DH says there'll be lots of other times when we can all go together.

When they get to ex's house, DH asks about the weekend, ex says yeah, they're having a get together, nothing special, can he pick up DSS at 7pm? DH says afraid not, we're going off camping, suggests a swap. DSS then pipes up - no he wants to go camping. Ex gets in a flap about how he can't possibly miss the party etc ect.

DH leaves, the whole thing is unresolved. So is DSS playing his mum and dad off each other? Not sure what to do now.

I think his Mum should have either not mentioned the party or, if it did come up, she should have said that it was a shame but he would miss it as he would be at his Dad's but that there would be other partys and that he would have a lovely time with his dad.
He can only play the parents off against each other if they let him and that is what has happened. You don't say if this type of thing has happened before but I would say that if it had been a big occassion then it's reasonable to change the contact but it's not fair on him if his mum "mentions" something that is happeneing with her everytime he is due to be at his dad's. he shouldn't have to be choosing and he shouldn't be a go-between.
In your shoes - unless it will actually start WW3 - I would stick to your plans and take him camping.

Ideally, yeah, she shouldn't have mentioned it or asked us to swap, but unfortunately she has a lot of issues and thinks that if he chooses to spend time with her over time with Dad than she is 'winning' and that he loves her more. We stick to plans whenever possible, but if try against her wishes she simply won't be there at handover time.

She says she is going to 'think about it' and have another discussion with DH in the week. It's just a bit of a surprise really as DSS has never openly gone against his mother's wishes before 'because she screams'. So although she has put him into the 'choosing' position (which she thinks is a good thing, and has done since he was 2 or 3) before, it has been clear it wasn't a genuine choice, IYSWIM.

If he is playing them off against each other, should we tell him he now can't come camping?

I think this boils down to the mum not respecting the contact order. Parents overrule children all the time - they do not get to choose what they want to do all the time. i.e I want to stay up late, go to a friends house, have a sleepover on a school night. We as parents make choices for them.

Your DSS hasn't fully understood the consequences of making a decision - he probadly would have liked to have had both options but life isn't like that and often we have to choose. I believe a good parent helps a child to make a decision which is right for them - and spending time with a dad is very important, camping is also great for a child of this age. The mum could have been reassuring, told DSS that he would have other times to see family and that he should go off camping and have a lovely time with his dad.

Real shame - I bet your DSS is feeling disappointed