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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I don't know what to do. Advice anyone?

16 replies

doyoumissmetoo · 24/04/2011 09:45

DP spent yesterday at a theme park with his ex and the boys(aged 7 and 10). They then went to a family BBQ at his ex's parents place where they stayed pretty much all night. It's not just days out, DP often goes over to her house for supper etc. This morning he left extra early so he could go there and set up the easter egg hunt for them.

I knew from the start of this that DP and his ex were close and I think it's lovely that they get on well enough to spend time together but it's no secret that the eldest wants them to get back together. Do you think days like this are hindering his acceptance that they are divorced? When I spend time there DSS1 completely blanks me and refuses to acknowledge me, I know it's a difficult age but I sometimes wonder if its partly to do with his expectations that his parents will one day reunite and live happily ever after.

I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way, I just think it must be confusing for them both - one day spending time with Mummy and Daddy and everything being lovely and the being at Daddy's house with me there. I don't tend to go there often when they're there (DP doesn't want to upset DSS1) but when I am there I'm often sent home after an hour or so.

Anyway, to make things 100 times more complicated and confusing I've just found out I'm pregnant. I've not told DP yet and to be honest I don't know if this is right at the moment. I'm on the pill and I'm not sure what the hell has happened. If I continue with the pregnancy I don't know where I stand. I've even considered breaking things off with DP and moving somewhere to have the baby on my own, I just don't know what to do. In some ways I know a termination and going back to normal would make the most sense but I don't think I could do that. I've always wanted children but this couldn't have come at a worse time.

DP's ex doesn't even know that he's with someone (part of me wonders if she did know would she be so insistent on family outings and him going there so often - I don't know). This is all one big mess. When he's here I feel I can just be normal and almost put it all out of my head for a bit but all of last week and yesterday and now this morning I've been dwelling on this. These circumstances aren't how I imagined having my first child! I love him but we don't live together. His boys spend half the week at his house and I appreciate that this is their time with him.

So yes, that is what is on my mind. No one knows I'm pregnant yet - it's very early on and I don't want to tell anyone if I don't end up going through with it though. I couldn't bear it.

OP posts:

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 24/04/2011 09:53

Oh Blimey. What a situation :(

I agree with you that it is irresponsible of them having days out like that. It probably works for some split families but given the other circumstances it must be messing with their heads. It is of course entirely natural for them to want mummy and daddy back together and it must be awful for them to then go back to normal after a lovely day out.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 24/04/2011 09:54

Have to ask though - how on earth does his ex not know he is seeing someone, when his children have met you?

Original poster

doyoumissmetoo · 24/04/2011 09:58

I don't think they talk about me. This is just what I get from DP anyway. He's said he doesn't want to have to answer any of her questions and doesn't feel the need to tell her the goings on in his life. It's strange seeing as they're so close I would have thought he would have mentioned it by now but I just let him get on with it.

OP posts:

JaxTellersOldLady · 24/04/2011 10:01

It sounds like you are "the other woman" to me, and not an equal partner at all.

While it is nice that they are doing family things together the vast majority of splits happen for a reason and family things tend to end. Being civil to an ex partner is one thing but having cosy days out and BBQs at the parents in law is another.

mankymummymoo · 24/04/2011 10:01

how long have you and DP been together?

mrsravelstein · 24/04/2011 10:06

agree with JTOL - i am amicable with ex husband and his parents, but the most that extends to is sometimes having a cup of tea with them at drop off/pick up, and on ds1's birthday generally the whole family come over to ours for a few hours (exh, his gf, their kids, ex inlaws, that side's uncles/aunts). any more than that i would think odd, and definitely confusing to the kids... i suspect that many children of divorced parents don't EVER stop hoping their parents will reunite...

Original poster

doyoumissmetoo · 24/04/2011 10:08

mankymummymoo we've only been together for 8 months. He and his ex have been divorced for 4 years.

jaxtellersoldlady I've often felt that I'm "the other woman". I know it sounds mad but I feel so guilty sometimes - like I'm splitting up a family when he spends time with me, even though they've already divorced.

OP posts:

Original poster

doyoumissmetoo · 24/04/2011 10:12

mrsravelstein my parents divorced when i was very young and always got on very well with each other. I think that's why I didn't bat an eyelid when we first got together. I agree that there is a boundary somewhere though and this has become an increasingly odd situation.

OP posts:

mankymummymoo · 24/04/2011 10:14

You need to decide whether you want this baby first. Irrespective of whether you end up staying with DP.

If you decide you do want the baby then you need to sit DP down, tell him you are PG and how you feel about that. i also think you need to make it clear that if you have this baby together then he has to be open about to his ex about you and the new baby.

It certainly wont be easy, and there will be a lot of resentment initially probably from his first family.

Put yourself and your baby (if you decide to have it) first.

mankymummymoo · 24/04/2011 10:17

BTW... i dont think its hugely odd the way their relationship is now. As far as she knows, he has no other commitments and therefore is probably including him because its nice for him and for their children.

My ex lives next door with his new partner and its fine. I dont think its about how close ex's are, more how the ex reacts and deals with the new partner. I see ex's partner as a second mum to DC and actually she is really lovely. And I love her for the way she is so wonderful with my DC.

LaDolcheRyvita · 24/04/2011 18:43

Agree with mankymummymoo.....from the moment your test was +, it's actually about you and baby.

I think THAT MUCH amicable contact, even for kids, is really too much. They are NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE. End of. Does he want to move on? And by that I don't mean abandon the children he has with her but really.....it all sounds too cosy for comfort (to me).

You haven't known him that long. You are unexpectedly pregnant. This is QUITE a situation.

Good luck.

glasscompletelybroken · 25/04/2011 11:18

I don't think it's helpful to the kids IMO. It sends confusing messages and if they really still want their parents to get back together then it gives them a false hope. Cosy family days out just make the kids feel that everything could be the way they want it. I'm all in favour of good relationships with the ex when their is children involved but this is going to far.

I would be worried in your shoes that she will be a much bigger part of your life than you would want or be able to live with and I agree with other posters who have said that this has to be about you and your baby. Make the plans you want for you and if he wants to commit properly then fine but if not I would go your own way - the situation sounds like a nightmare.

tvoffnowplease · 25/04/2011 21:09

I'm sorry but why the b'jesus doesn't his ex know he has a patner? Why can't you go along to these days?
IMO he is having his cake and eating it i.e. wife and kids and family life, then a fun carefree life with you on the side. I'm sorry but in no world would I accept this.

And yes, it is very wrong to do this to the kids. I have read a lot about how to get children through divorce and the feeling they have. Its a bit like the grief cycle. There is a stage where they fantasise about mum and dad getting back together. What your dp and his ex are doing is stopping the children pass that faze.

Could you guide him towards some literature on the subject?

If they get on so great why arent they still toegther??

redfairy · 26/04/2011 12:19

Personally I think telling him about the baby will help clarify exactly what his intentions may be towards you and you can work from there. At the moment your working with a big bunch of 'what-ifs' and 'maybes'

I think your DP is allowing an untenable situation to continue and its not fair on you, the ex (whom is either in the dark, or chooses to be) or his children. No-one is being allowed to move on and it's now four years down the line.

Abip · 26/04/2011 15:14

I'm sorry but have to agree with many of the responses here. It almost sounds like your the woman on the side.

How does he thinks you feel when he goes for days out? I do not believe that this in any way is acceptable. But I know this will sounds harsh, he will only be doing this as you are letting him do it.

I would be telling him you are pregnant as this is a joint child between both of you. But ultimately if things dont change I would be gone imo

Anushka11 · 26/04/2011 16:15

I am afraid I also have to agree that this does not help the children.
My DP mad the same mistake for the last 10 years, ever since he split with his ExW, as she had an affair.
He has spent a lot of the time in her house(their old marital home) to see the children, now 18,15,13. They have been on days out, holidays, he has spent Xmas, and Easter there, slept over, stayed the week when she has been away, friends with her parents, spend all weekend most weekends etc, etc.
Over the years she has had various partners (1 of them live-in), he has had various loose relationships, none serious.
Now, both are in serious relationships- ExW is planning to enter into civil partnership in November, he is with me.

The "children" treat me as if I am the woman who has broken up the marriage, as if I have taken the father away from the family. The oldest has actually said she always wanted them to get back together- remember this girl is 18, the parents split 10 yrs ago, and the mother is gay!

They have totally unrealistic expectations about what his role should be in this set-up. They have seen the family unit as children, mother, father- in fact, they have had their father present more then some kids whose parents are married!A lot of the time they had both parents all weekend, holidays, and several nights in the week. Whether they were divorced or not made no difference to them.

Their perception of the situation has been seriously warped, their relationship to their father is clingy and juvenile. They are only now starting to deal with the divorce, and they expect him to be at their beck and call, have no needs of his own, and so does ExW.
Very bad thing to do, blurring the boundaries.

And yes, I do feel like the mistress in this equasion!
(DP is working hard on sorting this out, to his credit, and blames himself for not seeing this)

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