I want to survive being an 'outsider' because I do love my DP

[roxron]

My problem may not seem so bad to those of you who have younger stepchildren who are in your life on a regular basis with all those difficult and regular issues you have to deal with. But one day you will all have older stepchildren too and I always believed that's easier but it is not. My DP is recovering from a heart attack (four months ago) and is doing well. We seem to be drifting apart because he cannot understand my insecurities. His grown-up children can be spoiled and very secular and he has always been the same when he is with them. We have been together for over 11 years and when they are with us - me and my feelings become a neurotic inconvenience - its almost as if I am in the way. I have tried to explain how this makes me feel but he just buries it and kind of disregards my "neurosis" - which it might be - I don't know - but I feel so much the outsider. His children, especially his daughter (who is 30 and still very difficult) want him to be the father who worships the ground they walk on - in their eyes they come first and I am just there in their Dad's life - an inconvenience. This has caused so much pain - because my DP allows this and changes his personality and all the goal posts discussed to keep his grown-up children on side. They are all leading their own lives day to day and I will be the one caring and worrying constantly about their Dad and his health - I feel like I want to leave and be alone but I love DP dearly and cannot leave him now because he has been ill - why can't he listen to my pain and try with me to resolve the problems. It is as if I am an irritant that if ignored - it will go away. Sorry but I feel so sad and don't want this at my time of life (51 years old) - but I can't leave.

Roxron

I can't believe you have been together 11 years and its not been resolved. I dont know what to suggest.

My partner is 52 and has four grown up children. I am 30 and have two smaller school aged children. The second youngest step-child has just moved out as his dads inability to parent caused so many arguments with respect rules and work.

I dont want to bore you with all the details. It's a father trait unfortunately. Many of us step mums on here call them disney dads as reality goes out the window and it's fun fun fun!!!

And your right it does not stop when they get older and probably never will. E.g. My SS of 24 has a key and lets himself in even when we are at home. He will quite often squirt us with water in the morning when we are in bed and take over our kitchen and it wears thin let me tell you !!

I have spoken to DP several times how I feel my privacy is invaded. How I have no problem the DSC's coming to visit or stay I just would like to know when so we cam still have our plans, have said I could be naked and I get but you were not. But DP says its their house too (IMO it is not. They are grown up and have their own homes/lives) All reasonable expectations go out the window and I just look like the 'neurotic unreasonable nag' that is bursting everyone's bubble.

I think it is a guilt thing these men have for not being there all the time. I dont know what to suggest. If you really love him then stick it out and try to ignore it. Maybe find a new hobby to focus on. For me we are hopefully buying a new home and I insist there are NO keys given out at all.

Roxon, you have my sympathies as to still have these problems with grown up children and after 11 years must be really wearing. I never have understood why including a partner and/or respecting their feelings is so hard for some fathers.

Being considerate and showing respect isn't detrimental to a family, but good for it. It would be sad for you and your DP to split up over this, but if he won't tackle it and blames it on your insecurities rather than supporting you, I'm not surprised its crossing your mind.

This interests me.

What have the issue been, over those 11 years? Is it simply that they have just never accepted your role?

I have 3 steps. They see me as someone who is just "there". The middle one (21) has been known to walk past me without any kind of greeting. The eldest 24 is lovely. The youngest (19) barely tolerates me. He ignores me is at all possible.

Their dad has been a good father. His marriage ended due to his wife's infidelity, which she now regrets. The kids a loyal to mum but love dad and see me as "in the way" I think, of mum and dad "sorting themselves out, putting the past behind them and getting back together". I met DH years after they split and divorced.

I have a feeling that I too will always be barely tolerated. It makes me sad but what can you do? Just get on with it, I guess.

God, my keyboard skills are dreadful! Sorry.....ages since I've been on here.

Thanks for messages - I guess it is all about guilt and the inability to see faults in your own flesh and blood (or if you do - there is often an excuse).
We do talk about it but never seem to make the changes - DP says he doesn't want to upset them. I still haven't got over his 20 year old son telling his Dad, who was in hospital recovering from a heart attack, that he had called out paramedics for himself because he had a panic attack - my DP went into a ridiculous meltdown and nearly discharged himself - and guess who had to sort it all out and calm down my very ill DP - I could have throttled this young man although his father still calls him "kid".............maybe that says it all. We have even discussed if anything happens to DP and everything is taken out of my hands - I think I will just walk away and let them all get on with it. On the other hand - I remember a posting recently commenting that one day these stepchildren will walk away and not look back at you when you are old, alone and needy - so why bother putting yourself through misery and guilt now - just be polite and civil and get on with your life - no more jumping through hoops......

Agree entirely.....their loyalty is to their dad and more importantly, their mum. I'm well aware that, if anything happens to my DH, I will see hide nor hair of em'.

He is unlikely to develop an objective view of his children if he hasn't already done so. It may may be a case of having to accept this and be the 'bigger person', or move on.