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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

going to parents' evening

14 replies

ladydeedy · 06/04/2011 18:47

sigh... DSS (who has lived with us since last Summer) has parents' evening coming up.

The letter went to DH of course. We have terrible relationship with dh's exw. So does DSS who decided to come and live with us due to her making life pretty much unbearable for him.

DH and I were planning to go to parents evening with DSS as a) he lives with us and we are responsible for supervising and encouraging his studies and b) he rarely sees his biomum.

Now DSS's mum is saying she will come with us and try to stop me having anything to do with it as I am not his parent.

DH REALLY does not want to go with her. She has never included him in any parents evening relating to DSS when he lived with her (not that that is pertinent tbh). She is adamant that it is her business as she has been to all the other ones.

School wont allow separate session - it's together or not at all. Any advice? I say let her come and throw a scene in front of everyone - wouldnt bother me but DH would be mortified.

Alternatively - let her go on her own and we dont bother. DSS is thriving at school - straight As - and we dont have any concerns about his studies.

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TheFallenMadonna · 06/04/2011 18:50

Would the school insist on a joint appointment even if you explain? I often have to make two appointments at opposite ends of the evening for parents who apparently can't be in the hall at the same time, let alone sit next to each other.

SarkyLady · 06/04/2011 18:51

I would insist on separate sessions.
Why won't the school allow this? Surely you can argue that it is in dss's best interests?

mrsravelstein · 06/04/2011 18:56

do you think she would actually come, or is she just looking for a fight? i mean, can you just call her bluff effectively, and say 'sure' with the expectation that she may not bother?

Original poster

ladydeedy · 06/04/2011 19:02

I think she is looking for a fight and to come tbh, just to make a statement. She's never given a hoot about his actual education ever since he started school but does think that turning up at parents evening once a year is all that's required.

I think it might be worth asking the school again but last time we enquired they said no way as otherwise it would open the floodgates... There are quite a few teachers to see. DSS is required/expected to be there too - could be difficult. Just wonder how other people deal with it if in same situation... Is very exhausting!!! thank you.

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redfairy · 06/04/2011 20:37

have you considered not going? whether that feel right or not... maybe this is a small battle you could let her 'win'. I'm by no means saying she is in the right but I know with my DD's ex DH and I tend to let her have the small victories and save ourselves for the biggies. Given that there aren't major concerns your DH can always relay back any pertinent points to you. I realise this will not be a popular suggestion.

Original poster

ladydeedy · 06/04/2011 20:47

Hello redfairy and thanks. I understand and have considered doing that if that might make things easier. Thing is, DH would not go with exw on his own anyway as cannot bear how she has behaved over past 10 years (long story!) and how she has treated DSS.

So we are not sure what is "right". it is about DSS after all. I feel maybe we let her go on her own as we have more regular contact with school about him. Especially since he was referred to school counsellor about his mum, when he broke down at school about it (after leaving). Maybe let her have the evening to herself. Since moving here he has been thriving at school and very happy (trying to avoid gloating here but honestly, now that he has more stable environment and support he is doing so well!).

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redfairy · 06/04/2011 20:59

Glad to hear your hard work with DSS is paying off.

If DSS's mum does go on her own I would still make a point to the school that their inflexibility, in what...let's face it... cannot be a unique situation, has led to an involved parent having to take a backseat in his child's education.

They've not only let DSS down and not only let the parents down, but they've let themselves down. Sorry couldn't resist!

Original poster

ladydeedy · 06/04/2011 21:06

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MrsHerculePoirot · 06/04/2011 21:11

I'm a teacher and we have had similar situations at our school. It is difficult as a school as the way it works for us is that we have 30 slots on a parents evening, but some staff teach more than one class so you can't see everyone you teach, let alone have more than one appointment per child - although in an ideal world that is how it would work.

I don't know how your DSS's school works, but at our school each boy has a form tutor so if your DSS was in my form and you contacted me to let me know the sitution and that he would be coming with his mum, then I would happily either e-mail you, ring you or invite you in for a meeting with just me where I could pass on feedback from teachers and tell you both in front of DSS how well he is doing. I have no idea if this would be possible, but just thought I'd mention it as an option.

Obviously if you can somehow make it so you and your DH can go instead without her that would be much better, but I don't know how to help you there I'm afraid! Sorry if not much use to you though...

Original poster

ladydeedy · 06/04/2011 21:29

OhMrsHerculePoirot thank you so much. We do know the form tutor reasonably well so this could work out well.

thank you so much for taking the time to give this insight - it is very useful..

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MrsHerculePoirot · 06/04/2011 21:37

No problem - hope you get it sorted!

Namechangearamanama · 07/04/2011 16:48

It's very sad you can't go but if his Dad is capable then just let her have her crumy moment. Youre the one who'll be making the difference in the child's life. 1 parent's evening does not a parent make!

balia · 07/04/2011 18:50

I agree with not going - if you can't rely 100% on her not making a scene then all you can do is deny her the opportunity.

However, without getting heavy, you have a right to be fully informed and I would be asking the school for a written copy of this policy of only one appointment - it directly contravenes the DSCF guidelines. DH did this with DSS's school who were saying the same thing, not in a big confrontational way but just to make it clear he wasn't going to back down. Mind you, that was in the very early days - now they know the ex a bit better they are really helpful to DH!

I'm assuming this is a secondary school? I'd ask if you could attend a different year group's parents evening. Then you have all the staff there to talk to but no chance ex will be there. We've offered this option to lots of parents at my school - not just separated ones, but those who can't make the 'right' parents evening for whatever reason.

Original poster

ladydeedy · 07/04/2011 20:11

thanks both. Namechangearamanama - the thing is, I can go, but may chose not to. Frankly if she causes a scene then it will just (continue to) dig her own grave... And yes, it's just an hour or so - no big deal really in the scheme of thing, you are right!

Balia, v helpful idea thank you. I think we will definitely enquire about the policy, and also the potential to attend a different year group - smart idea! thanks so much.

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