Absolutely sick to death of DSD's vile mother

[Namechangearamanama]

I am at the very end of my patience. We have her every saturday and every other Sunday as well as on a tuesday and a thursday (...yes that's right, HALF of the time not to mention that it's 3/4s of the weekend time)

This is great, it's fine. I'd rather she was here where she has consistent rules and boundaries and where discipline doesn't go from laughing at the bad behaviour one minute, to a slap round the face the next.

What I object to is the fact that EVERY saturday we have a list of things she needs. Now, I know a 12 year old needs a lot of stuff. I have a 4 year old and she needs a lot of stuff too. But her mother doesnt work, we both work. We have a mega busy working week. Why can't school shoes/ tights/ make up (yes, make up), shampoo/ ingredients for cooking class etc etc be bought during one of the many many hours her mother is sat about on her arse??! WHy must our weekends revolve around going in to town (where I work and don't desire to venture every weekend as well as week day) trapsing about spending money we don't have on these things?!

We pay 15% of my DPs salary to her mother (no allowance for the fact we have DSD half of the time) AND we have to buy everything DSD needs because her mum chooses to work 16 hours a week in a minimum wage job.

I am sick to death of the whole thing. She tells DSD that her dad is tight and only pays her the bare minimum which is obviously untrue. She also tells DSD the reason they are poor is because she has to look after her and therefore can't work... even though DSD goes in to town after school on the days she is with her mum and hangs around with her friends until about 6pm.

I took to DSD immediately and love her very much but it seems that with every second I resent her more and more, and it's not even her fault she's done nothing wrong...

The woman is a lazy good for nothing vile piece of bile and I just don't know what to do.

I bet she won't really do that, if Dd comes to live with you she'll lose CSA, CHB & any tax credits she gets for her.

& this doesn't sound like a person who would lose money on purpose.

You guys were so right! He went round there to sort things out and made it clear that it was fine for her to live with us... queue lots of back tracking and claims of poverty. She also listed the things she has to buy for DSD i.e. food and School lunch money.... I can't beleive she doesnt realise that as DSD is here so much - we have to buy those things too! It is clear that she beleives every cost of a child needs to be covered by it's dad. She doesnt beleive that her money should pay for any of it because it is his responsibilty.

Anyway, I listened to him tell me all of this and just said ' well, its your choice what you do. She was never going to agree with you and you'll never get her permission so decide what you want to do and stick with it' Thing is, he told her he was going to do the allowance thing, she kicked off, and now he's reconsidering... its the same old pattern... It's down to him to change things though not me and so I'm not going to waste anymore time on it.

thanks so much for all your advice I feel like Ive really turned a corner and have the power to let go of a lot of the anger etc so I massivelt appreciate it x

The allowance is a very good idea and we did something similar for DSS and DD. It's an excellent way to teach children how to budget.

I love the 'responses in a tin' phrases..need to use some of these.

What will the ex do when DSD reaches 18 and no more CM..

"It is clear that she beleives every cost of a child needs to be covered by it's dad. She doesnt beleive that her money should pay for any of it because it is his responsibilty"

Unfortunately it seems that this is a very common way of thinking for NRPs

I mean PWCs

Well, i'd be naive if i thought i really knew everything about their marriage but she stopped working the day she found out she was pregnant and so the three of them were always his responsibility (she's joked with me about how although she stayed at home she still made him to all the night feeds, housework, weekend childcare) so I suppose her logic is 'why should it change' just because theyre divorced..?