Absolutely sick to death of DSD's vile mother

[Namechangearamanama]

I am at the very end of my patience. We have her every saturday and every other Sunday as well as on a tuesday and a thursday (...yes that's right, HALF of the time not to mention that it's 3/4s of the weekend time)

This is great, it's fine. I'd rather she was here where she has consistent rules and boundaries and where discipline doesn't go from laughing at the bad behaviour one minute, to a slap round the face the next.

What I object to is the fact that EVERY saturday we have a list of things she needs. Now, I know a 12 year old needs a lot of stuff. I have a 4 year old and she needs a lot of stuff too. But her mother doesnt work, we both work. We have a mega busy working week. Why can't school shoes/ tights/ make up (yes, make up), shampoo/ ingredients for cooking class etc etc be bought during one of the many many hours her mother is sat about on her arse??! WHy must our weekends revolve around going in to town (where I work and don't desire to venture every weekend as well as week day) trapsing about spending money we don't have on these things?!

We pay 15% of my DPs salary to her mother (no allowance for the fact we have DSD half of the time) AND we have to buy everything DSD needs because her mum chooses to work 16 hours a week in a minimum wage job.

I am sick to death of the whole thing. She tells DSD that her dad is tight and only pays her the bare minimum which is obviously untrue. She also tells DSD the reason they are poor is because she has to look after her and therefore can't work... even though DSD goes in to town after school on the days she is with her mum and hangs around with her friends until about 6pm.

I took to DSD immediately and love her very much but it seems that with every second I resent her more and more, and it's not even her fault she's done nothing wrong...

The woman is a lazy good for nothing vile piece of bile and I just don't know what to do.

She does wear that make -up herself too. Wouldn't wear anything lesser laadeedaaa

bonsior you are absolutely right about the shopping list.

"She needs an allowance and to get extras from it. She NEEDS to learn some financial reality and to budget. cut maintenance with 3 months notice - open DBd a bank account and put £100 a month in it for luxuries, clothes, make up, going out, phone etc - once it's spent no more that month, increase it by £10 a month a year. That's advice. Then help her manage it. That would be far better for her than allowing her to grow up as a spoilt brat."

I love this MJ. I might pass that on to DP, word for word!

Blimey - when I was 12 I'd get about a £1 a week pocket money and only if I'd done all my jobs (from when I was about 7 I had a list of jobs I had to do in order to earn my pocket money - 'Feed the fish. Tidy bedroom. Load/unload dishwasher. Set the table when asked.' When I was 7 it started at 20p and then worked up to £1 by the time I was in my early teens. If I wanted to earn more I had to do more. So one night a week I would cook dinner, I would dust/hoover. Clean the bathroom etc to earn more pocket money up until I was old enough to get a Saturday job and earn my own money. It certainly taught me that I had to work to earn money and it wasn't just doled out willy nilly. I know I was a child of the 80s and so didn't have mobile phones (neither was I allowed to wear make up until I was in GCSE year and even then it had to be stuff I bought - usually 17 or Rimmel!)

It is insane how much kids expect on pocket money - and especially if DSD's mother is getting money handed on a plate while she does very little in terms of work despite the fact that her DD is old enough to not need a SAHM anymore, she is learning that you dont need to do anything, you just get handed money all the time.

I think an allowance for her to buy what she needs is a good idea in that 'when it's gone it's gone'.

When I was about 17 my Dad got me a mobile phone - on a contract, and like any 17 year old girl would do - I ran up a HUGE bill. Yes my Dad paid it, but I had to pay it back. My phone was confiscated and I had a pay as you go one instead which I had to top up with my own money.

Any time my mum bought me stuff like clothes (which I had asked her to buy) when I was a teenager, it got added to a list of money I owed, which I had to pay back. And when I had a full time job and still lived at home I paid rent. It set me up well for when I left home and had my own house and had to pay my own way. Not saying that my parents never helped me financially without expecting to be paid back, but they would make the distinction between helping me as a gift and helping me when I'd got myself into any financial probs.

When people live on hand outs they dont appreciate the real value of money, or respect the people who give them the money whenever they put their hand out for it!

Thanks for the considered response. "When people live on hand outs they dont appreciate the real value of money, or respect the people who give them the money whenever they put their hand out for it!"

This is exactly what DSD is learning from her mum. If you can do 16 hours a week work in a minimum wage job, and still live a lovely lifestyle - why bother to do anything more?!

I have writen a list of my ideas (using a lot of your ideas too!) and I will tell him either he follows through with my ideas or I don't want to talk about it anymore. I will take my DD to do something fun on a saturday instead of shopping. I've writen that it's not me that holds the power to change things so its not fair that i am worried about it.

Ah I see what you mean MJ, thanks so much!

Namechanging back! Will pop on and let you know how tonight's conversation pans out thanks for all the kind advice!

Just a quicky update! I gave my suggestions to DP. he agreed with them ,but nothing as been implimented so as promised I am beginning operation DETACH. i am very sad about this as I had lots of romantic ideas about being a wonderful influence on DSd and being truely envolved with her upbringing. I thought we could operate as afmily in our own right and that my feelings were more imporatant than th ex's. Clearlythis isn't, and will never be the case, so I will just lie in the bed that I have made, and enjoy my relationship when DSd isn't around.

God, appauling typing - new nails!

welcome to my world namechange i spent 2 years learning how to detach and my DP made all sorts of promises none of which have ever saw the light of day i wish you well, be prepared for a long haul and choose your battles carefully my DP throws silly amounts of money at DSD and even sillier amounts at the ex who is married to a millionaire, at least you seem to have a relationship with DSD keep that going you've the teenage years yet to get through and that costs sooooo much money find things to do with you own when DSD is around, whatever you do you cant win accept that and life will be so much easier

Thanks token, I think i have accepted it. I'm sure I will have a few wobbles though.
It's just sad that I think of my DP as my best friend. I don't want to be living this whole difficult thing by myself. I have always had the beleif that in a relationship you never have to put yoursefl first becaus ethe person you are with will do that for you. Not being put first by him is so hurtful.

By that i don't mean I should come ahead of DSD. All the things I have suggested do actually put DSD first when you think about it. I am saddened to be put second to his ex wife is all really. Why would he put someone he dislikes ahead of someone who he refers to as the love of his life... it's beyond me. But still, I know how the land lies - I don't have to stay. So I'm not going to moan.

Namechange,

I completely understand. You just want to feel as though you have some input, that you are part of this, not just the mundane, everyday stuff but really part of this and that your opinion counts as someone who is part of DSD life. Feeling like your second best to someone he claims to dislike, is very, very hard.

I too have come to learn that you have to put yourself first, because no-one else will.

I really like the idea of an allowance that someone put on here. I too get annoyed when DP is moaning about kids/ex demanding extra money for this, that and the other, but then he just pays it. I hate the way the children are disrespectful and just "expect" money from him. I would rather he paid even "more" money to his kids in the form of an allowance because they would be taught that when it's gone, it's gone and I would know what the budget would be rather than never knowing if a few extra hundred quid is going to disappear this month on "extras". My DS gets an allowance, so it's not like I don't already think it's a good idea. Trouble is, I suspect he would give the allowance and then still buy them the extras too!

Thanks redhen, I usually faff about in the morning arguing with DSd about what she's going to eat because at her mum's she'll have a pop tart or some kind of pasty which i don't think is a good start to the day for a growing girl. I 'force feed (in her words) her a smoothie and make either blueberry pancakes (which she picks the blueberries out of) or cereal etc. So this morning I got up, had breakfast with my DD, who was a dream, showered, and spent the time i'd usually spend faffing around her getting myself properly ready.

DP made her cheese on toast in the end which she ate. She didn't have anything to drink. The old me would be worried about her not having a good start to the day but do you know what - I don't give a flying crap

lol. Good for you. If their "natural" parents don't care what they eat, why should you? I too used to keep asking what they wanted and they would turn their noses up at my suggestions, and wouldn't get themselves a drink. Now, I ask the youngest ones once only and if they don't decide, DP can sort it, which he does. The eldest often don't have anything at all. I used to worry that they didn't set a good example to DS, but now I just tell DS that it's up to DP what his kids do and up to me what DS does.

ok, ok - I do give a crap. Damn it.

I actually cried myself to sleep last night.. how stupid. no one else is losing any sleep over it that's for sure.

I think this is the problem with being a woman and being a step Mum. We do care, no matter, how much we try not to!

Going to school with cheese on toast and no drink, is not the end of the world and if her parents are happy with that, then you have to let it go, for everyones sanity.

Is it too early for a . Sounds like you need one. x

Maybe things have changed, but when DH had his sons 50% of the time,(about 4 years ago) the CSA set his payments at nil. Fair enough, as we were paying for our share of their upkeep whilst they were at our home. It's worth investigating.

Yes, that's a worry for me too - the bad example. My DD often says 'but SS is allowed' or 'why doesnt SS have to use her knife and fork properly but I do?' (pretty shocking when DD is only 5 and 7 years younger!)

Bu tthen DD is used to different rules with mummy, daddy, childminder - she's never been mollycoddled so I'm sure she'll pull through ok.

I think it must be hard when your child is a "half" sibling rather than a "step" sibling because my DS can see that we are completely seperate by biology, it must be harder when Daddy is sitting there allowing one child to do one thing and another to do something different.

I think you just have to explain that because DSD doesn't live with you all the time, and you're not her Mum, she doesn't have to do things the way she does. Not sure if it will work, but what else can you do if DP won't back you up?

ha ha sadly too early for a but thanks. My female friends have rallied round and we have a night out tonight - couldnt have come at a better time!!

Grandhighpoohba that's probably something that would happen in this situation as we do have DSd half the time. However, i thought that which ever parent claimed the child benefit could claim some kind of child maintenance even if it was minimal?

Any way, because his ex is so incompetant I don't think he could ever find it in his heart to cut her off completely. God knows how she'd support DSd without his help. I know, it's mad. Surely having her half of the time and buying everrything she needs is help enough. How could you hold your head up knowing you contribute ntohing to a life you have created???

Ah no sorry, i wasn't clear. DD is mine from a precvious relationship. So yes, it is a bit easier that I can just say the rules are different.

DD is so lush, I got in to bed with her last night and we cuddled and had stories, for a minute I thought how nice it would be if it was just us towo... I know i don't mean it though. i love DP, it's just a hard time.

oop us two

Oh yes, we get that from ex too. She stands up at the school spouting on about her "succesful business" and how her ex doesn't "support her"!!

In reality DP pays over and above the maintenance, she got a nice pay out when they split and she asks for EVERYTHING on top and she doesn't work at all!

But I am not annoyed at her anymore, I am detatched and actually quite a bit angry at DP for enabling her to live her life completely free of any responsibility even though she has 4 children!

That's how I'm getting redhen, don't get me wrong I will never ever like the woman or feel sorry for her but in reality, although I would always strive to support myself, if she doesnt have that kind of conscience who can blame her for sticking with the status quo?

She had another child when she was much younger and gave it up for adoption when it was 2 years old... then proceeded to travel the world with some friends. So that's two children she's not paid for. The hilarious thing is that she wants another one with her new partner. He's not having any of it though... wise man.

Ohhhhh.... DP has told his ex he'll be giving her the right amont of money and putting the extra in to an account for DSD... ex has said in that case she can come and live with us. We'd be happy with that but it'snot what DSD wants, she wants to be with her mum half of the time understandable.

How sad, what kind of creature would just say if they weren't going to get any money for their DD they may as well live somewhere else???

That is very is the penny ever going to drop for the ex that one day her dd will be 18 and your dp won't be paying any maintenance for her anymore!

It is definately a step forward in the right direction, next to get your DSD on an allowance so she learns to budget and make choices - I'd try and sell it to your dp as a way of educating your DSD to be financially responsible unlike her mother.