im so tired of fighting

[stressedatbest]

I'm sorry this is long, I hope you'll bear with me. I am not a step mum, my dd has one. I hope you don't mind me posting here, I just need some persepectve. She's 3.5, has had a stepmum for over 3 years ( ex left soon after she was born) I found it hard to share my daughter, was reeling from being left alone and we had a rocky start, but by the time dd was a year, I had tried to get over it all, invited new gf to dd birthday, send christmas presesnts etc.
Despite this, Ex and now wife were very overbearing with my dd from day one, I've always tried to reason with them, explain that it upset me, They said I should be grateful - and I was (still am) but i can't get them to see it from my pov. Stepmum has very little dealings with me, I'll text about things regarding my DD, but she often doesnt reply, despite agreeing to be more communicative with me.

Ex does nothing, apart from tell me to get life,
The whole early years of DD's life have been dominated by them - family portraits of them on their walls when DD was only 6mo, walking down the aisle holding my dd in her arms on her wedding day, dd was only 22 mo:(
(nothing I can do about that, but still hurts) being really picky about tiny things, ie, how i feed my dd, her childminders were not good enough, nurseries not good enough, her shoes, her weight, you name it, even told my childminder to drop her afternoon bottle without telling me. On more than one occasion she pulled my dd out of my arms when she collected her. She refers to me as 'she' - never ever gives me my name. I was at the recieving end of a complaint fromt them at least once a week. I was at a really low ebb, let my DD spend more time there than I was happy with, ie, 3 nights a week for about a year, which i regret as they kept a diary on it all. (not sure why). I actually felt like I wasnt coping and they knew it. I was alone with DD until moving in with partner last month and I can say with my hand on my heart I feel like im still struggling to hold onto my DD. We have patches where stepmum is fine, friendly enough etc, then others where I can barely believe how i get pushed out of the picture. I believe so much of this is my fault because I let them do it from the beginning and now that I'm stonger, they wont have it. I tried last year ( via text - ex doesnt 'talk') to get his wife to treat me with more respect. I didn't call her any names, simply said I was not happy with how she treated me in front of DD (totally blanking me etc) She was furious that I had been texting him about her, said I did not have the right to 'automatic respect from her' and that she would always have a low opinion of me for as long as I complained about her to her husband. I could not get her to understand that I wouldnt have to 'complain' if she was decent to me. We did have a long talk however ( for the first time ever) and she agreed to communicate with me more - it lasted a month ( literally) and she went back to how she was. I'm stumped on what to do.They've just had a baby 2 weeks ago, I hoped and prayed it'd get better - it hasn't.

Examples of things she has done over the last 3 years are getting ex to hassle me about my DD's weight, insisting she needed to be taken to a paediatrician as she was 'obese'. ( she was 18mo) . She took dd for her 1st pair of shoes, went to my new childminders house to 'interview' her after I had already recruited her, getting my DD to call her parents 'grandma and grandpa' ( my dd is 3 - I'd rather these things happened naturally rather than being 'told' thats what they are called) . my parents dont live in this country, so consequently I have to persuade my dd that she has another set of grandparents:(. The list is endless really.

Last week stepmum collected my dd from school, spoke to her teachers about upcoming events and learned that a costume was needed for the day after, Rather than ask me if it was sorted, she went home and made one ( and it was briliant) therefore leaving the one I had sat up making the night before competely redundant. I actually cried over that, pathetic eh? I complained, ex told me to stop texting him over pathetic things. What do I do when my role as a mother just doesnt matter?
I feel so worn down, I really do. The lastest event is I was informed that a school play my dd is in will be attended by stepmum. Neither me or my ex can go due to work, but it hurts me so much to think that stepmum is there in 'loco parentis', talking to her teachers, getting involved with it all. I just dont understand why she needs to go, I really dont, my partner would never do things like this - ever. Im pretty sure you might say its in my DD's interest to have her there, but thats the thing - I dont actually believe its entirely for my dd, but rather point-scoring. I complained, but was told again to go away. My dd visits one night mid week,( on the epecific day they requested) but they often hang on to school lettters and ive almost missed an event because of it. My ex is a weak man, a good dad, but weak and willing to do whatever for an easy life.

I dont know what to do, I've tried to get on with them, invite them to DD's parties, sent presents for new baby, christmas present for whole family including her son, even invited her parents to dd party last year. I send fathers day presents from day one ( ive had one card in 4 years) and I generally try to accomodate them when I can. To be fair to them, they helped a lot in the early years, but I paid a very high price for that help.
I want to make it crystal clear that I appreciate the care she gives my dd, have told her that many times - but I cant get her to stop pushing me out of the picture. Other than 'just get on with it', please tell me what I can do?

Is there anything you can think of? I honestly feel ill at that i will lose my dd to them in one way or another:(

sorry for the length of this:(

*complicated

I go to DSC's school plays - either to the same performance as their Mum or a different one depending on when we can all get there because of work. The challenge for us is getting three tickets because the school normally only doles out 2 tickets per child - it's normally their Mum who sorts out the 3rd ticket because she's got connections with the playground ticketing black market!

I'm not going to these sorts of events as the children's Mum, I'm going as their StepMum. Because I love and care for them, and because I have a role in their lives and their upbringing. I want to see them in their play, they want me to see them in their play and it would be a bit weird if I didn't go and share that experience with them.

So - while school plays haven't been a problem area for us - haircuts have! I cut DSS's hair once with the clippers after I'd done Daddy's. Mum didn't like that - everyone's got the things that are going to upset them.

I'm with you mdoodledoo - as a stepmum who is heavily involved in looking after 2 DSCs (one of whom lives with us) I expect to be there, and they expect me to be there too.

Dont forget also what you said about her being instumental in enabling your ex to be a better parent :

"I know for a fact my ex would not have nearly half as much parental confidence as he has now, had it not been for his wife pushing him all the time. She is able to do a lot of childcare and so he is often able to have DD for me without much notice - I on the other hand didnt have that luxury.
He is only able to be the way he is because he has had the full support of her and her family."

She and her family are supporting him (and you and daughter).

There is supporting and helping, and there is taking over. I think there are some elements where this woman is purely taking over for whatever reasons she has.

'Parental confidence'- I wasn't actually using that word in a positive context. I meant that he used her confidence to destroy mine. Another example-exp asked to see my dds medical book ( the red book) then passed it to stepmum. She then took it to her colleagues so they could ponder over them and agree she was obese. I had my doc and hv both state that she was normal, but this was irrelevant to them so cue a years worth of hassle and grief from ex on how our dd needed to be taken to a paediatrician and be diagnosed with obesity. She was 18months old. Forgive me, ladydeedy, but that is not the kind of 'enabling' I need.

No, that's a horrible thing for her to do stressed

But will you consider getting some help with your self esteem so you can handle the more reasonable behaviour from your ex's partner. But also, crucially, assert yourself over the bad stuff?

Hi there,

sorry not read the whole post and apologise if I give the same advice.

I have not had any dealings of this and feel very on your behalf. She is totally crossing the line. She has no right to take over.

Part of me wonders whether your ex is giving her the influence that you are not a good mother and therefore is taking over? She sounds extremley controlling.

You really need to be firm or they are going to walk all over you and its going to get worse. Firstly, I would go round and have a discussion with them both explaining your feelings and that you appreciate all they do but you are her mother.

I would explain to her whether she would like someone to overpower her and treat her children as theirs. Regarding school I would specifically state that this is a matter for the parents to be invloved and that she is overstepping the mark when it comes to matters that concern her mother and father.

Tell her how upset you were over the costume when they are both there. This way all concerns are out in the open to both of them so nothing can be mis interpreted at all.

So for you. I would be livid if someone took over like this. My children have a step-mother who I get on great with and she would NEVER do this. Recently my son had a play and neither myself or his dad could make it due to work committments. She asked if I would mind if she were to go so he would feel a member of his family were there and I was very grateful and delighted. But she would never just turn up and start discussing school matters with teachers!!

You can request that the school does not discuss matters about your child with anyone else but her parents I know that for sure due to data protection.

I hope things get better soon for you. You could bring your partner along too if you do have a discussion with them so that you dont feel underminded or maybe try meeting at the park so your on neutral ground, or inviting them in if they collect your dd.

Yes, we don't know what your ex has told his new partner about you... it's a horrible thought but he could have told her anything about your ability to parent...