self harming SD is destroying my marriage

[Kaj123]

Hi,I'm new here. A year ago I was living with my DS, DH and DSS.We had a lot of problems with DSS attitude but with time it improved.Then SD arrived suddenly after she fell out with her Mum. It soon dawned that SD wasnt a very nice person. She soon started upsetting everyone with her attitude even though we all bent over to make her welcome despite changes to our home, our lives, not to mention the huge financial impact. Because her Dad was glad to have her back she could do what she likes and treat anyone how she wanted to. It ended in a row whenever I spoke about it to DH. On top of that we now know she is a self harmer, has counselling and anti depressants (she is 15). So now it is impossible to raise any issues at all about her. She has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me or my DS who is a lovely boy and it is making him miserable which adds to my pain. My marriage is failing as a result and I am depressed. I believe I am a self harmer too.Is her happiness more important than the rest of us? Hope someone can give me some sympathetic advice. Thanks

I don't understand why it in't possible to raise any issues about her because she is receiving counselling and is on anti-depressants. Why is her being with you causing a "huge financial impact"? I also think that you saying that "she isn't a very nice person" is not particularly helpful. Why do you suddenly feel that you are also a self-harmer?
I'm afraid that I don't feel like giving you particularly sympathetic advice because the person I feel for in this is your stepdaughter.
She's 15, is depressed, self harming and in need of counselling. She has fallen out with her mother and it doesn't sound as though she is being made to feel teribly welcome in your home. I'm not surprised she has an "attitude".
Is there a health professional or someone involved with her that you could discuss some of these issues with? Perhaps since she is already receiving counselling, a family session could be arranged for you to go with her, so that you can try and reassure her that she is safe and loved in your home?
I don't meaan to sound harsh by the way, but to me, your post came across as quite self centred, sorry.

I think some family therapy might be helpful. Is your step-daughter working with CAMHS? They might be able to offer you all some help.

2blessed2bstressed - When i wrote this post i simply aimed to set out the salient facts of my situation and didnt feel that i could or should have to explain all of the background to it. The fact that I have felt compelled to reach out to strangers is testament to the fact that I am in a very bad place - not just feeling a bit sorry for myself -something you imply with your patronising tone. For what its worth I care about all of my family and just feel very helpless and worried. having read some of the related posts on here I wrongly assumed that I would receive an empathic response. So the fact that you have been so reactive, blunt and insensitive is 'not particularly helpful'either. Moreover I think you are being very harsh actually not to mention extremely judgemental. Its a good job i have friends and family who understand the situation and support me. I will think again before I come here for advice again.

Fair enough.

HI Kaj123 what a situation you are in. I am sympathetic and it sounds a tricky situ.

I don't know what advice I can give you. Maybe counselling as a family? From what I am reading, it sounds as though no problems can be discussed in order not to upset your dsd, so everyone has to live in an atmosphere.

Although I do feel your dsd is in a bad place right now, and quite rightly needs love and support, as you say, it cannot be to the detriment of everyone else. Afterall, it must be having a great impact on the son as well.

This is why I have suggested counselling as a family. This way you are all on neutral ground and issues tend to flow out better even though it may cause a few tears at first. ( We did not do this at it may have helped in hindsight)

You right that your dp has not helped by letting dsd do as she pleases. This underminds everyone in the household.

You have come here for advice so please ignore negative comments as they aren't going to help you.

I can only say all this as I am fully aware how much one persons actions effect the whole family and it is just accepted.

It has resulted in my dss, even though he is 19, moving out. And I will get flamed for this, but things have made a complete u-turn on everyone, dp included.

He will be the first to admit that he overcompensated for the fact that his ex wife left, letting his son do whatever he pleased.

Then when he tried to enforce some rules and boundaries (after I could not cope with dss attitude as it effected my children and our relationship was falling apart) Dss left for hurt factor and because he was defiant towards me and eventually dp.

IMO you need to sit dp down and explain this to him. Try not to instigate dsd in the conversation completely as it will just make him want to defend dsd. Just explain how everyone is affected, and how you want everyone, especially dsd to be a happy family unit and how this this and this may actually help her depression.

Good luck and let me know what happens

Oh dear what a mess and I feel for you all. Having a depressed teenager who is self-harming is difficult for any family to deal with and I should imagine that its even more difficult in a blended family where the relationship between your SD and her mum is strained as well.

First of all your feelings and the feelings of your DS are just as relevant and important as those of your SD, DH and DSS.

You and DH have to work together on this. Unfortunately, this can often be easier said than done as sometimes Dad will want to ignore / hope for the best / pin the blame elsewhere / refuse to acknowlege what is going on.

Is there any chance you could get some time with him, alone and out of the house to specifically talk to him about this. Go in with some positive suggestions like the family counselling so he doesn't get defensive of his daughter. I should imagine you are just as concerned about her and the impact of her behaviour as he is.

Keep talking to us. There are some posters on this board who have extensive experience of difficult relationships with teens who may be able to offer some much needed help.