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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSC and choice of schools

11 replies

Tootingbec · 04/03/2011 14:15

OK, so my DH and I have been "discussing" this for about 2 years (i.e. arguing!) and I thought I would get some other SP views on where I am coming from. For those of you not familiar with me already, our circumstances are as follows:

DSD has main residence with her mum but spends about 40% of the time with us as we live relatively close by and can take her to school meaning she can stay during the week.

DH and I have 2 very young DC's together.

So, DSD due to go to secondary school in 18 months time. The state schools that are in her Mum's catchment area are OK for London but not exceptional. My DH is really keen for DSD to go to private school so that she gets the best education she can. My DH's Ex has no intention of paying towards a private school for DSD and has no problem with her going to a local state school.

I think my DH is being naive and unrealistic that his DD can go to private school fully funded by us for the following reasons:

If DSD goes to private school this will be a massive chunk of money we are committed to for the next 7 years and will mean considerable opportunity costs for us as a family (holidays, activities for all the children, moving to a bigger place etc)

To be "fair" it will mean we should send our DC to private school also meaning a further 2 lots of fees to find which is totally unsustainable in terms of costs - unless we bascially have a crappy standard of living to pay the fees.

I think my DH forgets sometimes that he has 3 children and not 1 special child (DSD) and then "our" two! We keep going round in circles about this and we have realised that if I put my foot down and say no, then DH will resent me for "forcing" my DSD to have a less than excellent state education (didn't do me any harm, or the clever people I work with or the doctors/scientists/vets I know who went to state school etc etc!). On the other hand, he recognises that if he over rides me and sends her to private school, I will forever resent the privilage she has been given and basically I will refuse to have anything to do with helping out with school runs etc.

At an absolute push I could compromise in that we would pay half the fees but this is unrealistic as DSD mum has already said she won't pay towards her daughters schooling.

So, AIBU in telling my DH that him sending his DD to private school just isn't realistic and how do we work this one out without having a MASSSIVE fall out?

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prettyfly1 · 04/03/2011 14:19

Its quite simple - if you cant afford it for all children one doesnt get it. End of.

Magicjamas · 04/03/2011 14:22

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catsmother · 04/03/2011 14:30

Yikes. How does he justify doing it for one and not for the other two ? .... or is his argument that the state schools in your catchment area are acceptable ? (though who knows what they might be like in another 10 years ?)

Anyone who insists on having a massive fallout when simple ecconomics are in question is a selfish idiot. And of course, apart from cost he should also consider the emotional effect on the two younger ones when they find out he did so much more for their older sister.

Original poster

Tootingbec · 04/03/2011 14:41

Just to clarify and defend my DH (!), he has said that a condition of DSD going private would be that our 2 would also go to private school at 11. My argument is that this is fine in principle but it is unrealistic in terms of cost and thus the only solution is that none of them go private.......

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catsmother · 04/03/2011 14:51

Maybe you'll have to spell it out to him in black and white on a spreadsheet or something then. What would concern me, apart from the crappy standard of living you mentioned, is just how realistic what he's saying is - especially in the current climate. If he has money which can be invested now for all the kids' education, then maybe he has a point but if he's just "hoping" that you'll be able to afford it all over again x two in the future then that's obviously rather different. And that's before you get on to the argument as to whether SD would really benefit significantly from having a private education, compared to the one she'd get at a local state school.

Magicjamas · 04/03/2011 14:57

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mummytime · 04/03/2011 14:59

Don't forget to include: increases in fees 5-10% per year, and the cost of university education (at least £27K + living costs). Also do a bit of leg work and see if there are any good/great schools DSD could get into, also the outcomes of those she could go to (which Unis etc.).

emjanedel · 04/03/2011 16:51

Just to put my arguement in. We paid £30,000 towards a settlement for ex. We pay £150 month in maintainence. I am a SAHM and DP is on less than the average wage.
SD is about to go to secondary school in september. Just after xmas DP came home and said that SD had failed the entrance exam for our local private school and had to go to a local high school. This is the first i had ever heard about it. DP explained that him, ex and her parents had decided that she should go there and would split the fees three ways - meaning the maintainence would go up.
I was horrified nobody had discussed it with me - our finances are streched enough. I asked what would happen to DD when it was her turn and his answer was that we would never be able to afford it and she would be fine in a state school.

Stick to your guns all for one or none at all.

Original poster

Tootingbec · 04/03/2011 19:42

Thanks all for your various perspectives that sum up my own thoughts! The difficult thing is that we prob could manage to pay for DSD to go private but there is a 9 year age gap between her and our eldest DC so as Catsmother put it, I think DH is "hoping" we could manage it for the others.

Fundamentally, I just don't believe the financial sacrifice for private schooling is worth it - my DH and I don't do too badly in terms of income but I would like to spend our money on great holidays, activities for the kids, saving for our future and helping fund DC's to go to a decent university.

We are both educated, bright people so can provide all the support our children (DSD included) need to do well at whatever school they go to.

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ConfessionsOfaFlask · 04/03/2011 20:01

Hi Tooting ( How is baby ?)

I'm totally with you on that one. I'm sure she will be fine. We are sending DBD1 to our local state ( a very nice school for girls) and prefer to save that money to help with Uni.

Original poster

Tootingbec · 05/03/2011 14:25

Hellooo Pegs! Baby is an angel but we haven't yet cracked sleeping properly at night - grrrrrr!

I do actually think my DH is starting to realise that his ambition is a bit beyond us! He actually only wants DSD to go to one particular private school which is highly competative to get into and while my DSD is a bright kid, she isn't exceptional when it comes to academic achievement...

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