Table Manners - What rules do you have?

[inkyminky]

We regularly have my 4 yr old step son for the weekends now and aside from being so fussy he dosnt seem to have any table manners at all. Is he too young, DP thinks he is. Worries I have are, eats with fingers and occasionally a fork, sits back in chair away from the table, talks with mouthfull and leaves table when he wants to without asking. Is this usual for a 4 yr old or have yours learnt the basics yet?

IMO he is definitely not too young at 4 to be taught basic table manners and if I were you I would insist that he starts learning straight away

Wonder if he does this at home?

Nope hes def not too young. dss had beautiful table manners when he was little and people used to comment on them all the time. Hes 14 now and can produce them when he has to dd is only 22 mnths and is beginning to aquire some.

Have to say dp is a stickler for this and so am I to an extent and we both like to sit at the table for most of our meals.

Our rules are to stay at the table until everyone has finished, to ask politely to get down. We also expect DS (4) to use a knife and fork or spoon and fork depending on the food and are encouraging DD (1) with a spoon. We also discourage talking with a mouthful. I definitely think a 4yo should be capable of staying put at the table. HTH.

I had a very similar problem with DSD who was still eating her dinners with her hands at 6yrs old. DP even used to feed her sometimes!

I had been telling dp that she should be taught to use a knife and fork to feed herself since I met her when she was four!

It wasn't until my DGS (then 18 months old) came for dinner and used his spoon beautifully to feed himself, that DP decided that maybe DSD should be taught how to use a knife and fork!!!

Can I just ask something about table manners? Does anyone insist on elbows off the table? I really don't see why it's considered bad manners, tbh, and do it all the time myself.

And what age do you think you should start teaching - ds only two so haven't bothered yet.

Omg dont talk to me about table manners. Dss now 11 is horrible at the table. Mouth open while chewing, not sitting properly, no concept of a knife. Though he is a bit better than when i first got with his dad and he was 7. They all sit in front of the tv with plates onlap/floor at his mums where as we always sit at the table so its an uphill struggle all the time. Hoping that ds may eventually show him up enough but hes only 16 months at the moment

agree 4 is not too young but perhaps don't try and crack everything at once. Start with one aspect e.g. using a knife and fork and reward any small success so you aren't seen as a nag. Not every child 'takes it in'. Our ds1 9 has appalling table manners -talks with mouth open, sits sideways, uses his fingers whenever he thinks we're not looking. This is not for want of us trying to instil the rules - but ds2 who is only 6 has excellent manners. Same rules different results. In fact he is a manners fascist and calls himself the table police and tells us all off if we put elbows on the table etc. You can borrow him for a small fee!

I don't think I would do the elbows thing with littlies edam, I think sticking to the basics is more important. But as they get older I might suggest it is polite but I would probably still let them do it at home because I don't think it matters that much tbh.

nzshar, tell me about it, sometimes I leave the table and eat my dinner elsewhere! Sometimes my S.Kids table manners are so disgusting it makes me feel physically ill, eating with their mouths open is one of the nicer habits. My DS refuses to sit next to either one of them as he is sick of getting covered in their dinner...

and don't get me started on the noises they make, yuk, I think its more the disgusting pig noises that they make which makes me want to throw up!!!!

When they have finished I 'survey' the damage to my dinning room and it always looks like a chimps tea party has been held there!!!

BTW, they are now 10 and 14!!!!!!!! and their table manners have improved since I first met dp!!!!

So where have all your DPs been when they were little and should have been taught how to eat correctly?

Bozza, Unfortunately things like table manners go right over dp's head!!!!

Either that or he thought that their mother would teach them when the time was right, alas, that didn't happen, she didn't even notice when DSD started to use a knife and fork at home!!

Having said that dp and their mother are very strict on things like homework and being polite etc, I supose its the different house different rules thing.

I think table manners are one of the most difficult things. My DS is six and his are horrible and it's not through want of trying.

I think I'm going to follow the tip of whoever said concentrate on getting one thing right at a time. I realise I've been trying to do the "sit properly on the chair facing your plate" "don't leave the table till you're finished" "eat with your mouth closed" "use your cutlery not your hands" and it's probably far too much altogether.

I have tried to institute a reward system so that when he gets through a meal with decent manners, he gets an extra 5p in his pocket money jar, but it hasn't worked and this thread has made me realise why - I've been trying to do it all at once and should tackle each bit of table manners separately.

Not read whole thread, but definately not too young. DD is 2 1/2, and is learning now, but I wish she had started earlier on!

Not many here... say please and thankyou, and don't leave the table until everyone has finished. Oh, and we're gradually working on using spoon and fork more than fingers

Squirrel, I don?t think it?s just your DP who thinks it?s a woman?s job to sort out kid?s table manners. IMO most men seem to think that it?s nothing to do with them ? even if they live full time with their children, it?s always their mother?s fault if the kids? table manners are awful!

Every time my mother comes to stay with us DS's table manners deteriorate again because she doesn't like to nag him and be "nasty" to him at the table, and she's so glad he's eating anything at all (because he used to be so fussy) that she won't hassle him about table manners. So I think when you are in a step-parenting situation, you have the same issue of backing each other up and having the same expectations in each household and it becomes very difficult for the household with table manner expectations to instil good table manners, if the other household doesn?t re-inforce the message. However, I guess as kids get older as long as your message is consistent, that this may be how you do things in Mummy's/ Daddy's home, but here, you do it this way, they do learn that there are different rules for each household.

Another bugbear I have is schools. When I was a kid, someone fierce came round and yelled at us if we didn't use our cutlery etc., but nowadays they appear to encourage the kids to throw the food down their necks as quickly as possible by whatever means necessary ? hands, troughs, whatever, and get out to the playground. Table manners are simply not re-inforced, so when DS come home, he thinks it's just an oddity of Mummy's, whose got this strange idea that it matters how they get the food down them. So again, I feel like I?m fighting against all the other messages the kids are receiving ? that it doesn?t matter how they behave at table ? to try and get my message through. (Unsurprisingly, DD?s table manners are actually quite good, and that?s because she?s at nursery, which takes these things seriously. I sometimes wonder if I should have sent DS to nursery, just for the table manner advantages alone!)

Sorry, went on a bit - table manners is a subject close to my heart at the moment! Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Thanks Bozza and others. It's reassuring to know many others think it's important as well. I thought I was living in the past for a minute (or turning into my Mother) Think I will start with asking permission to leave the table and take it from there, and slyly reteaching DP a thing or too also!

I don't think he is too young to be taught table manners at all. However, I think that the behaviour you describe is pretty 'normal' at this age.

Rules I try to enforce with my 2 eldest dss (4.5 and 2) are:

Eating with mouth closed - ds1 does this, ds2 still struggles a bit (he's 2)

Sitting on bottom on chair while eating (this is a tough one to enforce - my two are so wriggly and impatient and just want to mess about - I'm constantly telling them to sit on the chair instead of kneeling, stop wriggling, sit properly - we are getting there - ds1 is quite good now)

Waiting at the table until everyone has finished (again, they don't do this naturally and quite often just get up but I call them back straight away)

Asking to leave the table (ds1 does this, ds2 doesn't yet but I'm starting to reinforce that with him)

Taking their own dishes to the sink (both do this)

Help to put mats and cutlery out (both do this)

I don't have any issues with using fingers to eat - neither of mine do this. I was at a friends the other week though and they had bolognese pasta and her ds (4.5) was eating with his spoon in one hand but shovelling more in with fingers of his other hand (made feel quite sick actually!). She didn't pull him on that but I'd be horrified if my ds did that - particularly in company!

I'm not saying all 4 yr olds will have perfect adult manners but certainly they are not too young to be taught even if you do have to keep reinforcing the rules at every meal.

Another thought. A 4yo might be a little small to be comfortable at the table which could lead to issues such as not being able to eat with cutlery properly, wriggling etc. DS does better with a cushion on his chair at our kitchen table.

He's not too young. My kids' manners aren't great - but they will both sit for a reasonable time and use cutlery - although dd (3) will sometimes use fingers. They will ask before getting down.
ds IS taught table manners at school and tells us off for putting elbows on table as a consequence.