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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Your parents and you setp kids

13 replies

steppingup · 01/03/2011 18:37

Can I just ask a question about how your parents treat your step kids?
My parents adore my step kids but don't get much time with them. No ones fault but thats just the way it works with peoples job patterns and access times. My DP has never made much effort to help my parents get to know his kids and I've given up trying to push it.
My view is that although they are not technically their grandchildren, they are their step grandchildren and I think it would be nice for my parents to feel like they are part of the family. I think it would also make me feel part of the family.

What do you think?

OP posts:

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chelen · 01/03/2011 20:23

Hi, I think this is a really interesting post - its something I'm struggling with at the moment too, altho in a totally different way.

My mum has just recently caused a row by criticising my OH for a minor parenting point by firstly publicly challenging him then sending letters, it has caused a lot of problems.

In some ways my parents have been great, really welcoming to my SS but I am concerned they are overstepping the mark - I worry my SS will resent my parents if they are seen to criticise his dad.

Something else my bl**dy sister does that really annoys me is buy an extra present for my SS (over and above the amount she buys my own son) basically because she feels sorry for him - argh!! I don't mind him getting extra if it is for a nice reason like she saw something perfect for him but there is something a bit sicky about feeling sorry for him - I know its tough having separated parents but I'm don't think being singled out like a special charity case is any way to help!!

Unfortunately I think my family have gone so far to be nice they are actually being a bit weird at times.

Sorry I am no help but like I said, very interesting topic.

slimbo · 01/03/2011 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mdoodledoo · 01/03/2011 21:14

I'm in a second relationship where I'm a StepMum and it felt like my Dad threw himself into family life with my previous DSS's and the kids were really embraced by him and my Grandmother too.

But things are different in my current relationship (started approx 4 yrs after the previous one ended), again I'm Step to two children and my Dad's struggling. I'm not sure why - maybe because he took it v hard when my previous relationship failed and the kids were suddenly taken out of his (and my) life, or maybe it's nothing to do with the children and it's because he doesn't like my current DP.

My Grandmother died in the intervening years so I don't have any comparison for her .

My mum and StepDad have really surprised me this time around - they were barely involved with my previous S.kids, but this time around they have hopped right on board and are trying their best to be fairly involved. The kids seem to like them too and it's lovely to see how everyone's become slowly more and more comfortable. One day in half term the kids were nagging me to ring my Mum so that she could come out to lunch with us. Again, I'm not sure why it's different this time around - I do live closer to them so it's just easier to see them a bit more, or maybe they're committing to 'my' family because they see that my relationship is serious...or maybe it's something else entirely.

My DP says that he wants a big extended family where everyone 'loves' each other - but to be honest he doesn't put a whole lot of effort into it - I'm the one that makes arrangements to visit my folks with the kids etc. Maybe that's just a man thing?

lateatwork · 02/03/2011 18:04

My parents started to really try to have a relationship with DBS. Bought Christmas and Birthday presents. Always asked how he was etc But EX has decided that DBS is to have NO contact with them.

Ho hum.

Mummynumber2 · 03/03/2011 12:36

My parents adore my dsc's and visa versa. They spend a lot of time together and go to stay with them either with dp and/or me or on their own in the holidays. My mum's always buying them presents and they think of them as grandchildren. My dsc's have started to call them Nanny and Grandad (their own choice) and they actually spend more time with them than any of their 'real' grandparents. (their mum's parents live abroad and dp's mum is very ill and his dad died a long time ago) Luckily their mum has no worries about their relationship.

People have told me that they think this is a bit strange, maybe it is but I think you're right, it does really bond the family.

pinkbraces · 03/03/2011 14:40

Mummy - whoever told you its strange has no understanding of what a family is - families are people who love and take care of each other not necessarily because they are blood related.

Im remarried, I have two SC and one DD, my inlaws treat my daughter as if she was their own,so do my brothers in law.

My mum on the other hand is lovely to my SC but the barrier is there. However everyone gets on really well, we are just a family :)

LoopyLiz88 · 03/03/2011 16:04

My family sends SS gifts for holidays and birthdays but thats it really. We send them his school pictures when they ask but they really don't know him. They might have met him once or twice. If he were here and they came over it would be fine but it just hasn't happened. My mum is coming over today and we're going to lunch with my dc. SS isn't coming because he has school.

eileenslightlytotheleft · 03/03/2011 19:13

My mum and stepdad are really nice to my DSS. He really really likes them, but finds it hard to show it (he is quite a reserved boy). They buy him nice gifts for Christmas and bday - but not as much as they give the DDs. They absolutely shower them with gifts and are much closer to them because they look after them a lot. So it isn't really the same - but it seems fair nonetheless.

DSS gets on brilliantly with my sister's kids and sees them as cousins. All my extended famiy send DSS money for Xmas and birthday - he is treated equally to my DDs by my sister and my aunts/uncles etc.

notremotelyintofootie · 03/03/2011 22:29

I think it is interesting to see how others experience this... Dh's Ostend clearly really like ds (11) and when he is there he is treated the same as the other grandkids (dsd is 15, the others are 15mths(dd) through to 5 and there are 7 in total and ds is their only step gk..) ds calls them nanny and grandad and chats to them and plays with the cousins (unlike dsd!!!) BUT I have noticed a huge difference between how they treat dsd and ds at birthdays and Xmas.... Ds typically has vouchers for £20, dsd gets a pile of presents, vouchers for between £50-100 plus cash! Dd is only little so only had a smallish set if presents but more than £20 worth... Ds is happy enough he either doesn't notice or simply doesn't care and I would never say anything as it is their choice but in contrast to my mum it seems unfair on ds... My mum has only met dsd once or twice but spends exactly the same on dsd as she does ds and dd and spends time buying presents that she thinks dsd will like....

It's a little annoying how two sides can be so different but hey ho, I am jutso happy that he is made to feel like one of the family!!

notremotelyintofootie · 03/03/2011 22:30

Ostend?? Sorry that should read parents!!

Original poster

steppingup · 06/03/2011 09:28

Thanks for your responses. I suppose every situation is different and different things work for different people. What annoys mr a little is that my DP had never even suggested that my parents meet his kids. Obviously i pushed it a little but they hardly get any time together. Some of it can't be helped but some of it can. I don't have kids of my own yet and my parents have no grandchildren from my brothers either so there are no other children in their lives. I don't think they will ever have a close relationship I just wish my DP would realise that my parents are my family ( sounds obvious doesn't it!) and that they should be involved in our life with his kids

OP posts:

Ceic · 07/03/2011 00:22

My parents are step-grandparents twice as my brother and I both have DSCs.

For my DSS, they treat him the same as my DS and are keen that DSS should not feel excluded or different. My DSS gets on well with them and they babysit for us sometimes. My DP has always been OK with this too.

At the opposite end of the scale, my brother has 3DSC and no DCs. My parents have no relationship with these children and do not regard them as their grandchildren. My parents have met them once - when my brother's DP put them on display to try and get them invited to a family event. My brother only started calling them his DSC after that failed. (Still no invite.) He has made no effort to introduce his DSC to my parents or to encourage any relationship between them. Hence my parent's view. They would have made the effort if my brother had.

The difference is, I think, due to our two DPs relationships with my parents. My DP wanted it to be a good one from the start. On the other hand, my brother's DP decided that she was going to hate my parents before she met them and has been encouraging my brother to agree with her (the rest of this long story is probably for elsewhere on MN).

I don't think your DP is anything like my brother's DP!! However, I do wonder why you say what you say about your DP... Does your DP not see your parents as PILs?

(Phew! That a long post. Lots of different DPs too. I hope it's clear whose DP is whose.)

JohnBovi · 07/03/2011 08:08

My family loved dsd to bits, and she's included in things even now that I'm not with her Dad. But there was a subtle difference in that while they would always buy her presents, I think they were slightly more generous with dd.

But what I used to bear in mind was that dsd also had her mum's side of the family doing things for her, buying her presents at Christmas and obviously dd wasn't included in that, so in the end it balanced things out.

I think what's important is how they are treated and how they are made to feel. I know dsd got far more from just being made to feel one of us, than anything they could buy her.

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