I feel bad and selfish :(

[babybumpx]

Is it normal for this barrier to keep coming up! I have a DS who I have had by myself for the last few years, then I meet my DP who I very much love, he has a DS at the age of 2, his mother has seen him once in the last 6 months so he needs stability right now, problem is we all live together and I am expecting DC2.....I am feeling so scared and worried about having 3 children, I never wanted 3 I only ever wanted 2, however this our situation.

Some days are fine and we have a great time together whilst others I can feel that Ive put up a barrier between my partners son and I!? He's a dear little things but I just cant get past these worries and anxiety, sometimes I wonder if I am resenting him?

I guess I need to hear from someone who can understand this or if im just a horrible person and being completely unreasonable, I certainly dont make him feel left out, he has the same as my son and lots of praise, he's come on with his speaking and eating since he's lived with us, he's also very quite around me sometimes which makes me think he perhaps doesnt like me, My son was a very outgoing little boy, very interactive and responsive were my step son isnt, this could be to do with the lack of attachment with his own Mother.

Please Help

Have no advice but didn't want your post to go unanswered. Your feelings sound natural to me- Are you worried about getting clse to him in case his mother wants him back? If I were you I'd accept the feelings, and possibly talk them through with a therapist, just to make sure the little one doesn't feel singled out. Do'n feel bad though- They are valid feelings and you sound like you're doing a great job. :)

I think the thing is, when you have a child of your own, or when you adopt, you have time before the child arrives to make a mental adjustment to being their mother, but in this situation, you have suddenly acquired a young child, who, if he isn't seeing his mother, will be looking to you as a mother figure. That takes time to get used to. Add to that normal pregnancy anxieties and hormones, and this was bound to be difficult. So don't be too hard on yourself.

You sound like you care about this little boy, and that's a very good foundation for developing a loving relationship with him. It sounds to me like it's the lack of control over your life that is making you anxious, rather than the actual child. I think that once you have had dc2, this might calm down a bit, although a lack of control is a bit of a theme in the life of a step parent!

As for him being quiet, you are right, he may be having issues around hiss mother, but equally it could be that he just has a very different personality to your DS. I would keep an eye on things, and if it becomes a problem for him, then worry about it.

Hi. I feel it is probarbly very different becoming a step parent to a child who lives with you and visits Mum, rather than a child who lives with Mum and visits you.
I became a full time stepmum/mum to a little girl when she was just 4. I had 3 of my own children too who were all young. She rarely saw her own Mum.
It is very hard as you have a natural bond and understanding of your own child as from day one you have leant together along the way. With a young step child, who is a full time or pretty much full time member of the family you do not have those stepping stones from birth, and you learn as you go I have found.
I don't believe you are a bad stepmum or any of the things you may feel about yourself. I bet a very big percentage of step parents would if honest agree there are times they feel a resentment towards their step siuation, not necc the child in particular but the situation. Many of us have an ideal of a "traditional" family set up but instead we have learnt how to be in a somewhat unusual situation.
The two children are probarbly different personalities anyway, my sd and one of my own daughters are the same age and very different. I would try to just carry on treating them all the same. On the days its trickier, do whats needed and get through and then on the easier days enjoy it. If I can be of any help to you, let me know.

i agree with the others.. sounds to me like you are doing a fine job.

Just on the the number of children thing, I have just found out I am having twins and am scared and having doubts too... for me it is the total lack of control- how am i going to cope emotionally, financially etc etc i am sure these are all things you are thinking too. Like the other poster said, i have time to get used to the idea AND i get all the initial bonding etc that you dont get as a stepmum... so dont beat yourself up. recognise it for what it is and try to look for the positives... that's what I am doing!

You arent being a horrible person- you are taking time to adjust as are all the people in your new family.

I dont think reminding yourself you only wanted two children is going to help your frame of mind..especially as you are in this fabulous position of having created this happy loving family in which to welcome DC3

All pregnant women have fears and doubts. I never believed I would love DC2 as much as DC1 but I do and there was even some spare for DC3 and SD

Please dont worry about DSS's behaviour...all chidren have different personalities even in 'bio' families (sorry, hate that term) The fact is, by your own admission, he is thriving! Well done you!

I think your apprehension is understandable, especially as your SS lives with you and visits his mum. He is only 2 so, he will hopefully become part of your "family of five".

You're doing a good job so far, sounds like.

Also, you're two children are lucky to have each other and your SS is lucky to have 2 (well, one as yet unborn!) siblings for now, for growing up together and for the future.

My son's an only child and I would have given anything NOT to have done that to him! He is much loved and very special but..... it would have been wonderful to have had a sibling.... or two!

Relax. Enjoy. Celebrate the differences between "your" children. They're all little individuals and that makes them special in their own right.

Good luck to you x

Thank you all so much for your advice, it has made me look at the situation in a better light, I think DSS can sense my barrier at times as he is distant from me at the moment, he came back from his Grans yesterday and really didnt seem interested at all, if anything he was very upset when she left :( he has had a lot to deal with when it comes to attachament so it could be partly that too, maybe im not making any better with my "barrier issues" he also cried when I changed his nappy as he wanted his daddy to do it.

I appreciate it will take time for him to adjust too as I have obviously developed parenting skills as I have a son of six and I think they are extremely relaxed when it comes to bounderies with regards to tolerating inappropriate behaviour, With my son he gets a warning and then if thats fails he will "stand and think about it" so we have made a step for DSS to think for two mins...that is new to him. its hard because I cant allow them to have differences in parenting, can I?

Thank you so much for your help :)

x

I think you to a certain degree parent all children slightly differently depending on the child, that being step children or bio children. My two daughters (bio) are parented differently as one needs a much firmer hand that the other. With a stepchild often I know I feel I can't parent her harder than my own (yet often she needs it and if she were mine I wouldn't hesitate!!)
I would be guided by your instincts, and parenting skills you already have. You are his main carer or certainly equal to Dad by the sounds of it and as so he needs you to be "the parent". Have expectations as you would your own but be understanding enough to know these may need tweeking a little because of circumstances.
One thing I often think is the world won't make allowances for my dsd being a step child and so she needs me to be the mum role model for her, to support her, be there for her, but also to discipline her etc. My DH is great as we don't have "its my child I do the discipline etc", we both agree they live under OUR roof and as such are our children and we both deal with them, when neccesary.
You sound like you are doing a smashing job. x

Thank you very much for your advice, things are getting better :) x