Controlling mother

[Payney]

My stepson is 7 years old and has lived with myself and dh since he was 4. We all get on very well and I can honestly say that I love my ss as much as my ds (nearly 4 months).The problem is my ss's mother. After ss came to live with us, she decided to move away with the idea of seeing him every two weeks. This didn't last long, and very soon, his visits were reduced to half term, one week of Easter, two weeks of Summer hols and one week of Christmas, with the odd weekend here and there. What I am finding hard to handle is her "discreet" criticism of me. I have had ss come home from visits at her house saying, "Mum says stop shrinking my clothes" (she buys a lot of his clothes as her "contribution" or, "Mum says that you didn't pack the right things for me". She has also dictated that I am not to be his stepmum (although I thought that this was, by law, my title) and that none of my family is his family. He is completely torn as my family is obviously the family of our ds (who he adores) so this is just alienating ss but his mother can't (or won't) see this. I feel completely powerless in all this - I am good enough to feed him and ferry him around (also clothe him although she does help out with this) yet I am not "allowed" to be his stepmum...

Ignore her! She is just trying to manipulate you through him which I think is a disgusting thing to do to your own child. My parents are divorced and it is really horrible to be 'piggy in the middle'. Got to admit my Mother was at this kind of manipulation than my Father. I would take no notice as I dont think she sees him enough to have that much of an impact on his feelings. I hope not you sound like a lovely Stepmum

Should say Mother was 'worse' sorry must preview in future!

I agree totally with fio2. Obviously, deep down she feels very insecure with her role in her son's life and also no doubt with her decision to leave him with his father. Her only way of making herself feel better about it all is to criticise you. It is difficult not to feel angry and resentful towards her but you sound like a wonderful stepmother and you are doing a very difficult job fantastically well. You ARE his stepmum and I'm sure he knows and appreciates this. Keep up the good work. All my love xxx

Just tell him you love him and ignore the comments. I think a bright smile and 'Oh, did she? Never mind." is the only appropriate response to comments like those (he's only the messenger as you make clear). Of course you are his stepmother - in fact you are far more of a mother to him than she is - and your family is his family too. She's hardly in a position to 'dictate', is she? I think you should say, if he says you aren't his family, to say that yes you are, that you are his stepmother, you and ds are brothers so of course you are family and he is very special to you etc etc etc. My stepdaughter doesn't live with me but I say she is my daughter and ds is my son. She likes it. She doesn't want to feel pushed out and I bet your stepson is the same. I'm not actually sure from your post how she has not 'allowed' you to be his stepmum.

Payney its jealousy. I bet he has been there singing your praises and her nose has been put out of joint. Just rise above it and ignore the nasty things that she is saying. Take care. x

Payney I agree with the others. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about her insecurity but just reassure your stepson of how much you love him and the part he has in your family circle.

Also you are not just "feeding and ferrying him around" - you are loving and nurturing him and basically bringing him up. It sounds to me like your DH and stepson are very lucky.

It's guilt for leaving him. She doesn't know what her role should be so she undermines yours. Just keep being his "mum" and let him know how important he is to you and your dh. She will have enough on her plate when he starts to ask why she left him in the first place.