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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

"spirited" stepdaughter

15 replies

Fooso · 22/02/2011 15:40

Hi all,

Your words of wisdom would be welcome. I have an 11 year old son and live with my lovely partner. He has 2 daughters of 11 and 7 who we have every wednesday and every other weekend. We all get along great, the girls are very loving towards me which is great but I do find the younger one quite demanding. She has a big personality and requires lots of attention from her dad, and everyone else. I struggle with my feelings as though I think she's lovely, I find her hard work. My partner just looks at her and smiles and thinks she's "spirited". We have only been together for 18 months.I sometimes feel guilty for having these feelings about her. How do you adjust to life as a "step-mum"... i find it difficult to have the feelings about his children as I do my own son...!

OP posts:

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glasscompletelybroken · 22/02/2011 16:07

I could have written that. One of the really taboo issues with step-parenting is that you may actually like one child more, or find one child easier, than another. I don't know the answer but I am also struggling with this. I have my own grown-up children and although they are very different personalities, I love them all the same and love spending time with them all the same. With step-children it is the same as with any other children who aren't "yours" - some you will like more than others.

My DH's youngest is also very demanding and attention seeking and it does drive me mad. She's constantly complaing that she's ill or has hurt herself when she is actually fine. Before I get flamed for that I would like to say that I know it's not all her fault and that she is just expressing her own difficulties with her parents being divorced; I do understand it all in theory, but living with it is another matter and unfortunately I am not a saint and am not known for my patience either!

I will be interested to see if anyone has any advice on this as it is a big issue for me.

Original poster

Fooso · 22/02/2011 16:25

I never thought about liking one more than the other, because as you say, with your own that's not an issue. I often have to remind myself that my partner feels that same way about his children as I do about mine.. that helps

OP posts:

Drizzela · 22/02/2011 16:47

I think it is common right at the begginning (during the step honeymoon) to feel that loving the kids comes easily, particularly if you all get along well.

Then as the months go by the cracks begin to appear and it's easy to punish yourself and think 'why don't I love these children the same as my own?' or indeed 'the same as each other?'

Don't beat yourself up. No one says you have to love your step children the same as your own. Maybe you never will. You also can't force yourself to love them the same as each other. All you need to do is respect them as individuals and treat them with love.

It is very hard. But that's where a good support network comes in. I've lurked on this page for a while and it seems this would be a good support. Also friends/ family etc, if possible those who are in a similar situation.

I have been with my partner 3 years now and at first I found it really easy to love his DD (then 9) as time has gone on the love has been harder. You love your own children unconditionally and I don't think that comes for a long time when the children aren't your own. At least that is if their own mother is very much in the picture. If she's not then I think it's quite a bit easier because you feel a responsibility, or so I have been told.

I've always treated her with love though even when it's been a real struggle. There are times (when she's upset or her mother isn't treating her kindly) when I feel like I love her with every bone... but there are still times it is hard.

Good luck

tallpoppies · 22/02/2011 17:13

Oh gosh - if only there were a magic pill that could solve this one! I have two dbs's that live with us ft. I don't have the same feelings toward either of them that I do my dd although I thought I would when I went into the relationship at first! I have to say I much prefer ebs to ybs. Youngest constantly causes trouble, attention seeks, cries, blames dd for everything and acts like a baby and of course my dh being a bit of a disneydad takes his side in everything! I think honestly for me, if my dh didn't favour ybs quite so much (he can literally do no wrong) I would like him a whole lot more! As it is, I think it is as much as I can hope for - at the moment anyway - to care about him in a practical sense and hope that the love magically happens at some stage.

redfairy · 22/02/2011 22:54

I find it tough with my step daughter as I dont feel I see her often enough to build up a bond or get to know her. We have her every other weekend if that, as very often the visit is cancelled or cut short at a moments notice.

DSD (11)is a very quiet undemanding child who barely speaks and depending on my mood I interpret this as shy or rude
I try my hardest to communicate with her but sometimes I feel she holds back as her mum doesnt want her to impart any details about her home life. Until a few months ago DH didnt even have a home address for her and had to drop her at a pub carpark. (I dont interrogate her BTW)
I do my best to care for her but I think loving her will be a way off until I can master the basics of communication. I do admit that two years down the line I thought I'd be further on with our DSD/SM relationship than I actually am.

lateatwork · 23/02/2011 07:37

i love my dd with all my heart.

i dont feel at all the same with dbs. it took me a long time to understand this. i like children. i get along well with them blah blah blah but a bonus child is different cause you are in a very different role... its hard to work out what the rules of the role are as they change all the time and as a bonus mum (my DBS actually calls me 'plastic mum') often you dont set the rules or even get told about changes in them until too late....

would you expect your DBD's mother to love your and DP bio child in the same way as she loves her own? ummm no. that would be weird and unreasonable. and that's kinda the same relationship isnt it? except they spend more time with you?

pleasechange · 23/02/2011 07:50

I don't think it's at all unusual. Like the others have said, when there isn't that blood link, then you tend to see them warts and all, more objectively than you would if they were your own children. And it is only human nature to prefer some people over others, and to find some people downright annoying (yes including children - how many hundreds of posts are there all over mn about how annoying we all find other peoples' children).

I find DSS1 difficult, and much prefer DSS2. DSS1 is quite, opinionless, uninterested in anything much, no spark, demands attention, need I go on. DSS2 is thoughtful, kind, chatty, honest and fits really well into our home when around. So it's kind of obvious that I would prefer DSS2. Of course if I were a 'parent' to them, I would love them both equally and probably find endless excuses why DSS1 is as he is

theredhen · 23/02/2011 10:05

I know that feeling.

DSD2 is a dream, I really, really like her.

DSD4 is more loving, but I find her attention seeking screaming and demanding difficult to take sometimes.

I still stand by what I have always said that often it is how a parent treats that child or allows them to behave that is the real issue and not the child.

glasscompletelybroken · 23/02/2011 11:58

It's honestly such a relief to be able to come on here and admit these feelings. In RL I would never dare.

tallpoppies · 23/02/2011 15:35

I know - it's a big taboo subject isn't it. I find that while I may moan about my dd sometimes to a friend or family, it's much harder to do about the boys for fear of being judged as the "wicked stepmum"!
I've admitted my feelings about ybs at times to my mum with the outcome that my mum now feels sorry for ybs and favours him too!
Honestly, unless you are also living with the same situation nobody can relate to how you are feeling!

Original poster

Fooso · 23/02/2011 16:45

As glasscompletely broken has said it's good to get it out there! I find your comments really helpful. I suppose I expected too much, as you say the honeymoon period wears off and this is real life. I just hope that one day I can look at them and be less critical in my head!

OP posts:

Lonnie · 23/02/2011 17:48

I actually think there is someone else that can understand what you are feeling whom are not living in that situation.

In my life I have had 4 different step parents. I didnt feel the same way about any of my 3 step mothers or my step father...

similar thing imo and yes I get why.

as a step child i would add that most children dont want or need you to love them like their parents they are way able to see the difference between bio feelings and non bio they have them too

Anushka11 · 14/04/2011 13:10

Hello, Fooso.
FWIW, they sound like my daughters, oldest very shy and only used to speak when she had known people for some time (better now, at 17, but still takes time to warm up), and younger one very spirited- extremely bright, talked++ from early age, strops, tempers, attention seeking, very movement orientated and restless (she was 9, I think, before she could physically sit through a lesson or even a meal, and not because she was naughty!). God was she hard work! I felt like that towards her many a time, and I love her dearly, and she is my bio-child. I wish I remembered the "off-button" when I made her!
Don't beat yourself up, children like that are extremely hard work and exasperating at times- BUT she is 14 now: still likes attention+ a bit tempestuous/ hard work at times, but also very mature for her age, independant, reliable, practical and has a sparkling personality that is interesting to be around.

Took a lot of work to get there, though.

LaDolcheRyvita · 24/04/2011 18:52

You can't feel for a step child what you feel for your own. I'll get flamed for that but, I do believe it to be so. I have two SD's. One is lovely and I love having her visit. The other is spoilt, looks down on everyone and everything and is not (to me) likeable in any way.

This is what you get unfortunately, with "combined" families. It's all a compromise. When I hear one of my sd's screeching that she detests me, I just think "I am not giving up my lovely, lovely husband and my life here with him because you think I stand in the way of your mum and dad being together again". Her mother was unfaithful over a period of years and was given the opportunity to "try again" but wanted her boyfriend and her husband to continue to provide a lovely home and good lifestyle.

He left.

Years later, he met and married me. That's all there is to it.

aLegonEachCorner · 24/04/2011 18:58

Ain't gonna flame you, LaDolche....

I've been there!

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