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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Just don't know what to do

42 replies

emjanedel · 14/02/2011 22:28

I wrote on here about 2 weeks ago in the thread CAFCASS. MY SD and i had words about her wanting to have sole contact with her father without me or my baby (her half sibling). Our cafcass officer was extremely understanding and put it down to us all being under pressure. We were in court today and the cafcass recomendation was that we slowly build up contact until she feels ready to spend nights etc.
We were in court today and the other sides solicitor explained to the judge that sd has been so very distressed since that day so i should not be included in the contact. The have asked that my partner and my baby have contact and that i am not to be there at all. The judge has said that this is to happen for 6 sessions (my dp and baby having contact once a fortnight) and that he will give a final order in 12 weeks. Is this normal? I am so upset i don't feel i have done anything wrong and cafcass have said that i haven't. My feeling is that if the 6 sessions are successful then it will be dp and baby going for contact and me excluded. I am so upset that this has happend. and i don't know what to d0 expdect cry and i've done a lot of that.

OP posts:

Original poster

emjanedel · 15/02/2011 18:29

Does anybody know how we can actually try and recover this we are looking for a way to move forward

OP posts:

catsmother · 15/02/2011 18:41

I would just go ahead (DP) and meet SD but without the baby. If this is raised at court DP tells them that baby has two parents and as you did not give your permission for the meet he could hardly go against you. I don't know how on earth you could be held responsible and/or reprimanded for that stance when you aren't a direct part of the case. What I mean is .... DP had to apply to the court, you, as the stepmother, wouldn't have been able to apply for a contact order even if you wanted to.

Original poster

emjanedel · 15/02/2011 19:19

My question really is in 12 weeks there is the final directions hearing, how can we make progress if this is the last time we are in court? Or do we have to make another application?

OP posts:

DeLadyDeGaga · 15/02/2011 19:35

You can't. Not in that time. There seems to be SO much emotional trauma in all of this.

I'd find a way to keep your DD out of the equation until your DP and his child have re-established THEIR relationship, first of all. Then, maybe some mediation/counselling to facilitate a relationship with you. To include (at some point) your DD. There's a danger of your being permanently disbarred from what may become (over time) a threesome....DP, DD and SD.

Not the way forward.

magicjamas · 15/02/2011 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

planetalice · 15/02/2011 20:17

Oh dear I really feel for you here.

Try and see this as a very temporary fix to the problem.

My experience of the courts is they will be well aware of the manipulation that is going on here but they all ways focus on the needs of the children.

Stay strong and stick it out but I really cant see this being a long term solution and if it is suggested that it should be you and DP should definately come up with a solution.

My DH represents himself to, its tough but much better than wasting the money on solicitors.

Stay strong and try not to tie yourself in knots as easy as it is to say.... maybe treat yourself when the contact that you are not included in is taking place??

Short term = put up with Long term = NO!

:) :)

planetalice · 15/02/2011 20:19

If your not all ready with FNF - join they are amazing :)

Acanthus · 15/02/2011 20:43

Poor child, she's in a hard position isn't she. I feel for all of you. But what I say in my first post is still the case - the court's first priority is trying to rebuild the relationship between the child and her father. It is between the two of you whether you agree to the baby going along. The only orders made so far have been made by agreement, as I understand what you have said - I doubt there could be n order that the baby go along if you weren't in agreement.

Acanthus · 15/02/2011 20:46

Sorry, just saw your last post. After the final directions hearing should be a hearing where the court makes a decision, unless you have agreed on an order. In practice in a case like this, you end up with loads of short time limited orders and further reviews. It sounds as if there are a lot of issues between your DH and his ex.

magicjamas · 15/02/2011 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

emjanedel · 15/02/2011 22:36

The judge said yesterday that the next hearing will be the FINAL one and we cannot ask for another view. Cue other side saying "at least someone is talking sense" and "thank god its finally over".

OP posts:

magicjamas · 16/02/2011 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

emjanedel · 16/02/2011 20:30

Thanks again for all messages. Quick question to DELADYDEGAGA how could we achieve this mediation/ counselling?

DP and i have discussed all the posts at great length. I have explained that the idea of me handing over our DD so he can take her and be a family without me is extremely upsetting and he has promised that he will make sure that it is not for the entire 6 as he agrees that the focus shd be on him and SD for the time being.

My final favor from those that have been there is: DP has decided to call FNF and get some advkice but i'm asking now. DP wants to take a plan of action in to court which he wants to show the judge a resonable timetable for us all to have contact as a family which is the best interests of us all. If any of you have any ideas we will be very greatful.

OP posts:

DeLadyDeGaga · 16/02/2011 20:46

Not sue really. Do you have a social worker involved either your end or ex's end? GP might be able to organise Family Therapy/counselling? Where we are, there are Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services who do this. Maybe solicitor may know of mediation opportunity? Citizen's Advice? School? Cafcass?

Sorry, not terribly helpful but you do need help in this. When "things/relationships" have broken down to such a degree, I'm of the opinion that professional help is vital, if only to keep everyone calm enough to behave in a manner conducive to a workable solution.

I still feel it is entirely inappropriate to expect YOU to hand over your baby....not a child who has a tentative relationship with your SD, a BABY. I don't see the reasoning in this. How can this possibly help her and her dad "re-establish"?

DeLadyDeGaga · 16/02/2011 20:47

Sorry, the "r" key on my lap top's had it!!

That should be.... "Not sure really"

magicjamas · 16/02/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BlueCollie · 17/02/2011 16:15

All sounds rather strange and not quite sure if I have got it right. Was DSD asking to see her sibling?? I would have thought it better that she starts rebuilding a relationship with her dad first. Having a 10 month old there every week will be distracting and not helpful and it will only make DSD feel jealous as no other parent to take over care etc. I also think that it is not unreasonable for DSD to want some alone time with her dad and not have you or her sibling there but do understand getting this every Saturday is not on. Can a compromise not be made where every other contact is just her and her dad?
I make sure that on the rare occasions we have DSD that they have time alone with each other.
Hope it all gets sorted.

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