What to make of this?

[notremotelyintofootie]

Ok..... Dsd/Dbd will be 16 next month, she has been telling her dad that she wants to live with us after her gcse's... One of the reasons being that her mum and stepdad moved them all to a small
Village when a new council house came up, she is at the same school and has chances to meet up with mates etc still but she says she is bored there. She has a half brother about 10 years younger and a dog...

Dh phones her 3-5 times a week and I send facebook messages and texts a couple of times a month, she doesnt reply often and never makes the first move plus when she is on phone with dh seems monosyllabic all of which I know is typical teenage stuff!

In this house there is myself, dh, my ds who will be 12 this year and 14 month dd... We are pretty squashed in as it is but although it would be a pita space and money wise for dsd to move in I have said I would support dh and dsd if that is what she really wanted to do....

In the past I used to do a 3 hour round trip to go and pick her up on a sat and again to drop her off on a Sunday, then I insisted she was old enough to do the 35 min train journey alone so she should do that and she did - she loved the independence and being treated as a grown up! However......

For the past 6 months or so she has made no effort to come down and we only saw her at Xmas when one of dhs family drove to get her over to grandmas and once she'd had her pressies she wanted to go home and get her presents from her mum so I drove her back. she still reckons she wants to live here but is making no effort to visit and when she sees ds and dd she basically blanks ds and pays minimal attention to dd. She failed to get dh, dd or ds a Xmas presie and didn't thank ds for the one he got her from his own money!

I am perplexed.... Surely if you want to move in you'd make an effort?

To the OP - apologies if I've got this round my neck, but did you post about this a few weeks ago? You were worried about who would share bedrooms if she did move in?

Sorry if I'm mixing you up with someone else.

Hi petal,

Yes that was me, basically if she does move in dd will be in with me and dd so that dsd can have a room to herself... Dh has stated that that is non negotiable.... I'll just have to 'suck it up' that we will not have a marital space and will basically become 'flat-mates'!

I will welcome her into our home and have always said to her that this is her second home anyway but i guess it bugs me that she is making no attempt to come and visit and yet apparently wants to live here? She knows no one here and has not been to visit the colleges or 6th form!

In all honesty I'd be less worried about a teenager making the effort or not and more concerned about a so called "D" H who was laying down the law like this without any sensible attempt to work out how and if this proposed set up might actually work (or not). I think I said more or less the same on your other thread. With a toddler/small child in your room for the forseeable future there's a huge risk your marriage will be severely affected. Does he not care about that ? (or about the impact upon your youngest daughter) .... it seems not - "flatmates" indeed - and he's just decided all this without you buying into this plan at all ??!!

He needs to come up with a workable and realistic solution which suits everyone - not just him and his oldest daughter. He also needs to face up to the fact that all things considered and with the best will in the world (and it's not an emergency situation) that maybe there isn't a solution right now (that won't destroy your relstionship).

Hi catsmother, our relationship is definitely less important to dh than possibly having his eldest daughter living with him even though (hopefully) she'll move out and onwards in her own life in a few years! What does upset me is the disregard for our dds needs and also the ignoring of ds...

Mj - thankyou, I would appreciate your comments tomorrow and I agree I would insist no college place no move but no doubt dh will see that as me standing in the way of him having his daughter here!

Given the immense practical difficulties this is going to throw up - never mind the emotional ones which would be inevitable even if you had all the space in the world, I really do worry about how your mental health is going to be affected. I think you will burn up with resentment and anger, never mind the favouritism, if he can't come up with an equable solution. It's so so wrong that he's laying down the law like this. "Suck it up" is just about the most contemptuous thing he could say and if that's his attitude it doesn't bode well for future "harmony" or "one big happy family".

I think that your relationship will not survive very well or for very long if you "suck it up" and go along with what your husband "insists". Catsmother (as usual) is speaking a lot of sense.
Your little one will grow quickly soon enough and your partner and you living practically as "room mates" may lead to a "dual family" split.
mj is correct: ground rules with regards to work/college/attitude to younger children need to be established Before she moves in with you all. However it seems the problem is Less to do with the daughter than your DH's (slight)(?) attitude to You. Good luck with everything.

Thanks mj, I agree with everything you say! Dh is always moaning about this house anyway but doesn't do anything about it... I have told him if he wants to move he needs to find somewhere that is suitable, affordable and do all the organising as I did it all including all the packing last time! Perhaps he might do it if it means dsd can come here more comfortably.....

I have told him he can move out if he wants but he doesn't want to leave dd as he wasn't living with dsd after he was 2 and wants to be here for here but I have said he needs to work on us too then...

I guess I need to wait and see whAt happens over the coming months...

Great post MJ. I also agree with Catsmother: that your DH may need to accept that there may simply be no sensible way of accommodating his daughter at the present time.