Some advice needed re helping DSs and DSSs to bond...

[UC]

I am struggling a bit today... I have 2 DSs who live with DP and I 65%, and 2 DSSs who live with us 50%. They are 10, 8 (DSSs) and 6 and 4 (DSs). DP and I bought our house a year ago. The first few months were very tricky, lots of shaking down of relationships.
Basically, DS1 and the DSSs wind eachother up all the time. They are very different characters. e.g. DSs are far more noisy and boucy, DSSs are very particular about how they like things e.g. to watch TV they like silence and everyone sitting perfectly still. DS2 is 4, that isn't always achievable! DS1 can also be irritating, sometimes on purpose to get attention, and DSSs can be very impatient.

Can you help me with some advice on how to mediate between them? I find myself being harder on DS because he's my child - but it makes him feel life is rather unfair. Likewise if I clamp down on DSSs, they accuse me of favouring DS over them. Maybe I just can't win?

I try not to intervene unless I have to, as I know that me sorting things out often leads to one of the children feeling it's all really unfair because a "solution" has been imposed - and in the long run I think that will lead to resentment.

It's at its worst in the mornings when DP has gone to work, and it's just me here doing breakfast, school run etc. It isn't bad every day, but today it felt all rather over whelming. Maybe I just need a virtual hug.

BTW, both ExH and ExW are fine, and supportive of us. No issues there (guess I should be thankful for that!), this is an issue of relationships between step siblings.

How to achieve a balance????

No advice except to say one day they'll realise they all resent you and your DP over the same issue and will bond over having a 'common enemy'

That would be good!!!

I need to remember the good times, like the first time DSS2 defended DS1 when I was telling him off. And comment to them on how pleased I am when they are getting along fine - I guess I tend to "miss" those moments, and I should let them know I recognise them.

Guess also any family of 4 siblings would have fighting. Maybe it's too easy to 'blame' the in-fighting here on the fact that they're step siblings, not "just" brother (IYSWIM).

Hi UC- We have a successfully blended family and my DD and DBDs clash like that all the time like any other ''blood'' siblings would do.

Also, if they drive you mad in the morning because of telly- turn it off.

It's worked for me when mine became impossible in the mornings and I only let them have it again under strict rules.

HTH

Those are the moments you need to cherish UC!

When DS2 was born I was worried DS1 would resent him especially as DS1 was at a difficult age and having to be punished a bit. Whenever I had to send DS1 to his room I also sent DS2 to the 'naughty cot.' Of course DS2 was totally oblivious but DS1 was enraged on his behalf. They are very close and I like to think making myself the common enemy helped

Thanks. It's reassuring to know other successfully blended families clash too... Guess it gets me down sometimes, as it always seems that the same boy is at the centre of it all - DS1.. But I remember my brother used to drive me mad when I was young - thing is he was my brother... not my step brother...

Seems better this afternoon - DSS2 came home with sweets and divided them up for everyone, even made a pile for DS1, who isn't home yet as he has football.

UC- I still over- analyse things from time to time.

I think the key is to let them get on with it and interfere if it really gets bad.

Very sweet of DSS2 to come home and share...

DBD1 fights with DD all the time but also stands up for her- they will all grow together and before you know it, you will be the boring enemy