.. to remove my step daughter from her mother??

[AmberLights]

Hello!

I am a newbie so be gentle with me.. :)

I dont know where this quite fits in amongst this forum so I thought I would post here..

I joined because I need to talk about my step daughter, I have very good friends but I think I need to find outside help or maybe someone who has been through a similar situation or even just to hear I have done the right thing.

My husband and I have 4 children and he has a daughter from a previous relationship from when he was young and going through a very difficult time. The mother of this child, lets call the mom Jane and the daughter Amy, attended my school and was bullied for her learning difficulties,not by me I might add, she is 3 years older than me.

When I met my husband I was very shocked to find out he had a daughter, being so young, and that the mother was Jane. We have always got on, I have welcomed Amy into my family since day one and love her emormously.

Jane attended our wedding as Amy was a bridesmaid and as our family grew we have financially and emotionally supported Jane in her parenting skill and Amy in her becoming a beautiful 12 year old.

We have always had concerns about Amy's cleanliness and supplied new clothes and shoes as needed, she has in the past and now come here at weekends filthy and covered in nits once so bad, and the only time Jane and I had crossed words I used 2 toilets rolls, 2 bottles of conditioner, 7 hours over 2 days removing all the eggs and lice from her hair.

In the last few months Amy has been staying at ours less and less, we put it down to that now she was growing she would want to spend more time with her friends and less with us. We never questioned Janes motives for Amy's absence.

I recieved an email 9 days ago from a friend of mine, Rebecca who lives directly opposite Jane and Amy which has caused all what I am about to tell you.

Amy has been showing Rebecca's youngest child (6) sexually suggestive things on a doll, she had been sexually active with boys which Jane knows about, Jane gave Amy and 7 other 11 & 12 year olds vodka on Amy's 12th birthday without them knowing and got them so drunk that 4 of them were vomiting most of the night, Amy has been smoking and when we asked Jane about this she said she had told Amy she can smoke when she is 14 (!!!!), Jane she been showing Amy a dating site that she is subscribed to and have fun "teasing" the men, Jane has brough these men she has met on the internet back to the house and has taken them upstairs while Amy and her younger brother (not my husbands) have been downstairs, Amy has even taken friends in to listen to her mother doing "whatever" with these men.

Me and my husband went to the house to ask Jane about these accusations, NONE of which she denied! If anything she admitted to it all..

I am a very busy mom of 4, my days are cleaning and washing, I had never been in Jane's house and when I did I was appalled. This wasnt just pots in the sink and a good hoover and washing on the side, it was pure Kim and Aggy filth. There was no gas or electricity, the house was freezing and cold and stunk of damp. It was full of carrier bags of rubbish, and I dont mean the odd bag I mean 15 of stinking rubbish in the lounge alone.

We talked to Jane about Amy's behaviour and her parenting skills and were in a state of shock about what we heard. Amy had been witness to Jane's ex boyfriend taking herion by needles. This happened in November, around the time Amy has stopped coming. After she found him in the bathroom, along side a needle, powder, spoon and blood all over he pinned her up by her throat and threatened he would kill Jane if Amy told her. Amy told a friend who told school who told Jane.

Did we find out? NO..

We called school who have no details for Amy's father and with a note on her records that school isnt to discuss anything with me or my husband, as we have no parental responsibility for Amy.

Needless to say we removed Amy that night.

She was told to pack all her stuff and came with 1 set of school uniform, 1 pair of knickers, 1 pair of mens socks, a size 16 vest top (Amy is of average build for her age but Jane I would say was a 16), a size 16 long sleeve t shirt and a pair or harem trousers.. That is it.

We have bought/been given everything Amy needs. She now has enough clother/underwear/jamas to clothe a small army.

We are in the middle of claiming child tax (not recieved any money yet as Jane is still claiming) for her with a contribution from Jane of £5 per week.

We have the child protection officer from school coming tomorrow with all of Amys school records and to chat about what has been happening. We have arranged for Amy to see a psychologist as the things that happened with Jane's ex are so painful even I don't know the full story.

I am so worried that we will have to give Amy back, Amy misses her mother but loves it here.

Does anyone know what steps the social services will take?

I know what I class as a "fit" parent but what is the definitiion?

Would you have done the same?

From a stressed out step mom
x

I don't think the "why didn't you take the brother?" people are being very fair. You could have been accused of kidnapping.

op - firstly I have reported to mn hq and asked them to move this thread out of ibu and somewhere that can be less confrontational :)

You have absolutely done the right thing in removing this child from her mother. Wrt her brother, I totally see why you have not been able to take him as well, as he is obviously not your child and given you presumably don't have a relationship with him, to remove him from his mother would be terrifying for him. Hopefully ss are now looking out for him and he will soon be able to be in a safe place. Would you be willing to take him on given that he is amy's brother? Is this something that you would consider mentioning to ss? (although I do appreciate that you already have your house full and that this is potentially not something you would feel able to do).

boohoohoo...

Jane was very understanding about us taking Amy and gladly gave us her.. she is blaming Amys bad behaviour for us having her not how she has been conducting herslef too...

bubblewrapped...

I am not sure,like I said we have 5 now and we live in an average 3 bed house..

I hve no legal rights to James... I do to Amy

Yes, but then the police and SS would have been involved straight away and would see for themselves how these children were living.

I do get though, that you may have felt unable to do that, so not having a go OP

I agree with Karma - I would have taken both children. The poor boy :(

Is the mother happy for DSD to live with you?

Of course YANBU. You have done the responsible and correct thing.

how awful for all of you. isn't it amazing how amy could be living like that yet you and DH had no clue whatsoever. lets hope the little boy gets cared for and the mother gets help to get things back on track.

Amberlights¨
Welcome to MN. There is a blue box at the top of your posts, with REPORT written in it. I would suggest you click that button and message MNHQ to request they move your thread to the "Stepparents" topic.

AIBU gets heated sometimes. The posters in the Stepparents topic will be more able to help than those on AIBU.

You did the right thing, and I am glad that you have taken Amy out of that environment.

Ah, I see Wannabe has already asked MN to move this.

I understand it is a very emotive subject.

Taking Amy did give us alot to think about. We had to make sure we wasnt going to subject our children who live with us to any behaviours that were.. unacceptable.

it is unrealistic to suggest that the op should have taken both children.

Removing the other child would be classed as child abduction (regardless of the intent), which is a criminal offence and could have all sorts of ramifications not only for the op and her partner but also for her dsd and possibly even her own children.

You have done the right thing IMO, horrible situation for a girl of 12. I am verry sad for the little boy, I hope he ends up in a better situation. It must be hard for him now his sister is gone. Please keep tabs on him, I know from experience of SS's inability to help a lot of vulnerable children and they may need a push to sort him out. YANBU to have taken your SD away from her mothers care.

Amber, there is no doubt that of course you done the right thing, Im hoping that as Amys mum allowed you to take her then hopefully Amy can stay with you, and her brother gets the support that he needs.

I really really hope it works out for you all.

You have definately done the right thing, I hope it all works out for you all :)

Amber - I am a retired soc worker and tm mgr (30 years experience) I think the first thing you need to decide is whether you can in fact care for Amy throughout her childhood and young adulthood and be available to her as a family of resource, as you would be to your own children. If the answer to this is YES, and the mother of Amy is happy for this to happen, it could be done as an arrangement by consent. However if her mother is likely to change her mind then you will need a court order. I am assuming SSD have not been involved with this family. You will need to contact them to advise them of the issues with Amy and with her brother and the mother's way of life, hence the risk to both children.

You can then (if you wish) apply to the court for a Residence Order of a Special Guardianship Order and the SSD should be able to advise on both of these options. In both cases the absent parent does not lose PR but the parent with the R.O or SGO will be in the driver's seat and make all day rt day decisions about the child. You will not get any financial help from SSD because they will view this as a "private arrangement" - if Amy and her brother were removed and taken into care and SSD placed Amy with you, that would be different - you could either be kinship carers (and a fostering allowance is mandatory then) or apply for a Residence Order or Special Guardianship Order if the SSD agreed with this course of action.

If however you feel you cannot take on the full time care of Amy, then I think you have a duty to refer the matter of Amy and her brother and the way in which they are living to SSD who should investigate the matter. If you cannot commit to caring for Amyon a permanent basis and she was removed from the care of her mother, she would be placed in foster care, and you would have a good case for requesting ongoing contact.

Hope I haven't confused you too much, but whichever way you go, you must refer the matter to SSD because of Amy's half brother who would appear to be at risk of significant harm.

You may also need legal advice.

That's a really helpful post NanaNina, - and I am bumping this for the OP to see if there are any more what happens next answers out there.

..and to say Good Luck, you have done the right thing.

That's Amazing nana Nina!!

We want Amy here full time, we are prepared to care for all her and her social needs.

I will have another look at your post after kids have gone to bed!

Thankyou

Thanks again nana Nina.. We spoke about our options last night and have no doubt that we can care for Amy here until adulthood and after if she so chooses.

We are currently waiting for the child protection officer to come from school. We really want things to get moving as swifty and painlessly as possible.

You are a good person Amber!

A quick update.

The child protection officer came and was such a wonderful lady!

She has discussed a few things with Amy and the situation around her finding Janes ex with the drug.

We now know that he threatened to slit her and James throat while they were asleep if she told Jane about the drugs.. :(

She tried to stay awake for 2 nights.

A section 47 is being placed as we speak and James should be removed within 48 hours.

I'm so pleased it's getting sorted and her brother is getting help too.

Well that IS good news.

Glad you found my post helpful Amberlights and I'm so glad you feel you can offer Amy a permanent home. Are you in Scotland by any chance as youmention a Child Protection Officer but some LAs may use this term.

How terrifying for Amy and her brother and I think would go in your favour if the mother does contest whatever application you decide to make.

James may be charged with a S.47 assault but he will in all probability be bailed until his case comes to court and the sentence will depend on his previous lawbreaking. However I would expect that one of the bail conditions would be that he no longer lives at Jane's property or has any further contact with Amy's brother. Jane needs to know if this is a bail condition and if it is she needs to contact the police if he returns to the property.

If you are not in Scotland (as I don't know their system as it differs from rest of UK) I think it unlikely that SSD will be involved with Amy as she is now safe with you and your H. If this is the case then your H will need to consult a solicitor to apply for a Residence Order (this will be a private law matter) and a social worker from CAFCASS will be appointed to investigate the matters and make a recommendation to the court. I would do this asap as the Legal Services Commission are stopping legal aid for private law cases (not sure if your H would qualify for legal aid) but if he is (goes on incomings and outgoings)be best to do so before LSC cut funding.

Parents in private law cases like this are almost always encouraged to go to mediation (arranged by CAFCASS) in the hope that an agreement can be made, to prevent the need for a costly court appearance, or sometimes to ask the judge to make an order by consent. CAFCASS are under a lot of pressure and so it will take some time for them to get around to conducting their investigations. Amy is of an age for her wishes and feelings to be taken into consideration. Usually the parent who does not have a R.O. has a contact order made, but hopefully the investigating sw will assess the safety (or otherwise) of Amy having contact with her mother.

I don't think yu can make an application for a Special Guardianship Order as these orders are rememdies in public law and not private. I am not 100% sure on this but you do have to have the agreement of the LA to make such an application.

Happy to help further if necessary

Happy to help further if necessary.

Hello again everyone..

I am back for another update!

After the child protection officer came and filled us with so much hope I am saddened to say nothing has been done!

She went to Jane's house to find it spolessly clean and scrapped removing James from her care. A CAF form was promised to be done to put a support worker in with Jane and extra help at school for Amy, which as of Friday and the break up for school had still not been done :(

Social services are waiting for this form before becoming involved. It is VERY frustrating!

We have been advised to get a residence order which we have completed and sent to our local family court but until then things are going pretty much how they were before!

The main difference though is Amy's stress with Jane's ex boyfriend. She is having flashback and nightmares about the whole incident. I have just made a call to our local NHS child councelling service who had a referal for Amy from December to see if we had bump her up the list somehow.

We also found Jane on a dating site with provocative images of her and Amy together, licking tongues, draping over each other in a sexually suggestive manner. But she is still very unawares of why everyone is so concerned. We visted Jane on Friday night to discuss issues we have regarding Amy's referal and any other issues, she seemed very wooden and uncorncerned.

So thats the latest.. sad and uneventful!

So sorry to hear how things have been progressing (or not). Can the police be contacted about the images you discovered on the dating site? Perhaps that would make SS step in and help James.