Cafcass

[emjanedel]

I have posted on here before about our court case. My dp's ex has made some horrible accusations about myself. Cafcass have been involoved and have developed contact between dp and dsd with me being invovled for the last part of the contact.

Yesterday our cafcass officer interviewed my dp and dsd and she has said that when we get into court we shd move the contact forward more contact and me more involved.

However, when the cafcass officer left dsd said to us - "i can't wait till its just me and my dad agian". I said no from now on contact will be all four of us. She replied that her mum has told her that once this process is over it will go back to how it was before the court case. My dp and i explained that this wasn't the case. She got very upset.

I don't know what to do - she got upset and obviously told her mum taht she was upset. She is seeing the CAFCASS offcier tomorrow and i am concerned that the mother will use the fact that she was upset against us. I am very scared that we have ruined our whole case. How do we defend ourselevs to cafcass?

Neither yourselves or her mother should be telling her what will happen at court as you simply don't know.

How old is you SD?

If she would prefer contact between just her father and her then I think that should be respected. At least in the short term. This whole situation must be very confusing for her.

I'm not saying you have done anything wrong, just that in the initial stages I think its easier to let her stabilise before trying to move forward.

Hopefully once she realised that you will all respect her wishes she mayfeel happier and more in control, therefore more willing to let you in.

I agree with the others. This is an awful situation for you and I am so sorry for the stress you must be under right now but you shouldnt really have said anything to her at all - in future just let her know, as mj said, that this is all stuff for grown ups to work out and you and your dh will be happy to be totally honest as soon as you can be - right now noone knows what will happen and you cant tell her anything till you do. The poor kid must be really confused.

I dont necessarily agree with penelope about respecting her wishes, there is too much evidence and parental alienation which is why courts take a childs opinion into consideration but dont make it the be all and end all of a decision, however I do think maybe letting her know that you appreciate how she feels and if the courts do rule in your favour asking her how you can make the process easier for her would help the relationship in the future.

I agree with that last statement because all she wants is her dad to herself.

She is nearly 11 and cafcass has explanied yesterday to her that for a few months she will be able to have some time with her dad but this will gradually be less and she will have to accept that he has a family.

I have to admit that the stress is becoming unbearable.

Our problem is she makes the right noises with the cafcass officer on 2 occasions she sits there saying i like spending time with my dad, his gf and their baby. Then privatly to her dad she says it won't be long till we are back on our again. What can you say to that?

IS contact only at a contact centre?

That was whta i had assumed so apologies if that is wrong.

I think it will be easier for her to see that you and her father are a family once she gets to see you at home together.

DSD was 6 when DH moved in. thankfully the split with the x was long before my arrival and the DC already has a step dad so kidn of knwe the process.

DSD still had lots of "tunnmy aches" for the first few months. which meant extar attention from Dh.
I pretty much just let her get on with it and then did fun stuff elsewhere. Eventually she became more interested in finding out what i was up to and the tummy aches stopped.
She's just part of the furniture now

I know that my experience is quite different from yours as there isn't the anymosity that you have.

But i think that at 11 she does understand about relationships even if she cannot express her emotions fully. she knows that marriages break down. But if her mum and dad are able to reasure her that they are doing all they can for her best interest i think that eventually she will come round.

It will be hard for her to see daddy loving someone other than mum. But equally she needs to know that you are strong together and aren't likely to break up any time soon.

good luck with it. it is a bumpy road ahead butits worth it when you get there.

Em you have some great advice here, so I wont add more to it but I wanted to ask, have you somewhere that you consider yours, or rl friends you can escape to when you need to? The reason I ask is that I agree with mj that this is the start of the process for you and you almost certainly face a long road ahead. Lets be honest we all know that teenage girls can be hard work at the best of time, even when biologically ours, and this girl has had a tough old time, so I think you need to get into a habit of having some "you" time where possible as an escape. I was told to when I was struggling and it made such a massive difference!

MY sympathies OP - you are going through a very stressful time and this child is at a difficult age. I am a SM but they have grow now and have their own lives. My SD often used to say on visits "I wish I could have my dad to yourself without you" - I used toseethe inside but say "ah well we can't always have what we want can we" or something similar.

As others have said what the child has said will not really make a great deal of difference. All social workers (I am a retired one with 30 yrs ex in childrens services) that they cannot recomend to a judge that the father should not have contact because he is married and the child wants him alone! I wouldn't take too much notice at present - her mother has been filling her up with all sorts -maybe things about you being "nobody" or whatever and she can just be with her dad.

I agree that it probably wasn't the wisest thing in the world to talk to a child about the arrangements before the judge has made the contact order. Children in these situations are fearful and confused because they know they are being fought over by their parents.

Wait till you get the order and take a step back, let her have tine with her dad but little by little (if you can force yourself to be nice to her - you know do girly things)it will all settle. Mind from what you say the mother will always be wanting to cause trouble, but usually kids (especially as they get older) can work things out for themselves. Never run her mother down or let her hear you and your H arguing.

Look after yourself as well as worrying about others.