I need to think this over and whether its realisticly going to work.

[BeingRealistic]

Test

Ive namechanged for this .

I often read this section and im wanting to think things through. Im divorced with 4 dcs , we have our own place. I have a boyfreind / partner who is also divorced with 4 dc. Weve been seeing each other for the last 3 years , usually without the dcs .

Weve recently had a conversation about how things will progress . He has said he would like at some stage to get married again. So would i , but i do not see how practicly this would work and i think it best i be clear about this now .

The thing is , i do not want to play step mum to someone elses kids , so thats really a non starter isnt it. Mine are older and his younger , and i just dont want to do all this again. It sounds awful but i find one of his children really hard work and i know i couldnt cope with him.

I also find his ex wife hard work and i know there would be constant conflict due to differances in parenting . She has already tried to involve me in things that i dont think are anything to do with me . During our conversation he apeared to have a rather idealistic veiw of how this would possibly work , for instance ,his toddlers could possibly share one room ( he has them half of each week ). My older 4 could share one room . That isnt going to work and i dont think my teens could cope with toddlers there for half of each week. I dont think it would be fair on any of them.

Im not sure what response i want really , writing it down its obvious its not going to be able to progress to that stage. I guess i need to look at whether im ok with things continuing as they are , or whether i want more .

Has anyone else had to weigh this up ? I dont want to be a reluctant resentfull step parent , yet i would like to get married again at some stage . Mayve ill have to marry someone else .

My absolute honest opinion is this - if you find one of his children annoying now, and you don't have the appetite to play step-mum to them, then run for the hills, especially when there's an issue with the ex. With the benefit of hindsight, I'd say these issues are absolutely not for the faint-hearted, or most people really (myself included, but I've come this far)

What ages are his children, and your's?

If it has worked for three years then there must be something good about it. But you probably do need to tell him that you can't see yourselves living together. That would be a real nightmare! I am not sure where that leaves your wish to get married again though - unless you just accept that you can't have everything.

Thanks for the replys . Mine are effectiveley young adults and his youngest is 4 . I think it would be extremeley unrealistic to expect mine to welcome a house full of boisterous toddlers after theyve been at work / college all day.

It sounds mean , but i dont want to go through the jam on carpets / playdough and general mess / tantrums again. Ive done it all already and im already aware that he can be a bit lapse with them , ie , not setting apropriate boundarys re behaviour. I dont have the patience or inclination. He is also sort of intimidated by his ex wife and often doesnt assert himself . Ie , recently she insisted he had them for a week because the oven was broke . He duly took a week off work and had them.

It didnt affect me and was none of my business so i didnt say anything , but if we were living together i wouldnt be willing to accept that and wouldve pointed out a chippy tea wouldnt kill them or lent her a microwave .

Im also concerned about finances , i struggle to support my own , i dont want to support someone elses children. What if he became ill , or ex wife became ill or they ended up with me permanently ? I think a lot of him , i would , in differant circumstances consider moving things along .

For now , our situation works , we work usually arounds the children , he probably sees more of mine than i do of his , but im wondering if theres no prospect of things ever becoming more whether i should continue in the long term . Im in no hurry , but one day i think id like to live with someone again or remarry .

I think he is happy to continue as we are for now , as am i , but im not sure ill be happy with this in the long term . I feel a bit mean now having faulted his parenting , his ex wife and his son , but i guess its best to be clear about these things in my own mind. Is a bit late once your all living together isnt it.

Would it help at all if you could afford a bigger place? Are your DCs off to uni soon? As that'd give more space.

OTOH if you are this worried as opposed to excited, it can't be a very good sign. :(

Your username is very apt

I think you are very wise to consider the ramifications of a blended family, and the fact you don't think you could cope with your DP's children is understandable - but I would think it is a dealbreaker as far as going further in the relationship.
If you feel this way now, it may not change if you do take things further. Being a stepmother is bloody hard work, and I have to be honest and say I think you should walk away now.

Muchos sympathy to you, but you need to think about the effects the friction between you and you DP will have on the children.

Have you enjoyed the last three years, and has it worked?

Look three more years into the future. Will some of your kids have left home, and how much older will his be? Time moves quickly, and before you know it, children grow up.

And more importantly, do you love him? Would you life be worse or better with or without him? I think you need to decide on how you feel about him, before you decide on what to do with the situation.

My partner has 4 kids. He always said he wouldn't date a woman with lots of kids as the practicalities of having so many kids would make things difficult.

Whilst I do sometimes resent the fact that I have to deal with 4 kids while he only has to deal with 1, , I know having any more would make life very interesting with respect to housing, finances, cars etc.

Sometimes I really wish I hadn't moved in with him as I find it very difficult sometimes and miss my own space. DP wants us to get married and while I agreed to his proposal, I find myself now wondering if it's the right thing.

Is there any way you could continue to live seperate lives? I am often accused of being overly cautious in life and not a risk taker but sometimes clinging onto the things that matter to you is not a bad thing.

I think you're very wise to be this honest with yourself as you have some very valid concerns. By anyone's standards 8 children is going to be very tough unless (and maybe not even then) you are rich enough to afford a great big house so everyone has their own space. The idea of 4 teenagers in 1 room is ridiculous ..... this would ring warning bells for me, because he's not acknowledging that your kids will be there 24/7 and clearly this plan wouldn't work long term. Throw a "difficult" ex into the mix as well and I think you would find it very very tough and, as you say, you would have - potentially - 8 children's feelings to deal with as well.

In all honesty, though of course I'm saying this based on just a short story, I think your choices boil down to keeping the status quo - or cutting loose, in the hope that you would then at least have the opportunity to meet someone else eventually and maybe have the sort of committed settled relationship you dream of. In your shoes, I'm not sure the status quo would be enough .... yes, his kids are getting older all the time, but as toddlers they still have many years to go before they're going to be independent. It's a really sad situation if you love each other but unfortunately, I think there are some things love can't always conquer.

Hello
I think you're being very sensible.
Please don't let them move in.
I've only just managed to escape a similar situation.
My children and I suffered, I feel guilty that I allowed my boyfriend and his troubled family move in with us.
My boyfriend still thinks we have a future together, but like you, now that I'm almost finished parenting I feel ready to settle down and I don't think he will ever not be responsible for one of his children.
Love does not conquer all, my boyfriend thought it would all work out and he still does, but he's wrong.
Please, please run for the hills and enjoy your children and your life xx

I also think you are very wise to be questioning this. I have 4 grown up children from my 1st marriage and my now DH has 2 DC's aged 10 & 7 (we have been married 3 years). Like your partner he has his children half of the time. I have found it very hard to go back to the demands of small children again and particularly when my DH parenting style is so different from mine. (I was much stricter). It is much easier for me as none of my children live with us - I think it would be a nightmare having 4 teenagers and 4 young ones, from 2 different families, all living together.

You have to consider the practicalities of day to day life as that what tends to stress us all out. I'm trying to imagine how the household would be - trying to balance such a large family when resources (space, money, time) are limited.
Turning this around - what could make it work?
A complete an utter desire to make it happen,space would be essential, buy in from the family for the proposition, excellent communcation between you and your partner, ability to parent jointly and co-operatively, full agreement on how to manage finances. I only have one teen and she wouldn't mind having young kids around (she might even like it at times) BUT she would insist your own life wasn't impacted by it - i.e she still had mostly her own space, she didn't lose signifcant time with parents, she didn't feel she had to compete with step siblings.

At this stage in your life it doesn't feel right - doesn't mean you won't marry again - maybe it will take 10 years..Is he worth waiting for?

On a purely practical basis - could you afford to buy or rent a house that's big enough for all of you? I don't know any family which has 8 children (not even Redhen's) although I do recall that The Waltons lived in some sort of mansion.

Joking aside, I think the biggest obstacle to this could be your partner's parenting style. If you've got to live with four young children, who you dont feel are parented appropriately, that would make life very hard indeed.