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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

should I let my dsc call me mummy?

24 replies

tahlulla1986 · 27/01/2011 07:09

I have two dss's, 7 and 5 years. There bm died from cancer in august 2009. I started seeing my dp about 6 months after her death. I was slowly introduced into my dss's lives. We all get on very well and they're happy to have me around all the time and treat me as an equal to daddy. I think we have a healthy attitude towards their bm. They both have a picture album which we sometimes look at together. They will always know who she is. Me and dp got in engaged last year and the wedding is set for this July. My dss's are very happy. My problem is that my dss's have said on several different occasions 'when you marry daddy you'll be our mummy'. We have said we will discuss what they call me when we're married. At the mo they call me by first name, often with a 'my' or 'lovely' before my name. Me and dp don't really have a problem with them calling me mummy but don't want to seem disrespectful to their bm.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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airborne · 27/01/2011 07:24

I think perhaps bm relatives and friends might have a problem with that? I could see it differently if they were babies but they will always have memories of their bm. I have a dsd who is 18 years old. Her bm died about a year ago, obviously she is a lot older that your dss but it would be totally weird for her (and myself) to ever call me anything but my first name. I suppose it's really the dss call but in my opinion I would not encourage it. Its nice for them to have their special name for their bm and a special name for you. Don't feel that the name will define your relationship, it will be just as loving! Plus you will end up (at many stages) having to explain your relationship to teachers, acquaintances etc.

nickschick · 27/01/2011 07:24

I think they will choose.
I suspect they already have .

I wouldnt like my children to call another woman Mummy but then Id hope if I wasnt here for them someone as nice as you sound was.

Let it come naturally and through their choice perhaps you can be mummy tallulah.

Have a lovely wedding x

airborne · 27/01/2011 07:28

Also meant to add that my dsd has a nickname for me that only her and her Dad (my partner) use when talking to me, so that always feels quite special!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/01/2011 07:40

Don't tell them they can't call you mummy if they want to. You are a mother to them. That doesn't mean you replace their actual mummy, you'll keep the memory of her and their love for her.

I agree with nickschick. If I was still alive then I would be gutted if my children called another woman mummy.

But if I die when they are still young, I would want them to have a loving mother in their lives and I'd be happy for them to call her mum. As long as she loved them with all her heart and really was a mum to them.

I certainly wouldn't reject them (and they might interpret refusing to let them call you mum as a rejection of them) because I was more worried what other people might think. The children's needs come first.

SoupDragon · 27/01/2011 07:44

Maybe you could sit down and have a chat about how their BM will always be their "mummy" and whether they'd like to pick a special name for you. If they still settle on Mummy then fine. Then, if any relatives get arsey, you can say you sat down as a family and they chose what to call you.

Original poster

tahlulla1986 · 27/01/2011 08:02

Their bm parents are very supportive and have said that although they are very upset that their daughter isnt here anymore, they are so pleased that my dp and dss have found someone and makes them all happy. The grandparents were there on one occasion when the ssc said I'd be their mummy. I felt very awkward but grandfather said that they have a mummy that gave birth to them and loved them very much but now they have mummy me that will bring them up and loves them very much too. I couldn't wish for better support from the entire family.

OP posts:

aurorastargazer · 27/01/2011 08:55

oh that sounds so lovely

flowery · 27/01/2011 09:03

Please let them if they want to. I lost my mum when I was 4 and my dad tells me I was desperate to call someone Mummy. I had a step-mum fairly soon after and she was Mummy to me.

swallowedAfly · 27/01/2011 09:06

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Message withdrawn

bronze · 27/01/2011 09:08

Could you have a chat and get them to choose their own pet name for you. Even if it Mama or equivelent. Then Mummy can forever be their mother.

Sounds like you're a wonderful motherfigure to them though if thats what theyre cjoosing to do

GColdtimer · 27/01/2011 09:25

My friend's bm diedwhen she was 2 and her sister was 5. She called her step mum "mum" but never felt disloyal to her bm. She was still very much in her thoughts. She said it made her feel secure that she had a mummy like everyone else. Her bm family were also supportive.

quietlysuggests · 27/01/2011 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyTremaine · 27/01/2011 09:53

I think let them if that is what they want.

If you do feel uncomfortable then I also think mummy tallulah would be nice, it will probably end up just 'mummy' after a while but may help you to become comfortale with it.

Congratulations n your wedding and doing such a great job with your new tribe xxx

LadyTremaine · 27/01/2011 09:54

Oh yes but I agree, discuss it with any important family memebers/friends on their mum's side first. Not to ask permission but just so as it doesnt come as a big surprise when they hear it. It could be unsetting.

LadyTremaine · 27/01/2011 09:55

oops, unsettling.

LunarRose · 27/01/2011 10:01

you are a Mummy let them call you that!

mjovertherainbow · 27/01/2011 10:03

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Message withdrawn

rolandweary · 27/01/2011 10:04

you are the only mum she has, so I would let her call you Mummy if she wants to

I agree about discussing it with her mother's family, but I would be gently telling them, rather than asking their permission - your dsd's wishes should come first IMO

you sound lovely btw - lucky little girl:)

PURPLESWAN · 27/01/2011 10:08

I was going to say check how the bm parents feel about it - if possible discuss it with them again to check they are OK with it

Its what the children want and you are not replacing their bm so I really dont see what the problem is.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 27/01/2011 10:09

They want to call you Mummy, let them.

It's lovely that their Mum's parents are 'on-side' with it too, but really it's up to the children I feel.

How sad for them to go through life without someone to call Mummy on a daily basis just because someone/society 'might' frown don't you think?

I agree with those who say it's heartbreaking to think of your children calling someone else Mummy, but if you had died and someone as lovely as you was there loving them, looking after them and they wanted to call you Mummmy, then what more could you want for your kids?

WildistheWind · 27/01/2011 10:23

What ChippingIn said-

It's clear that they are yearning for it- you have the blessing of their mother's family- I say let them.

JuicyLips · 27/01/2011 10:28

I say go for it. As long as you and the kids are both happy with it then great. They obviously love you and think very highly of you to want you to be Mummy

Acanthus · 27/01/2011 13:48

The children are the most important here, not what the rest of the (obviously lovely) family think. If you honestly think you are going to be around for the rest of their lives (and I know no one ever knows for sure) then let them, if you want to. It sounds as though they want to. Maybe when they are older you will become Mum and their mother be Mummy, just to differentiate. Do you think you might have children with your DP? If so, it seems hard on these children not to call you Mummy when the new LO will.

slimbo · 27/01/2011 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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