Anyone care to join me in a collective sigh of relief?

[Fontsnob]

I love them, but this moment of silence as they leave is just so peaceful. Please tell me I'm not alone on this!

he has just left - phew.....

Not alone..Im glad I'm not alone as felt guilty thinking it

So glad it's not just me then. To top it off dd is asleep too, bath and a book for me. Bliss!!!

You're not alone. I feel a sense of peace descend on me when the hours progress towards the end of the access weekend. I can't imagine it's that uncommon. When the children don't live in your home full time, then no matter how good your intentions, to you/us, they will always to some degree be 'visitors'. Some will find that offensive, but it's just honesty really

Allnew, you're very restrained to refer to stepchildren as 'visitors' - I find that 'intruders' is a more accurate term!

Sunday afternoons are the bleakest parts of access weekends for me, particuarly at this time of year. SS rarely gets up til 1pm, by the time he's had breakfast and played x-box for a while it's 2.30pm, if husband suggests that we go out, it takes him an hour to dress and wash, so by the time it's 3.30pm it's hardly worth doing anything, as we have to have him back home (having fed him first) by 7pm. His apathy and the lengthy access weekends cast gloom over my life, and it's a huge relief when he goes home. Mind you, there's not much respite, as he's back on Weds for his midweek night.

I think the absolute world of my husband, but having to spend half my leisure time with his son is awful. If I didn't love my husband so much, I would have been out of here a long time ago, as SS brings nothing to our lives except frustation and despair. I thought that have a child stay with us on alternate weekends may bring happiness, fun and laughter. How wrong I was.

I used to feel like this - specially when the end of the weekend drew near and DH and DSS got really wound up about saying goodbye - and it is such a relief to say I don't feel that way anymore. It has taken a massive amount of counselling, compromise and growth to get to this point but I'm glad we made it.

Not trying to be smug and am aware that I've been lucky - only one DSS and he was very young when I met him and is not yet a teenager - just wanted to say there is light at the end of the tunnel, things can get better.

Petal I really do sympathise that you're still having the mid-week visits, particularly at the age your DSS is now! Thankfully our's were done away with when DH's job change meant that he could no longer pick them up at 3pm (that was the term of the court order when DSS1 was 6, and she's refused to budge on it since). So as DH could only now pick up at 5pm she refuses to 'let' him have them. She probably has no idea, but it was really music to my ears . What used to make those mid-week visits even more unbearable was that MIL was always parked in my kitchen on that day with them all when I arrived home from work. The feeling of doom when I walked through the door on a Wednesday was indescribable.

FGS what does your DSS aged 17 want to be doing with visiting his dad on a prescribed day at a prescribed hour each week - arrrggghh. I ask but it's not really a question - DSS1 would be the same

Allnew, I hate to count my chickens before they hatch, however ..... a few days ago, DH asked SS what he planned to do over the summer, between leaving 'mainstream' school and starting 6th form. DH pointed out that he'll have the whole of June, July and August at his disposal, and that (and get this) "everyone in this family goes out to work, so doing nothing over the summer is NOT an option ......" To my amazement (and relief) DH insists that SS either finds a summer job, either paid or voluntary, and told him he can't hang round our house over the summer.

When I'd recovered from the shock, I decided to strike while the iron was hot, and suggested to DH, that we "help" SS's chances of finding work, and change to "flexible visiting" rather than the access rota. DH agreed wholeheartedly, and said he would be delighted about it.

I should add that DH was stone cold sober when these conversations took place, and has alluded to them since, so I know I didn't dream it. He went on to say that as SS is leaving mainstream school, it seemed a good time to review the arrangements. I think I've mentioned this before, but DH joined the armed forces at 16, and I think that SS being due to finish his exams in few months, has made him draw a few comparisons. Also, the strict access rota, and the logistical challenges that go with it, have caused DH some real headaches just lately, and he seemed relieved to be able to stop the rota.

Has a miracle occurred? Has the Angel Gabriel been involved? Or the Virgin Mary? Well whichever one it was, I couldn't believe it, and now feel almost physically lighter. I've still got a few months of grey, suffocating weekends ahead of me, but there now appears to be some pink, rosy light (or maybe a halogen lamp???) at the end of the tunnel .........

Good oh - do you have to be there all the time on these awful weekends. Can't you go visit a friend/family member, or even just take yourself off to the cinema! I am a step mum but both SD and SS are grown with kidsof their own and live miles away from us. I too hated the whole business esepcially with my SD - I feel so sorry for the people on here who want advice on "blended families" - my advice is don;t do it!!

Thankfully my weekends aren't awful and I genuinely do love them. But they are someone elses children so I do get that phew feeling (not always) when we give them back?much like grandparents do I imagine!

Petal that sounds like major progress with DH, at last there is light at the end of the tunnel

Unfortunately since we also have DSS2 (11), DSS1 will still be able to 'feed' off the strict access rota for some time to come . Possibly until he's 20, if DSS2 keeps it up until he's the same age DSS1 is now. Oh dear, I shouldn't have thought about that, it's making me feel quite nauseous, a 20yo coming on access weekends asking "what are we doing next dad?"

Allnew ? having a 20yr old coming for access weekends would be rather like having a 8 yr old who still wears nappies. It?s just all WRONG. Although access weekends don?t seem to encourage independence in children, do they?

The plan is that, once he finishes school for the summer, SS will start to schedule his visits to us around his work commitments (which is as it should be) rather than SS trying to find work that fits in with the access rota ? which would never happen in a million years. I?ve always suspected that SS hides behind the rota, it?s been a ?useful? obstacle to prevent him finding a Saturday job. Finally my husband seems to have realised this.

Access weekends at 20??! My ds's are 21 & 19, they had both left home, but ds2 has recently moved back, however they've both sorted out seeing me and their father themselves for years.. That would drive me nuts!!

I actually get on just fine with dbd now, but it's taken a lot of work. I don't agree with a lot of her behaviour or attitude, but do feel comfortable enough to pick her up on it now,especially if dh is having a disney dad phase which he does occasionally.

Like mj, I love having all the kids around, but love it best when it's our "little family" - me, dh and our dd. So I do heave a sigh of relief when dbd goes, and also had the odd quibble about my slobby but lovely ds2 moving back in.