About to start blending families, tips please

[raisinbran]

DP and I are about to buy a house although unlikley we will all move in before Sept.We havent told the children yet. I am divorced and have 2DS 8 and 13 they see their dad eow and DP is a widower and has 2 ds 14 and 10.

DP and I have been seeing each other for 2 yrs and both sets of children seem to accept us and mix fairly well when we do group things together but not expecting a great first reaction to the house move as they seem quite settled in the current homes.

What successes have you had to make it as smooth as possible. How do you take different rules and blend them.

ie one set of boys have tv's in their rooms but dont get biscuits daily other set do but Tv's are not permitted etc

Hi there,

Congratuations on your plans to move in together.

My partner and I have been living together for just over 6 months, he has 4 kids, I have 1.

The main thing I would suggest is that you sort out ground rules before you move in. I thought because we all got on OK before we moved in, that everything would be fine - but it hasn't been!

Having a new home for all of you is a good idea as you can easily make new rules for all the children rather than one set feeling put out that they have to change just because they have new people living with them.

Talk about who will be doing what for who. Neither of you should feel put upon as this builds resentment. Don't expect to feel the same for your step sons as your own sons and you will have to work hard to make sure you treat them all the same despite this. Will your partner be able to do the same for your sons?

With things like the biscuits / TV example you have mentioned, I would suggest a compromise and talk to DP about it now. Could the other boys be allowed a tv in their rooms but have strict rules on when they are allowed on, perhaps all the boys could have 1 biscuit a day rather than several?

Listen to any gut feelings you have now and discuss them with your partner.

The biggest issue for us has been discipline - I don't feel I should be the disciplinarian for my step children but they should show respect for me and gradually as time goes on, they will accept that I am able to discipline them more as I have earnt that right. DP seems to struggle with treating my son the same as his own children and I feel that DS is treated unfairly sometimes and DP seems to think that his short temper with DS is "discipline" and I feel piggy in the middle between my son and my partner which is not ideal and builds resentment as I feel I am giving so much of myself to his 4 children, while also not having to stick up for my son.

I also really miss quality time with DS as I am now split 5 ways. I have started making time to just be with DS and I feel happier for doing so.

Yes, I'd echo that.

It's important that the biological parent/child have time together and I know that you need to help them to understand that it is "your" (combined) home. I sold my house and moved into my (now) husband's house and I feel it. Not all the time but, it still feels like it's not mine, really.

Good luck to you, hope it all goes well!

Thanks very much for the replies and good wishes. You raised some really good points, yes compromise will be the solution to issues.

I am excited but nervous, I will make a list to discuss with DP what you have both suggested. I can see how easy it could be to be caught in the middle. My partner this time round is a more patient,calmer person so hopefully there wont be too many clashes.

I know there will be problems along the way but the more I can plan hopefully the smoother the transition to becoming one family.

Yes I would also echo what the other replies have said but just add it would never work IMHO to have even slightly different rules for both sets of boys. I fear that could build terrible resentment and lead to friction between them. Children are very good at what I used to call 'keeping score' - by that I mean noticing that 'little Johnny has got a slightly higher pile of mash on his plate or he was allowed 5 minutes on the phone I was only allowed 3 - you know the sort of thing - even biological siblings do this so multiply that by 10 for steps I would say.

So i agree as others have said you need compromise and discussion resulting in a set of house rules.

Good luck and I hope you are all very happy - you sound lovely and it certainly wont be for want of trying.

I would agree with the ground rules before going ahead. I can't give too much advise as only DP had a child (EOW) when we moved in together, but is was very fraught for a long time because we all had such different expectations.

My DSD only really knew me from days out and meetings at DP's mum's house, and really hadn't factored me into what she considered her & her fathers new house together. It came as something as a shock to her that she didn't get the master bedroom, to decorate the whole house in bright pink etc etc! She was about 8-9yo at the time.

A few years down the line we are all really happy with my gorgeous toddler DD who is all of ours, but try and get a handle on what their expectations may be.

Very best of luck. Don't mean to put you off but those first six months were a nightmare

Sorry but I agree with MJoverthe rainbow. You must prepare yourself for some difficult times ahead. There are 2 teenagers (difficult enough in unblended families) and 2 middle years kids. You say you haven't told them yet. I would have thought you would have talked to them all about it before you decided on the plan. They are all old enough to make their views known and for their feelings to be taken into consideration.

I think that should be the first step, or you may start with resentment from some or all of the kids.

I am a step parent but my SD and SS are grown up and now and I had years of anxiety and misery because of my SD - it's all so difficult. You may better at it than I was - I was only young with 3 children of my own and money was tight.

Good luck anyway!

Thanks everyone for replies.

I think I knew it was going to be tough but hearing your stories makes me realise there wil probably be several more hellish moments than I would like. Still its no good stick my head in the sand and having my fingers crossed.

I will start to implement suggestions. The only reason we havent told the children yet is one son has exams and we wanted to wait until they are over by the end of Jan just in case the news affects him.

The teenagers are already moving into obnoxious mode. So my rose tinted glasses are mistinging up.Plus the house we are buying needs loads of work doing to it, so piling a bit more stress on to the plate.

Maybe wise to purchase a self help book and bulk order of wine!

Thanks once again.

raisin- hi

I was hesitant to post because altough I am happy with DH and we have blended our family successfully- it's been bloody hard work and still is !

I will echo all the wise ladies above -

1 set of rules for 1 home. The last thing you want is to create an ''us & them'' divide in your home. I also think it is great to get a ''new'' home- you will be making your own memories as a new family in your home and not living in someone elses ''memories'' so to speak.

Be patient- It will take time- I always take my 2 DBDs as an example: the oldest and I bonded very quickly, we're very alike personality wise and we''sussed'' each other out quite quickly. With the younger one it's been longer and took a lot of work- So all these relationships will take time and will develop on their own. There is no need to rush and play happy families.

Having family talks regulary will help along the way.

Finally, the most important rule: back each other up, always remain united in front of the children even if that means you have to fight discuss later when you and DP are alone.

oh and do hang around here- Posting and reading stories here has been a god send

Having a decent wine club is essential

I wish you a smooth transition.

hi i will keep looking at the advoice on here too, if that is ok. have been with dp for 4 months and although i am looking after his son this weekend and have stayed at dp's house with his son't knowledge before - it is not necessarily the same htigns as living together.
best wishes xxx

I've read this with interest as maybe next year I will be moving to live with my DP and his son, the kids will be 18,16 and 14...
good luck

Congratulations on moving in together! :)

I agree with much of the above! Yes, do agree the rules as a family, do keep a united front in front of the children and NEVER STOP TALKING TO EACH OTHER :)

Patchwork families (as we prefer to call ourselves!) can work wonderfully well, although they take a lot of hard work to get going. Both me & DH had a child from a previous reationship and we've been married very successfully now for nearly 4 years, with a new baby and 2 happy settled older kids.

The other tip I have is a book called "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" - it's about £6 on amazon. The best advice I ever got on family communication! No nonsense techniques, some feel slightly counter-intuitive but work amazingly well for almost any age..... including DH! :o Give it a try and report back :)

Good luck with it! It can be done!