I'm in a vicious circle

[theredhen]

I don't want DP to discipline my son as I feel he doesn't treat all the children fairly and is very harsh on my son.

I feel his 4 children have no rules and consequences and I have no say in parenting them because I don't trust DP to parent my son and therefore can't discipline his children.

DS has been getting ill with lack of sleep because of DSC and I feel powerless to do anything about it.

DP has been a lot better with DS over Christmas but it will be a long, long time now before I trust him to actually parent him rather than just be another adult around him.

We spend a LOT of time with DSC so it's not like they just visit, so they can be forgiven for just being "visitors" and not having rules and structure.

Feel like a lodger and childminder in my own home and don't know how to get round this.

Redhen, I'm at a loss to know how to advise you - I just wish there was somewhere you could move to, on a temporary basis, just to give your DP the shock of his life, because that's what he needs.

If one of HIS children was ill through sleep deprivation, I'm sure it would be a very different story.

So I'm sending you a big hug and some moral support.

Hi Petal,

I'm not sure what advise I need either. I too think that if one of his children was ill because of my son that he wouldn't be very happy at all.

I stayed with a friend for a night over Christmas and it was lovely to escape for a while and I also went out for a day with another friend. The tension at home is horrible sometimes.

I think some of my problem is that I'm not vocal enough in my complaints. I'm a pretty laid back person but if I have a problem I tend to bottle things up a bit rather than just blurting things out, but I also think some of that is because I feel he doesn't want to listen to me.

Oh lord, have you tried councelling. One thing is certain, if things dont change you have to leave - you cant have your own child ill through it.

prettyfly,

Everything else is pretty good in our relationship. I've picked up on some jealousy in him towards my son and my relationship with him and I have talked to him about it and he has denied it, but things do seem to have got a bit better.

But, I feel so defensive and protective now towards DS, that I feel like piggy in the middle. I know I need to let that guard down and I am not showing how I feel when DP tells DS off and DP is making efforts to actually converse with DS etc. so I know I should be stepping back a bit emotionally, but I feel I don't trust DP now when it comes to parenting DS, I don't believe he would ever hurt him physically but he can be so harsh with him sometimes.

I've now found out that DP wants to take son to a club that means he will be home over an hour later than DS normally goes to sleep. I expect DSS will then crash and smash about and wake everyone up and then muck about with DS meaning he will get even less sleep.

I really struggle with looking after so many children and I feel you have to let standards slip or you would go mad trying to keep up, but I also feel I am biting my tongue the whole time and constantly asking DSC to do things that I would never ask DS to do more than a couple of times. I don't feel I can give a consequence.

MJ,

Yes I will be looking after the other children like I do when DSS plays football and DP disappears off with him for 3 hours or when DSD goes to her club and he leaves me with others for an hour or when he goes to work.....

I would expect him to only drop off and collect from this club though, although I suspect he will want to stay.

I think I am going to explain that if it was the other way round that I would explain to DS that he can only go to the club if he is quiet and respectful to everyone else when he gets home and I would be prepared to punish him if he wasn't.

theredhen I really do feel bad for you and your son. You know, reading your posts now and recently make me think that this really isn't a healthy situation for either of you to be in. It doesn't sound like DP is willing to treat the children equally, and you are understandably feeling really unnumbered, over-ruled and unfairly treated as a result. It's just not reasonable to expect you to look after the children (especially when there are quite a few of them) when you aren't effectively 'allowed' to parent them.

I just don't want you to go on for the next 5/10 years as it is and then look back and feel like you should have done something about it, or feel guilty that you didn't remove DS from the situation.

Have you had a good long think and decided to stay? I seem to remember you were going to consider all your options before christmas? Feel really bad for you. Does your DP know how it's all making you feel?

It sounds as though you have been unsuccessful at merging your families. I think it happens fairly frequently but it's admitted only very infrequently.

Could you continue your relationship but not live together?

:( I always feel sad when I read your threads as I'm married to someone who was the odd-one-out in an extended family.

He has 4 step siblings and 4 1/2 siblings. He doesn't have a relationship with any of them and his relationship with his mum isn't good. The 4 steps were his step dads from a previous marriage and the 4 halfs from the marriage to his mum, he never felt like he belonged.

His mum once said to me of his step dad "he used to pick on him so horribly, but there was just nothing I can do about it" in the same breath as wishing they had a better relationship. DH left home at 16.

I don't know why I am telling you this except that without going into too much detail, being brought up in that environment has affected him right the way through his life. If your DS is so unhappy its making him ill, please consider whether you take a step back and stay in the relationship, but don't live with your DP any more to give you all the chance of a break.

Yes, I have had a long hard think and I do feel if I go now I will feel that I haven't really tried hard enough. The situation is perhaps not as black as it sounds on here. There have only been 3 incidents over Christmas where I have felt DS was treated a bit harshly. DS would barely have noticed, I suspect, but I can see the injustice in it. DS is happy enough apart from being so painfully tired after DSC have gone home. I know he doesn't really feel anything for DP (good or bad) and it saddens me when I see DP making time for his own children, even going as far to discuss DS new bedroom and taking DSS up on scaffolding to show him DS new room, but he hasn't even taken DS up there and it will be his new room! DSS then took great delight in telling DS how he will still have the biggest room. And my friends are questionning why DS who lives here full time has a smaller room than a child who lives here 3 days a week.

DP does really love me and he does try hard, but I think he just lets his feelings over rule his behaviour sometimes. He knows he doesn't feel the same for my DS as his own children and therefore will snap at him or get annoyed far more quickly. There are a lot of double standards and I honestly believe DP doesn't see them. He told me this morning that I am having a good influence on his kids as his DS moans a lot less now when being made to do a chore. His DS moaned constantly for at least 20 mins the other day, if my DS had done that, DP would have been very cross with him and I would have found myself tense and on edge trying to diffuse the situation. Surely I shouldn't be having to do that? Do "natural" parents have this conflict? DS Dad was never the disciplinarian at all, so I've never had anyone discipline my son ever as I have no family of my own and sometimes I wonder if I am over sensitive because of this? Is what I am feeling (protectiveness) a normal mothers instinct? Am i finding injustice in DP parenting because I don't like him discipling DS? These are all the doubts I have and why I don't rush out of the door back to my own house. Gut feeling is that DP is not parenting DS well, but then I doubt myself....

DS is so generous with DSC even though he knows he has to hide his material posessions from them. I can sense some jealousy towards him from them as well recently and that's something else for us to deal with.

I have a friend who completely understands the situation and says that DP just doesn't have the skills at the moment to build a positive relationship with DS. DP just seems to want to critisise rather than help and be positive.

babyheave, reading your post has really made me think. DS also has 4 half siblings (by his Dad's first marriage) and they have never really bothered with him (although I have always excused it because there is such a large age gap and my ex has not been in their life as much as he should have) and now DS has 4 step siblings, so the situation is very similar. If I'm honest, part of what I am doing is trying to make a family for DS as I have no family of my own, but what if I put all this effort in with all these kids only to find that they and DP shun him in later life? I have this constant niggle that I should have found a man with no "baggage" who would take on my DS and we could have a child of our own, but then again, if that guy didn't accept DS, then maybe the situation would be worse as I would be having a power struggle between 2 children that I loved equally.

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a ramble . I think just putting things into words helps a lot.

It's good that you've decided your heart is in trying to make it work.

Whilst completely understandable, your own standards are double as well as your partner's, because you can't possibly feel the same way about his children that you do about your own son. Perhaps if you accept that is the case, and the same thing is the case for your partner, you give yourselves a chance to allow the relationships to grow. Without pressure.

Make sure your stepsons are well-fed, safe, entertained, encouraged and supported but accept it isn't your job to love them. And allow the same to be true for your son and your partner (though do tell your DP to cut with the critical stuff). It's possible some step relationships will develop into love from such a safe place.

Could you reorganise your living space until the extention is built? Could you put a sofabed in the sitting room for your stepson so that your son can have his own room and not be disturbed?

You are clearly a kind and sensitive person, please remember to be kind to yourself.

For discipline to work, the person being disciplined has to buy-into it. If I tell my son he can't watch TV until the weekend because he was late getting his history homework finished, he has to buy in to the sanction as I can't physically stop him watching telly, as he's over 6' tall and v strong. Step children often won't buy in to stepparents' discipline because they don't feel the sense of connectedness in order to buy in. If I were you, I would perhaps ask your partner to stop disciplining your son, if he has a particular problem perhaps he could relay it to you, and you can decide whether or not it's something you want to discipline or take further. It's not much to ask, assuming your son isn't completely out of control all of the time.

I would HATE my DH to criticise/discipline my two sons from my first marriage. He doesn't even try nd they have an excellent relationship and we have never had any problems in the whole 8 years we've all lived together.

I think you are very brave and determined to try and make everyone happy but Im not sure you can.

You say the situation isnt as black as it sounds, I think it may be blacker. You son will probably never tell you how he feels as he wouldnt want to upset you but children are not stupid he will see and understand the differences between him and his step siblings. It may not be until he is a teenager or young man that you will understand the consequences of the way he is feeling.

You sound like a lovely person but I think you should re read what you have just posted, if your friends can even see the unfairness of the situation then imagine how your son feels.

I do however firmly believe that in order for a stepfamily to work well both partners must care and hopefully one day love the other persons children.

My DH considers my DD his own and treats his children and DD equally, and they all know this so we dont get power struggles. It would break my heart if it were any different, especially as the long term consequence would be a decline in the child/mother relationship in the future.

Good luck Im sure you will do the very best for your son

"Could you reorganise your living space until the extention is built? Could you put a sofabed in the sitting room for your stepson so that your son can have his own room and not be disturbed?"

Goodness, No. That would seem such an odd thing to suggest to DP, but thinking about it logically, it makes sense. I'm not very good at putting our needs first am I?

Swedes, I think you are completely right about "buying into" the discipline and that's exactly what I have explained to DP. Don't think he understood at all and just thinks I am being overprotective. I sometimes wish that DSC were only here every other weekend and never on a school night, then I think the not disciplining each others kids might work, but while we have to do school runs, organise bags and lunches, get them out the door on time, get them to sleep at a reasonable hour etc. then it's not working because then it becomes very apparent to me that we have 2 sets of rules going on.

When DP stops disciplining DS, I feel better about things, but then I find myself getting frustrated that we have 2 sets of rules for the children and I can't discipline his children as I won't allow DP to do it with DS, hence why I feel things just go round and round.

As for DS having a smaller room than DSS, this is because DSS will be staying in what was his room before we moved in. It just seemed easier to put the "new" child in the new room. DSS does have a big room and DS will have a room the size of his old room at our old house (a small double room), which will be adequate but when I hear DSS talk smugly and rudely like he did, it makes me cross, especially when DS is so generous with his time and possessions towards him. DSD is already telling me that any new pet we get will be hers and not DS's. I explain that all my pets are everybodies pets now we all live together but she is adamant that the next one will be hers.

And why is it that when DSC have a friend over I would never even think that DS should tag along with them to the pictures, but when DS has a friend over I find myself feeling guilty that DSS will be left out if he doesn't go? My thinking seriously needs some changing sometimes. I think I was brought up to consider everybody elses needs but unfortunately, it means I miss my needs completely sometimes.

You should definitely be putting your son first and you come next. Everyone else after that, in whatever order you like.

theredhen... although our situations are completely different I completely understand how you feel in regards to your DP and DS. I feel for you. It's very difficult. You say it will be a long time before you trust DP to parent your DS rather than just be an adult around him. My question is how does that work for you? Have you asked DP not to discipline you DS? And if so how did he take it?