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Stepdaughter comparing me to her Mother

11 replies

MsPitstop · 12/01/2011 11:39

Hello Folks,

My SD is 4 and mostly lovely... She spent the weekend with us and went back to her Mum and said that she knew why her Father had married me and not her - that I was more beautiful and had nicer clothes. This isn't true and my SD will also often say to me that her Mummy is much better at some things than I am.

I guess she is just trying to figure out why her parents aren't together any more but has anyone else come across this and got any suggestions as to how to deal? It is obviously really upsetting for her Mum.

Thanks,

OP posts:
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jonicomelately · 12/01/2011 11:43

You could use humour to diffuse the situation with the mother. Suggest a points system? Whoever gets the most gets a prize Grin

Greeninkmama · 12/01/2011 16:35

Oh don't worry about it. Just make a joke of it to the four-year-old - 'Wow, lucky Mummy' etc etc. Once she knows she can't get a rise out of you she will stop doing it. Hopefully.

WildistheWind · 12/01/2011 16:50

What green said makes sense- Don't over think it. If she is lookign for a reaction just laugh it off and say thank you when she says something nice about you !

GwynAndBearIt · 12/01/2011 16:51

Are you on good enough terms to talk with her Mum about it? - as it might be reassuring for her Mum to know that she's saying similar things to each of you. her Mum might think it's all one sided.

My SS did this when he was about 6, making comparisons and comments about Mummy doesn't so it like this , your food is nicer than mummy's or vice versa - I used to say things like, - we are all different, it doesn't mean one way is right or better than the other, or that sounds lovely etc.

Unfortunately his Mum really took it badly, she thought I had been creating competition and putting the words in his mouth like I am wonderful your Mum is rubbish, - I truly wasn't, - it all came from him. It has really damaged our relationship I think.

So if you can get this cleared up with her Mum now then you'll both be dealing with her comments in the same way and hopefully backing each other up and it will stop in time.

TheVisitor · 12/01/2011 16:52

Just tell her mum that she says very similar things to you about her mum. She's testing boundaries and seeing what will give her attention.

LadyTremaine · 14/01/2011 10:35

Goodness,like it's not hard enough to have a good relationship with the new women in your child's life without the kid meddling Grin

How did you discover that the child had told her5 mum you were prettier with nicer clthes etc?

I think the child is seeing if she can get a reaction (not in a malcious way as she's only 4) and you both have to make sure you are saying thank you for compliments but in a casual way. Make a joke with the mum about the points thing, that's a good idea.

SMummyS · 14/01/2011 17:27

My 5yr old DBD does this, her's isnt out of devilment she just cant understand some things.

'Mum why do you always shout at me and hit me, SMS doesnt shout, even when Im naughty she tells me what ive done wrong and then we get on with doing things'

'Mum you always hurt when you brush my hair, SMS doesdnt can she come here to do my hair'

Apparently both of thoes comments got DBD a time out in her room and a smacked bum (proves comment 1)

Unfortunately as we (DP and I) do not get on with exW I just explained to DBD that everyone is different and that we all do things are own way, it doesnt make it right or wrong.

GwynAndBearIt · 14/01/2011 18:59

SMumS, that is so sad for your DBD, does she really hit her? that's awful. Sad and punishment for the comments? Angry

SMummyS · 14/01/2011 19:06

Yup SS refered her to a parenting class Hmm

She's not allowed to mention mine or her dads name in their house and if she has to mention her dad she's to call him by his first name [angy]

Best one was when DBD told her mum she wants to live here.. Rey was tough. Not you can't I'd miss you too much, says it all really!!

purpleandpink · 25/01/2011 11:11

Hi

My sk's do this as well. In our case, I think it's because, like smums, they are not allowed to mention my name at their Mum's or talk about anything nice they have done with us but are actively encouraged to say "bad" things, such as if they have been told off or have argued with one of our other kids. If they tell "bad" things, they get a gift to cheer them up for the "awful experience" at our house. They tell us this, because they get upset that she then comes to us and says "why did you do x,y and z, they are so unhappy, they hate it there......blah blah blah" but they do it because they want the gift. If they ask to call DH, they get smacked Sad

So here they will say bad things about their Mum, she is a rubbish cook, she is ugly, they hate her....etc" where as I am the best cook in the world, pretty, kind...etc - DH has had to sit down with them and explain that the same doesn't apply here and that they can share whatever they want, good and bad and also that they can call or text her whenever they want. They are still wary but gradually we are breaking the negative cycle and getting them to share some of the positives about home as well.

I think all children will say what they think someone wants to hear, but I also think they can sometime suse it against them as well. My SD got annoyed with her Mum recently and yelled that she wished I was her Mum. She told me about it, and admitted she had said it because she knew it woud upset her Mum more than anything else, which I can understand.

I have no real advice - maybe just make light of it and point out her Mum's good points as well.

Beamur · 25/01/2011 11:17

I think this little girl is just testing some boundaries and trying to work out whats happening.
My DSD used to ask lots of questions about wedding anniversaries and get out her parents wedding photo and bring it to the dinner table.
Dad and her brother used to clam up and look awkward, but I found the technique I used was simply to talk to her - I think she was confused about why her Daddy was still (technically) married, but Mum wasn't there.
If you can speak with her Mum, or ask your husband to and make sure you're all on the same page, I suspect this behaviour will pass.

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