Not sure what to do about this surprising information

[thundercat]

My DP and I each have a 10 y.o. son. They are in the same class at school and we both know that his DS has some behavioural issues and is struggling a bit at school. My DP has joint custody of his son, and I have full custody of mine. Talking to another mum this morning who knows us all, she told me that she doesn't want her daughter to play with DPs DS anymore as he is so disgusting. She then went on to explain that this child says that he is going to masturbate over her daughter etc and uses other extremely sexual and explicit language. I was then doubly shocked when this woman told me that my DPs ex had explained to the boy exactly what it meant to masturbate and how to do it. I am totally shocked as normally my DS tells me more or less everything that goes on at school but he's never said anything about this. My problem is this, should I tell my DP what I have heard, bearing in mind that he hates playground gossip (as his son is often the topic) and he doesnt have a great relationship with his ex. Or is this normal in 10 y.o boys?? We don't live in the UK

Oh god. Well I think masturbation is a fairly common topic for a ten year old boy and if he has behavioural issues I would guess he is trying to shock. Your dp needs a serious chat with his son about acceptable behaviour where this is concerned. Do you have the schools backing with his behaviour? I think a chat with your son as well to see if he a. knows and b. how he feels about it - he may be able to shed light on whether or not this is a playground thing, if other boys are talking about it and if the mother in question is being witchy about your dss. As the mother of a boy with adhd, who is also the one parents like to slag off, you and your dp have my sympathies.

Also, and I dont want to be sensationalistic, but if the gossip element is ruled out, a gentle chat with your dss to ensure that nothing untoward is going on in other areas of his life wouldnt go amiss. Sexually explicit language and behaviour plus behavioural issues dont have to indicate a problem of a more sinister nature but sometimes it can do, so I would check to be sure.

Thanks prettyfly. I think what I found most shocking is that it is DSs own mother who has told him how to do it. I honestly don't think I'm a prude, and I have chatted to my own DS about sex, but I just wouldn't tell him how to masturbate quite frankly. I know it was her, because she told one of our mutual friends about it, she thinks she is being cool and modern. I agree that he is doing it to shock, unfotunately, the class has 27 kids and one teacher and unless the behaviour is dangerous the teacher tends to turn a blind eye. He was in trouble last year for bullying and using bad language as well but nothing major came of it. I get on really well with him, and apparently his behaviour with us is radically diferent to when hes with his mum which is odd, as its usually the other way round I find!

Re your son with adhd, I thought DPs DS might also have this, but unfortunately its not really recognised here (Spain). They had the school pyschologist in class for one lesson to see how he was, but obviously he behaved well that day for half an hour! What I find quite difficult is that his mother is a very strong character and her friends are scared to tell her what they think, so they tell me! And I don't know what to do...

It is really hard to advise you when I dont know the system locally, but I do know that if he becomes sexually innappropriate the school will be FORCED to investigate regardless. Why the hell would a woman tell her ten year old son how to masturbate? That is just bloody odd.

ps - well done on having such a good relationship with him. Would it be an awful thing for your dp to take full custody of him?