Any advice would be really welcomed

[Tricks]

I have posted a few times before and the advice has always been great... so can i just let a few things off my chest please ?

My partner has a six year old boy and despite us dating for 18 months im yet to meet his son (i have major issues over this delay; but my partner thought it best to sort out his divorce and settlement prior to me being fully involved).

Anyway, im pleased to say that me being on the scene is now out in the open - my partner told his ex wife a few weeks ago (BY LETTER !) and also the news that we are buying a house together in two months time. To this effect he told his ex that he wants me to meet his son over the next few weeks (and we've been waiting for the rockets to go off ever since).

Anway,last night i discovered that the ex has wrote a letter to my boyfriend outlining her concerns.

Firstly she thinks we are putting pressure on her son too quickly (little does she realise ive been waiting months of this day). She is concerned that he is going to see us in bed together and when we are out together people are going to assume that i am his mum. Finally, she wants to look at our house before he comes to visit. She mentioned that my partner is being 'cruel' for trying to make another family unit for their son and that she is going to find it all very diffcult. Now i feel i have taken a firm back seat in all of this up to now - treading water to do the right thing and im fit to burst - HOW ABOUT MY CONCERNS AND FEELINGS !!!! No one asks me when i want to meet the little lad.

Now to add to the 'issues' im currently three months pregnant; so little does the ex realise that there are more bombshells to come.

I am determined not to let HER concerns ruin my relationship, and whats more have a negative effect on my partners son. At the moment she is the one with all the issues - the little boy seems to be quite excited about meeting me.

Please advise how best to deal with this extremely sensitive situation.

Hello Tricks, I have read your threads before so I do know a bit about your situation. This step-parenting business is bloody hard isn't it??

The first thing I would say to you is: has DPs divorce been finalised yet? If not, and I don't think you'll like this, I would hold back on everything until it is. From what I've read about you before it can't be far off now? I only say this because I got dragged (by my DPs ex) into their divorce despite the fact that SHE left HIM for his 50 year-old ex best friend who he worked with! I can't explain to you the hurt this caused me, and still does at times, and the trouble it caused between the two of us. Believe me, it really isn't worth it for the sake of a few weeks/months - especially with you being pregnant as you know that this is going to "upset" her even more, as it were

The other things his ex has said are all, IMO, absolute rubbish! Sorry to be so blunt but "putting pressure on his son" - he's excited about seeing you and quite rightly so, no-one's putting any pressure on him! "Worried about him seeing you in bed together" - ?? Why is this a problem? Think it's her problem rather than her sons! "People might think you're his mum" - well yes, of course they might - that's life. But it works both ways, when she meets someone else people will probably think he's his Dad too - there's nothing anyone can do about that. Again, I don't see what the problem is. "She wants to look at your house" Why? I think she's just being nosy - there's absolutely no reason whatsoever for her to "have" to see your house and if I were you I would not allow this to happen. "Your DP is being cruel for trying to make another family unit and she's going to find it difficult" - he is not being cruel at all, he's simply trying to build a new life for himself which he has every right to do and if she's going to find it difficult well that's hard luck on her part. She will build a new life for herself too - again, that's life, it happens all the time

I really think she's creating problems here when there aren't any and, once your DPs divorce is settled, it's up to him to stand up to her and be firm, but I really would wait until the divorce is sorted because if you don't she really could, and probably would, make things very difficult for you

Don't know if I've helped here and I know I've rambled a lot - sorry!

Thank you NotActuallyaMum for replying - our situation is complicated and im pleased you were able to read my post without thinking 'what on earth is she talking about'!!

Fortunately my partners divorce is all finalised and the settlement is sorted so at least we've got over that particular hurdle.

Im just so upset because i, and my partner will do EVERYTHING we possibly can to ensure that things go as smoothly as possible; and we certainly dont need her threatening things like ' if you push things you will be the one who mises out'.

Im so cross she wants to look around our new home - a first home together- she is just being nosey and im not sure how im going to handle this one yet as yet again if it means partners son cant come over unless i agree then i guess ive got to cave in AGAIN.

The problem is compounded by the fact that my partner tries to protect me from the strains of all of this and feels like 'shes his mess and he will sort it out'... so its difficult for me to support him and also get my opinion across.

If everything's sorted with his divorce then I think that makes things easier

There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON whatsoever for her to look at YOUR new home - put your foot down and tell your DP that under no circumstances is this going to happen - you have every right to do this and should NOT have to cave in on this one. If you do IMO you will feel violated and won't feel comfortable in your own home

Do you know what she's actually threatening? If it's to make problems for DPs access to his son she can't do this - they were married and he has rights so don't let her blackmail you!!

Try to get through to your DP that you're a couple and you'll sort things out together - there is no "my mess or your mess" anymore, you're together and that's the way it's going to stay. If you put it like that he may feel more able to talk to you about things then you should be able to get your point across easier

The truth is I would feel violated by HER 'snooping' around my house; especially because she is guaranteed not to want me actually there when shes doing her grand 'tour'. im not sure what exactly it is shes concerned about anway?

She uses two main threats on my partner (when things dont go her way):

1. That their son is deeply upset and has been crying for hours - which really gets to my partner because he hates to think hes little boy is 'suffering' because of him.

2. She just wont let my partner see his son. ie. we would have to take it to the courts.

I really hate her for making this situation even more stressful than it really is.

Tricks, sorry for what you are going through. I'm not a step-mum but my ex-H has a long term gf and my children go & stay with them regularly.
Personally, I think your DP's ex-wife is trying use the son as a weapon. She is trying to hurt your DP via the son.
I think it is unreasonable to inspect your house. I have never seen the new house where my children visit but I trust my ex-H enough to know that he wouldn't want any harm to come to the children while in his care (and I should add here that I dislike my ex-H intensely, just so you don't think we had some chummy, smiley "lets be civilised" divorce). On the other hand, it would be extremely gracious of you & your DP to extend an invitation to come and see the bedroom where the little boy will stay. It would also mean that the visit would be on your terms.
Has your DP asked his solicitor to send a letter to his ex-W asking for visitation to be formalised? I don't think it counts for much, but it may get things on course.

I agree all her concerns are about her, not her ds and I think you just need to resign yourself to the fact that you may get a number of unreasonable requests/ comments for the next few years. I think you just need to distance yourself from them and probably the easiest way of doing this, is to sometimes put yourself in her shoes. Imagine if you will, that in six years time, you are required to send the baby you are currently carrying to the unknown home of a woman you have never met and entrust your child to her care. How do you think you will feel about that? Positive?

I'm not by any means defending her mad demand - she simply has to gulp hard and accept that her xp wouldn't be irresponsible enough to have her child in an unsuitable environment and that she has no right to monitor that environment - but I'm just saying that if you sometimes try and imagine how you would respond to being in her situation, you may find it easier to emotionally distance yourself from her when and if she behaves badly - and from what you've said, she may be about to start behaving very badly! Ex partners getting together with someone new is often a catalyst for things to go downhill, and you need to be looking after yourself right now, not getting involved in a whole load of stress and anger and sometimes absolute outrage that you might be taking on. Just try and bear in mind that her being mad is not personal and is not your fault ? don?t waste precious energy hating her, try and distance yourself from her shenanigans. Having a new baby is quite enough stress to be getting on with, you don?t need to take on any extra. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it all goes well for you.

Tricks - you absolutely must not let her go to your house, you really need to drill it into your DP that this is not going to happen and make certain he knows you mean it. Sometimes as a step-parent - I'm sure you'll find the same when things settle down for you - I have to put up with certain things/allow some things to happen against my will because I know it's the right thing to do by my step-daughter but this IS NOT the case here - she's just being downright awkward and there's absolutely no reason why this should happen. She's not concerned about anything - she just wants to be nosy!!

I very much doubt if your DPs son is getting upset but perhaps your DP could speak to him and ask if anything's bothering him etc. He doesn't have to say outright "mum says you've been crying - what's wrong" I'm sure he could ask the question without actually coming straight out with it

So I assume that DPs access to his son wasn't arranged when they divorced? Presuming this is the case, personally, if push came to shove and she said you have to go to court for access, I would see what DP says about calling her bluff "if you think it's appropriate to drag our son through the courts so he can get to see his Dad then you go ahead"

I say start as you mean to go on - you can't let this woman rule your life and dictate how you live. The most important thing is that you and DP must talk to each other about this

Hi Tricks, I remember your posts from before. It's great that you're finally going to get to meet your step-son.

It sounds to me like the news of your existence has thrown her ten left and she has all sorts of feelings that it has thrown up for her - a lot of which she's just going to have to accept or get used to. I don't think her wanting to see where her son's going to stay is totally off the wall, but wanting to come and snoop round the house without you there isn't on. I do think it might be a good idea if you were to meet, maybe somewhere neutral the first time, and just have a chat. That's what I wish had happened with dsd's mum but was never possible as she refused to speak to me. I wish I had been able to reassure her that I didn't want to take her place, and she really had nothing to worry about. What actually happened was that we never spoke and she jumped to all sorts of conclusions - like I couldn't have children of my own so I wanted to take hers away from her.

Welcome to the world of step-mums and don't forget we're here when you need to vent!

NO WAY should you let her in YOUR home.

What is she xpecting to find ? ..... that you both live in a squat also inhabited by x no. of druggies ?

It's plainly a ridiculous demand, dressed up in "what's best for the child", to satisfy NOTHING except her own curiosity. Mark my words, if she comes round, the visit might well be used against you in future. Anything from comment on the amount of money you've apparently spent on your new home, to remarks about your perfume she's spotted on the bedside table.

I don't know what kind of BM yours is, but believe me, there are some very bitter and twisted individuals out there and they will use the flimsiest of "evidence" to have a go.

DON'T do it ............ as others have said, she has to trust that your DP would never host his child in a dangerous environment, just as he has to trust her.

What would SHE say if he demanded an inspection of HER home ? Or is it taken for granted that she knows how to "parent" and he doesn't ?

This isn't about the child, it's about nosiness, and also possibly power and control. This is YOUR home - it's a NEW START for you and DP, and represents YOUR life together. She is NOT part of that ..... by coming round, she would be involving herself in it.

Presumably he already knows what her home is like, as it also used to be his, unless he's moved.

Sorry, unless she's moved.

I think you're right about it possibly stirring up a fund of criticism for the future though, Catsmother.

Thank you everyone for your responses

Now that i am expecting myself i do appreciate that this must be a difficult time for her -however she needs to ultimately realise that dp is equally responsible for their son and therefore the environment we provide for him will be safe and secure. I am definitely going to put my foot down about her 'demanding' to visit BUT im so worrided that this is going to back fire on me because im sure she will say that if she cant come over first ss cant stay with us and therefore who ultimately gets upset... my DP.

I also cant help feeling extremely resentful that if my DP had moved more quickly in me gaining contact with SS then we wouldnt be facing two hurdles at once ie. meeting and also moving in together.

PS. She has recently moved out of their old family home and into a new house (which my DP had no input in) so why should she poke her nose into ours !!!

Thank you for all your support ladies

Can only reiterate what everyone else has said here. Do not under any circumstances allow her in your house. That is YOUR house not hers, it has nothing to do with her whatsoever and to be honest I would find it an insult that she doesnt trust your DP to provide a safe environment for ss to stay in. If she has just moved into a new property with no feedback from DP then I think she is a total hypocrite expecting to have input into your house, shes just damn right nosey!

I think a lot of this probably does stem from DP taking so long to advise BM of your situation. It is going to look like this has happened all of a sudden, going out, moving in together, having a baby. I do think she should be made clear how long you have been together now that it is in the open. Cos when she finds out your are pregnant, she may think that it was an accident, or happened too soon, or something like that, anything to have a go! As Catsmother said there are a lot of BMs that cant seem to let go of their ex's and try and make theirs and their new partner's lives a misery.

Incidentally, does she have a new partner herself? Perhaps DP should start saying that if she wants this much input then he should have the same amount of input into what she does etc?

Anyway, welcome to the land of Step mums! Please keep in touch, this site is a godsend x

Ah been there done that one! Firstly I have to say, don't worry it will get easier, it's just very tough for expartner/wife, suddenly realising that your son is about to grow a stepmummy and you have no control over it what so ever!
I am my husbands new wife and three/four years ago we went through all of what you are now describing, although we left the baby about a year longer!
Exwife was exceedingly hostile to begin with, but once son met me and didn't really bat an eyelid and still carried on calling her mummy, she calmed down a bit.....the next step was me moving in, which went like a lead balloon, however we arranged for me to meet her, and she was alot better once she realised I wasn't a witch who was about to destroy her life, in fact I was having no effect on it at all, except to provide her with extra babysitting twice a month! it also helped that ss likes me, and dh kept reminding her that ss was the important one, whose best interests they both have at heart.
Our next step was to have dd, by which point she said she was expecting that to happen, so was ok with things, again we involved ss fully in the process, scan's etc, so he's fully involved in both families and in the meantime exwife met her new partner soon to be dh and we all lived happily ever after (so far anyway!) and we now have another addition on the way!
We're now happily at the point where exwife and I get on fairly well, enough for us to share ss's birthday party and for her to give my dd cuddles as well! (when dd lets her!) Have to say it also helps that we get on well with her mum too, who has always been very supportive of me in my relationship to dh, which has no doubt assisted an easy transition once we got serious. All this and we live 100 miles away from each other!

also have to say don't let her into your house, we don't go into each others houses, like surfermum et all say, she has to realise your dp has joint responsibility for their son, and thus she needs to trust him. Agree with meeting on neutral territory too, best for all, it will take time, but keep going with positive attitude, and keep stressing sons best interests at heart, its about him, not her, something hard to get used to, but that's life.

Tricks - if you're saying things like you realise how hard it is for her, then you're going to do alright. It's so hard when BM's start making demands like "let me see your house or you won't see your son". It's like they hold the trump card. We have always given in because there's no way dh would miss out on a contact with dd. There was a stage when BM was insisting on knowing where dh was going to be taking dsd, it was a damn cheek because dh didn't at that stage even know where she lived (long story) - yet when he returned dsd to her and said "so where are you going to be taking her for the next 3 weeks" he was told it was none of his f'ing business!

Don't let her spoil what should be an exciting time for you with your new home and baby on the way. I used to try and imagine BM like a genie who flared up out of a bottle when contacts were due and then once they were over I would visualise her being sucked back into the bottle and I'd put a really big cork in it.

Let us know how you get on.

PS It's surfermum in case you haven't picked up on the current trend of name changes.