Well it could have been much worse ......

[Petal02]

We only had SS (age 16) for Christmas Day. And of course the rest of the family was round too, so it 'dilutes' him. However there was one BIG blow-up ..... we were about to start dishing up Christmas dinner, when SS decides he wants to connect his X-box to the TV in the kitchen. Our kitchen is square-shaped, and he fetched in a dining room chair, plonked it in the middle of the kitchen, and proceeded to start playing on his X-box. I walked into the kitchen at this point, realised there was no way we could finish cooking or dish up with someone sitting literally in the middle of the room. I said "come on SS, we can't do anything with you sitting there, can you do it upstairs." Husband then hissed "he's not doing any harm" well no, but he'd completely paralysed the kitchen. My Dad then walked in, and said (in a light hearted way) "SS, we won't be getting any dinner unless you move" - again, husband snapped, saying SS wasn't doing any harm. Dad's face was a picture, and he left the room.

Afterwards, Dad confided that this one incident summed up everything I'd ever complained about, and he could now see EXACTLY where I was coming from. I was furious with husband. Firstly, I never expected he'd over-rule me, particularly not in front of SS. However, he still seems to think that we should have postponed xmas lunch to indulge SS's x-box activities.

This left an atmosphere for the rest of the day.

On boxing day, husband commented how hard he finds my brother, and that he was pleased he only has to see him once a year. I hit the roof about this. My brother is indeed hard work, however husband should thank his lucky stars that he's not here every other weekend ... I pointed out that if I invited my brother to hang round our house on alternate weekends, husband would have left me a long time ago, and that it's no different to my discomfort with SS.

However, that was the only issue over the festive season. We've just been away for a few days, over what should have been an access weekend. With this in mind, I fully expected SS would be with us for the coming weekend (Fri/Sat 7/8 Jan) but no - husband insists the rota is adhered to, and in order not to break the cycle, SS won't be here until the weekend 14/15 Jan. This, of course, is music to my ears, however I find it all very strange. By sticking to the rota, it's meant that husband won't see his son properly for nearly a fortnight. It seems that it's OK not to have much contact, just so long as the rota is adhered to. Obviously I'm not complaining about having some child-free time, but it does seem that the rota conquers all, and as much as I find it frustrating, SS and husband lose out too. Common sense can rarely prevail, life is run via the rota .....

Funny old world!

sounds really grim

Yet again I find myself wishing for a rolling eyes icon.

Your DH doing that in front of ss was not on - you should be able to say something at times like these.

What did you do? Did you leave DH to finish / serve up dinner?

Oh Petal id have flipped out either that or said... 'ok you lot dish up then' and plonked myself in a dining room chair

I know what you mean about the rota, in our case though if the rota wasnt in place exW would try it on so much more than she already does.

Yep, the rota rules!!

I think you did well not shove that turkey where the sun don't shine, personally.

We (DH and myself) had Xmas itself to ourselves, cause we "had" them (his 3, aged 16, 20 and 22, and my son aged 10) last year. So they were with our former partners respectively.

However, we did have them at new year and whilst one of them is delightful and I always look forward to seeing her, the other one is sulky and rude. She ignores me, occasionally ignores her dad, makes us feel we've done something awful, looks down her nose at me and gives minimal eye contact. Then, my DH pussyfoots around her so as not to upset her! Christ, it pisses me off. Up to now, I've tried (genuinely) but the more time that goes on I just think she is utterly sour faced and frankly, I'm sick of looking at her. If she were mine, I'd be saying "what exactly IS the problem?"

God, I'm glad she's not mine.

Hi Petal - not sure what to say really but wanted to respond as you have been very supportive to my step parenting woes in the past.

I know you have some problems with your DSS and your DH's attitude towards him and the issue about in flexiblity around access weekends is complicated, but surely your DH can see that your DSS sitting in the middle of the kitchen while you prepare Christmas lunch is unreasonable behaviour? I would tell my nephews/friends children to move, let alone my own children.......

I agree with the rota ruling thing i'm afriad to say... If things are planned months in advance (weddings/weekeds away etc) and then the rota gets muddled because one side of the parents want to go away on the weekend they should spend with the kids it cuses problems for everyone... and it should be about the children having a consistant routine rather than fittng around the parents needs and wants..

But that aside - you poor thing wih this hideous beast of a SS! I'm not suprised you are pleased to be shot of him for a couple of weeks!
Is his beatliness a product of his upbringing though..?

For a 16 year old he sounds horrendous. How has he been allowed to 'grow up' to be so childish and horrid??

'beastliness'

to wendiouse22 if she WAS yours, she wouldn't be that way!

blindassasin.....not following you.

Actually, if I'd behaved the way she does, my mum would have said exactly that. At her age I was expected to show curtesy to others. She is rude, and I was recently stopped in Sainsbury's by a lady who employs her in her cafe. She asked me...." how on earth do you live with her? She can be terribly nasty about the other girls she works with and looks at ME like I'm beneath her?"

I am not the only one who feels this way about her.

Blindassasin, I can understand why the rota ruling would work with younger children, but when the 'child' in question is nearly 17, it all starts to feel a bit odd.

My stepson isn't beastly, however my husband treats him like he's 8, and therefore he behaves as though he's 8 when he's with us.

If he were my bio child, he would simply have been told that he was in the way, obstructing xmas lunch, and that he should move ASAP. That's exactly what my Mum would have done.

PS - I meant to ask that whilst I can appreciate a small child may need the security of a consistent routine, surely a nearly-17-yr-old should be robust enough to cope with minor changes of routine?

Of course the rota should be changed at christmas time and birthdays etc... but i mean generally speaking it shouldnt be moved around because of things parents want to do.. But that role does apply both ways so I can understand it would be annoying if the RP insisted on it and it was bended by the non rp or visa versa.

About the 17 year old thing, I personally cant understand why there is even a rota in existence for a 17 year old! No wonder he's behaving like a child.

I get the impression there's a huge back story I'm not aware of here but can I ask why your husband behaves this way, it doesnt seem like youre being respected much..

wendyhouse22 you said "thank goodness she's not mine' I was saying if she was yours she wouldnt be that way. Meaning from what you have writen you seem like a decent person who would have done better job at bringing a daughter up.

Oh I know. I'm an RP (for my dd) and NRP (for dsd, although we have her 4 days out of 7... that's another tale) I always stick to the rota both ways and if there is something happening tht dp and I simply have to attend, we get a babysitter.. and yes DSDs mother slates us for it.
But if ever she fancies going out (often just for a drink with friends) she asks us to switch weekends. We always refuse because there are things we have planned in advance (deliberately on weekends we don't have the cildren) that we wouldnt be able to go to or would have to find babysitters for thus missing out on time we should have with the children.. Thats why I think routine is best.

Where my DD is concerned, I wont bend for her dad either. He just gets a babysitter in every weekend she's there so he doesnt miss a saturday out...

It's all fun and games

oh but our girls are young, i anticipate the rota going out of the window altogether when their about 15 ish because of their own social arrangements

MJ every time I hear about your poor DBD I just think its such a shame that her Mum - the person who should always have her best interests at heart - should make it so difficult for her. It makes me so very grateful that DBDs mum hasn't caused problems with access like that.

Hopefully by the time the rota comes to its end, she will be strong enough to say to her Mum that she wants to come and see her dad anyway, but who knows.

MJ, that's such a sad situation.

Blindassassin - I never thought we'd still have a rota when SS got to this age. But (I'll try and keep this brief) he has no social life, no interests outside of school, no sport etc, therefore there's never been anything to 'break the pattern.' He's very clingy towards his father, not to mention that his every whim is indulged when he's with us, so there's still a huge incentive to carry on with the schedule. The ex wife doesn't have much involvement in the rota these days, so I can't really blame her. So basically we're stuck with exactly the same rota that was put in place when SS was 10. His life doesn't seem to have changed at all. He appears to have no mind or will of his own, and is content to be shuttled between houses as per the schedule. As he doesn't go out or socialise, the access weekends (Thurs-Sun alternate weekends) are quite intense, and (in my opinion) unhealthy. I long for a more relaxed, "pop in and out" approach, and perhaps where every visit didn't necessitate an overnight stay. At present, it's either all or nothing. I've no idea who actually benefits from this.

Part of me thinks SS actually hides behind the rota, as a way of avoiding participating in 'life outside school.' We've already discussed Saturday jobs, but SS decided he wasn't keen because it might not fit in with the rota, and husband wouldn't challenge him on this. So god help us when it's time to go to Uni - cos I doubt that would fit in with the rota either. I should point out that when my husband was SS's age, he'd just joined the armed forces, so it's not like the whole family is so apathetic.

Blindassassin.....ah! am with you.

Yes, would like to think so. My son is (and I quote his teachers here) "such a well mannered and polite boy" at the moment. Hope it stays that way when the teenage years kick in.

Strangely, her sister is kind, thoughtful and just a pleasure to have around so, I'm guessing it's just her basic personality.

Petal - That whole xbox situation sounds ridiculous. I personally cannot bear to have people even mulling around the kitchen when I'm cooking, let alone sat in the middle of it playing computer games. Your DH really does have blinkers on if he doesn't see how silly it is.

fwiw - after spending every other weekend furious over the xbox taking over the lounge for the past 2 years, not to mention DSSs lounging on the sofas playing it while I hid in my bedroom - I have finally negotiated the xbox being located in their bedroom. I must admit last weekend was blissful, they spent a lot of time in the bedroom for a change!

The rota thing - well you know my thoughts on it. It is utterly insane at that age. I agree with you that your DSS hides behind it. My eldest DSS does this too. He has no will whatsoever to grow a mind of his own or think for himself, because it's nice & cosy to have people make decisions for you instead. Anyone not famiiar with this situation has no idea whatsoever how frustrating it is to have someone so apathetic taking over your life every other week. My eldest DSS has no opinions about anything whatsoever. eg. DH to DSS1 after a nice family day out before xmas "Did you have a nice time?" - DSS1 "It was ok"

DH to DSS1 on his xmas present "Do you like the present?" - DSS1 "It's OK".

DH to DSS1 "I was in hospital last week" - DSS1 "ok"

Anyone to DSS1 about anything "What do you think about such and such?" - DSS1 "OK"

Aaarggh. And this is NOT his age (15). He's been like this since I've known him (when he was 6)