Help

[onlyone]

My 2 DCs are getting a step mum .( Ex not married her but they will be living together - so as good as)

Not somthing I ever wanted for my DCs and I hate the whole thing. Not helped that step mum , was a good family friend before she and ex started their affair.

Initially, I tried to be mature about everything and asked for us to meet and talk about DCs, hers and mine and how things were going to work. She refused everytime, I will speak to you when everything is resolved ( not sure what that meant) DCs are all under 5 yrs.

Over the past eight months, posionous things have happened, nasty little texts, phone calls, bad mouthing me to mutual friends and now to DCs. eg, they went to her place the other week and eldest came home and said, when we go and live with xxx, it will be better for everyone Mummy, but you can not come, because you are a bitch ( DC is 3.5yrs)

So step mums out there- how do I deal with this person. I remain polite because the only people to suffer will be DCs but am so stressed when they are with her, it is making me ill.

Advice appreciated?

Oh wow, that sounds SO bad - what a terrible thing to say in front of your DCs. Have to say as an SM, I am always very careful what I say about the BM - even when it has felt really hard. If you are on good terms with your ex, could you tell him what your DC has said? Without saying anything more, which might inflame the situation. I would also say to the DC that that is not a nice word to use and we have to speak kindly about people (am sure you did that). And that of course they will live with you, because DC may well have some anxiety about that now.

Really hard situation because you cannot control what happens in their other home. The only half-helpful thing that I can say is that you sound like a great BM and the calmer you stay, the better (as you already know). Your DCs will learn from your behaviour and they will make their own minds up in time about their parents and SM. They will not appreciate their SM being horrible about their BM, that is for sure.

Is there anything left of a better nature of your Ex's that you can appeal to? He might be in the best place to deal with this - assuming all the nastiness is coming from her rather than him. Does he know about the texts and calls?

Failing a better nature, you can tell your Ex that you will not tolerate your DCs being told you're a bitch and that you will have to consider re-thinking access arrangements if it continues.

Hi Onlyone-

This look like a tough and unfortunate situation- I'm sorry about the affair and losing your DH and friend through that.

I'm not sure I understand why you say you ''never'' wanted a stepmum for your children unless you are referring to your ex-friend.

I don't have experience about being the OW -DH's ex left him for OM 2 years before we got together. I have been in my DBDs life for the past 5 and half years so I have had my ups and downs.

Good on you for being the bigger person and trying to get on with things and what a shame that SM doesn't want to - About the poisonous and nasty texts- are these coming from her or your ex ? Also what are the residence arrangements ? Is there disagreement about the residency of the children?

We once were in a 'toxic' situation with DH's Ex and her partner being nasty and constantly badmouthing both of us in front of the girls which resulted into quite a horrible situation (girls not wanting to go back there at all ) - DH and I decided that the only way to sort it was to go into mediation- we had to clear the air and start from scratch because all those lies and accusations was poisoing the children's lives. We were lucky it did work for us- The Mediators can assess if there is a cahnce that it will work and can help you put a Parenting Plan together- It does sound very business liek but it's a good way of approaching the parenting of all children in removing the emotional part of it for adults concerned- Perhaps you can consider that avenue with your Ex.

Parents and adults involved need to avoid talking about the other parent in a bad way, it is detrimental to the little ones and is telling them - Half of you I hate and is rubbish etc...I have seen the damage done and it is very sad.

I would try to approach your Ex and calmly talk about your worries and mention that you really want to make this work- for the sake of the children, who after all, didn't ask to be put in that situation.

I don't know much about the state of your relationship with your Ex so it is hard to advise but I hope this helps.

It sounds the sort of situation that you wouldn't wish on anyone. I think that all you can do is stay very calm and don't get drawn in, your children aren't silly and they will work it all out for themselves.
Good luck.

thanks for the advice.

Ex and I are getting on fine but he refuses to hear a bad thing said about new partner. She can do no wrong in his eyes - so he assumes DCs are just telling lies.

I want to scream and shout and punch her lights out and have done since I found out. However, I realise this has no benefit and will only give her the high ground.

I am the injured party and the feeling of being at her control and whim is so demoralising.

Pegs' advice sounds really great to me. Onlyone, the injured-party stuff is unhelpful. Relationships do break up and you have to move on, even though that is difficult. You definitely need to keep your own feelings about the breakup out of it - however difficult that is.

You need to meet your ex on neutral ground and agree some ground rules. Tell him that it will damage "our" children as in you and him. x

I'm going to come clean after many months on this site - I was, unfortunately, the OW in the break-up of my DP's marriage. I regret it massively, but I am entirely committed to my relationship and try my v v v hardest to be the best StepMum to my 2 DSC that I can be. I certainly NEVER say anything negative about their Mum in front of them - in fact I don't really say anything negative about her at all.

I think I understand your point about never wanting a StepMum on the scene - who would? - you go into any relationship hoping it'll last and what's happened to end your marriage is horrible. But - it happens. Your situation, and mine, are evidence of that - and millions of other women around the world are wearing one of our pairs of shoes.

You, and my DP's Ex, are examples of women who are trying to retain an adult perspective on the whole thing - whatever desperate hurt you are feeling, and I am full of admiration for that.

Your DP's Ex should NOT be saying negative things about you to the children. I can't imagine a situation where it can be justified - particularly given their v young ages. Whatever the difficulties between the adults - children of 3.5yrs should NOT be in the firing line.

There are plenty of threads on this site which describe the difficulties of being a StepMum - and perhaps by reading through some of those you can gain a perspective of what her challenges may be. Added to which she'll probably be carrying the guilt of being a factor in your marriage break-up, and if she was a friend of yours, some added guilt for doing the the unspeakable to a friend and regret about losing you as a result. It's a messy messy situation and she'll likely be feeling complex emotions.

Nevertheless - I do truly believe that she shouldn't ever badmouth you to the children. If she disagrees with things that you have done or said there are ways of addressing them, but NEVER through the children.

A friend of mine was divorced for many years before her ExH met his current partner - and for whatever reason the relationship between the two women has always been toxic. My friend doesn't want the man any more so she's not fighting over him - but there are always these little digs that go back and forth via the daughter - and it's such a shame. These are intelligent and mature women who are probably sensible in every other area of their lives - but the emotional issues bubble over on an almost monthly basis and there's tension. I don't pretend to understand it - but your situation is clearly not uncommon.

I'm not sure how much help my post may be - I suppose I can't offer any practical advice really as I wear the other pair of shoes (although my DP's ExW was not a friend of mine). But - I think I've made my point that (despite being the OW) I firmly believe in respecting the ExW and that the children should not hear or see anything negative.

As a separate issue - thank you for posting something reasonable. There's often so much vitriol fired at the OW. Some of it entirely deserved. But affairs happen - and despite the horror of this all happening with a friend your post suggests that you have retained your strength and dignity. I take my hat of to you and wish you all good things for 2011.

I meant to say:

Your DP's partner should NOT be saying negative things about you to the children

sorry

im sorry this woman has been so vile to you and your children.

Not all step-mums are like her.

She sounds nasty.

Keep all text she sends you , and go see a lawyer . Get lawyer to send letter saying that her behaviour is detremental to the childrens well being , and is causeing them distress .(how fucking dare she tell them , theyre going to live with her and your a bitch).
Any more of her nasty inaproprate behaviour will result in supervised access for the childrens father only.

.im for you.
How are your children ? i hope they re not too upset. (of course you will have reasured them) poor wee loves.

Children are as always surprisingly resilient, although the older one is quite clingy for me some times.

Mac - your post was interesting and thank you. However, I do not give a damn about her feelings or how she may or may not be struggling with the situation, her guilt etc. This is not the first time she ahs destroyed a relationship but the first time with children involved. I know how she pseaks about the ex wifes from before, never liked it then so am well aware of what she will be saying about me to all and sundry.

My Ex did what he did but I do have to get on him with him for the sake of DCs and we do maintain a very good relationship as long as we avoid certain topics. However, being called a liar by both of them after all their subterfuge is beyond the pale.

I suppose for the first time in my life, I can not take control of a situation affecting me. She has control and I am at her mercy, access, monies, DCs health and welfare, relationship with Ex etc. I plan something then she wants to do something with DCs and their Dad and I am being unreasonable and denying him access etcetc.

to stand by smile and not retaliate is extremely hard.

Hi Onlyone -

Their behaviour is appalling and you don't have to stand there being accused of anything while you are genuinely trying to get on with the new parenting situation.

This is a negative situation for the children and you shouldn't stand by and smile- You can ignore her immature behaviour but not what she exposes the children to.

Going back to my own experience of this - it was only until DH ex's agreed that we should not discuss anything but the children with that we could really move forward- it's counter productive to point fingers at each other while all we should be doing is ensuring the children's happiness.

Your Ex and his new partner are obviously sucked in this nasty pattern of ''us & them''- ( clearly avoiding addressing their own guilt ) and trying to justify their own behaviour by demonising you and that is not on.

She is shooting herself in the foot - Children don't like people who say bad things about any of their parents. I avoided that pitfall and developed a meaningful relationship with my DBDs and sadly, their mum's partner has had to start from scratch after years of badmouthing DH and the girls simply never bonded with him until he admitted he was wrong and should stop.

pegsonDETOX - ROFL at your New Year name. You are right it is really an us and them mentality that so called adults get entrenched in. I have seen this in family situations ( and tbh the hairs on back of my neck stand up when anyone says anything good about my adult s/son or his mother ). Sometimes and with some people once they decide a person or people are the 'enemy' they just have to turn everyone else against them too.

It is petty and when I find myself negatively critical of DHs exw or his son to a party who dont have a problem with them I do always stop myself and try not to get in that habit. But I can see it would be very easy to sink into. But we have to especially with children - let people make up their own minds about others providing of course we are not keeping something to ourselves that might put them at risk in doing so. I had awful trouble with my ex m-i-l but I never ever said anything negative about her to my children as she was their nan at the end of the day and I never discouraged them or prevented them from seeing her. Neither of them bother with her now as she had a real nasty go at them both about their dad - her son - and I never actually discouraged them from seeing him either - they made up their own minds!

Hi,

Awful situation for you and I know of someone who also did something similar which I found shocking.

"She has control and I am at her mercy, access, monies, DCs health and welfare, relationship with Ex etc".

You and your ex have the control on this. It's important you don't feel a victim here. Not sure how long the split happened but I think you need to have agreements in writing so that you have certainity over contact.It can't be at a whim for any party. If the children do come back with comments I really would suggest that you discuss this calmly with your ex - If he heard the feedback from the DCs I'm sure it would shock him. I would suggest being totally calm, if the OW is being spiteful it suggests she is the one who is worrying. Secure people don't lash out like this. Her and your ex have a lot to deal with - the reality of living together, lots of children, limited time off, a stressful situation with finances..I doubt it's all straightforward and her comments are a symptom of this.
I know it's hard to do but always try to rise above these comments - a useful approach is to promise yourself to never react in the heat of the moment, wait til the morning and see how you feel about a response. If the OW is behaving badly your ex will soon see it!

I'm so sorry for what your going through :( if she's done it before she may not be around for long. It's 'women' like her who give us all a bad name!!

My DPs exW is rather vile towards me and I was advised on here to use this reply whenever the child says something... "xx is allowed an opinion it doesn't mean it's always the right opinion" I've used it on DBD and it does work.

I second the keeping texts and logging all calls and what your DCs say, with the log I'd seek advice from the solicitor as it's clearly not in the best interest of the children to be around her.

Only other advice is 'kill her with kindness' keep all contact with ex children related, if/when it goes to mediation or court it's clear that they/her are the problem.

Good luck

No reacting in the heat of the moment!

When I get a text - now much less. I send the full enexpurgatedd version of what I want to say to my best friend - who phones me, we discuss issue and come up with an answer if it is required to one of her veiled questions about the children.

Agree she may not be around for ever, but at the moment it seems forever.