Help - how to deal with DH ex (newbe, but really need help!)

[careerwoman]

Hello,

Am new to this site, but was so relieved when I found it! My DH and I have been married for a year, and he has teenage sons from his previous marriage (they had split before I met).

I was wondering how you all manage not to step into arguments with the ex. DH's ex is constantly digging at him, suggesting he is not paying what he should legally (he does, and more). It often gets personal with emotional blackmail ('How could you do this to your children / the mother of your children?'). But this time she has really stepped over the line. She has made horrid comments about how he treated his dad before he passed away earlier this year (DH is an only child with a huge guilt complex about everything, but did more for his dad than I have ever seen anyone do). I have never stepped in before, even when I know she has upset him, but this time it is really hard not to. But I do know it will make things worse. She knows how to twist the knife, but to bring up his dad is so low. She basically believes the SS should have got 1/3 of the estate each, with DH taking the remaining 1/3.

Incidently, the strangest thing is, she is happily in a relationship with a 2 and a half year old son. I don't understand why she keeps on doing this.

How do you all cope - having read some threads am sure am not the only one...

Desperate.

this is a very hard situation and I can understand how you want to step in and protect/defend your husband from being hurt by this woman. She has indeed stooped as low as one can go, I think. It's very difficult though.
I have been there too (we have been married 8 years now) and I always felt I had to stand up to her (because he would not, and is a quiet and private person). I could not let her have the last word. So whilst I satisfied my need to speak up when she tried to harm or denigrate my husband, in retrospect, I can see now that it made no difference, in fact if anything, it inflamed her to continue being difficult. I think she relished the reaction and I suspect this is the situation with your DH's ex as well.

Whilst it is very very difficult to do, I would step back. If she sees there is no reaction to what what she says, eventually she will stop. It's getting a reaction that spurs on more activity. It's the hardest thing to do but in the long run I hope this approach may work for you, and that you'll see that it is worth it for your own sanity and for the peaceful life that you and your husband can enjoy together.
Your husband;s ex obviously has some unresolved issues and wants to take it out on someone. If you can rise above it and ignore her she'll find someone else to have a go at. Nothing you can say or do to her is likely to get her to stop her chosing your husband as her current target.
good luck and stay resilient! You will find plenty of friendly support on here (mostly!). welcome!

I agree with Ladydeedy. I think you should stay well out of it. As any intervention from you will only fan the flames.

My husband's ex is now re-married with two small children. She used to be as difficult and as spiteful as possible, and I found it hard to hold back, but I know it would just have made things worse if I'd got involved. These days, we hear very little from her, but she's very unco-operative and will never drop off or collect SS on access days/weekends.

No matter what happens, if you stay out of it, you'll always have your dignity and and moral high-ground

Lady and Petal speak a lot of sense.

My mantra nowadays is : Detach. Detach. Detach.

Concentrate on your home life and just be there to listen to DH when he needs a rant.

It is very hard. I echo what the others said. We keep contact down to a minimum. Always stay civil. Put important things in writing so there is a record. It does get easier as the kids get older. Sometimes I think DP's ex regrets her behaviour as it drove a real wedge between the two families but it was the only way of coping with her.

My DP's ex used to be very similar to this but after 5 years of it she just gave up, I believe partly because dp and I both completely ignored it. I know it's difficult but I do agree with the others. Keep out!

Incidently, how is she delivering theses insults? Is it in person or text/ phone/ email etc.? After dp's policy to completely ignore or if he did reply it was several hours later, with something along the lines of 'you are entitled to your opinion but this isn't helpful in maintaining a good relationship for the sake of the dc's' it more or less stopped.

I really hope you both manage to not let it get to you. I think that very often any kind of response to this kind of abuse will just fuel the fire. I think my dp's ex was doing it purely to get a reaction.

I completely agree with all that's been said. My current 'ex' is generally fine and I'm one of the lucky ones. But in a previous relationship we had all sorts of shit thrown our way. Eventually it did calm down and then pretty much stop - but you just have to detach and not get involved - don't react - all that's been said already really!

Hello

I just wanted to write with a sort of cyber hug. I'm new to this forum - and new to being a step parent - and dp has an awful ex who is vile to him. I know how you feel.

In my short experience I've learnt he needs me to be kind and supportive. Of course I make comments at times on what she's done, but mostly I just listen to him then be kind to him. Which makes him feel loved, and that our home is a haven, totally removed from her and her poison - and makes him feel stronger when it comes to defending himself. I think if I defended him myself it would probably serve to emasculate him a bit. Esp as thats what she did to him all the time - always making him feel small and useless. I personally feel he needs me to trust him to defend himself. He's getting better at it, slowly!

Good luck