DB & SIL splitting up over kids

[GraceAwayInAManger]

I can't really explain why this is bothering me so much. I'm just hoping from some viewpoints, really, from those of you with experience, to help me get a handle on it.

My brother remarried soon after W#1 died - too soon, perhaps, though she'd been ill for a very long time. DB and W#2 each had several teenagers (trying not to make this too easy to identify, so I hope you'll forgive woolly details!) My brother's kids, still reeling from their mum's death, were quite unpleasant to my new SIL. She expected that, and worked hard to build good relationships with them, but the family never gelled together. There is a constant power struggle between DB's kids and her. My bro treats his own DCs more favourably than hers - he'd deny that, but he does. Worse, he takes his DCs' side against his wife.

He's now told her he doesn't see their marriage (7 years) lasting due to these conflicts. I'm not saying I think SIL is perfect - she strikes me as a bit neurotic, but who wouldn't be under these circumstances?! I can't help feeling he's making mistakes all over the place.

I don't actually have any influence over this - I've hardly seen them for the past five years - but I will have to deal with the fallout at some point, and am in touch with SIL by email. I don't know what to say or even what to think!

It's a stepmother's nightmare. Have any of you successfully navigated this kind of thing? Maybe there's an old thread you could point me to :)

Oh god, it's a really difficult one. I'm afraid I really can't be a lot of help as my step family situation is quite a lot less complicated. What I have worked out though is that in a situation where either party already has dc's the relationship has to be very strong ad there's always going to be stress of one kind or another.

I really hope your brother and sil manage to work through it.

(just a long winded bump really!?

That was a lovely bump, thank you :)

I do feel a bit of a charlatan asking for advice, as it's not my marriage or DCs. It's upsetting me though - if DB were to ask for my input, I'd like to be able to offer more than "well, you've been a prat imo"! I can see where he's coming from: the kids coped brilliantly with their mother's illness & death but that was always going to have consequences - and it has. I understand why he indulges them. On the other hand, SIL and her DCs haven't exactly had an easy ride either. He's a hard man to please, and I do feel she was a pretty good pick for him. It's just such a crying shame they can't ... what? Balance their priorities, I guess :(

Firstly, your SIL started in a very difficult situation. When you are divorced and have kids with your ex you have constant reminders of why you're not together anymore!But when your partner has died there's a real tendency to view that person with rose-tinted specs and feel that everything they did was good. After all - you didn't choose to split up with them. That makes it much harder for a new partner - especially when there are children who also (rightly) remember only good about their mother.

Being a SM is hard in any circumstances and the conflicts they are having are not just common but seemingly inevitable. You only have to spend half an hour on this forum to see that.

He at least recognises that they have a problem but seems to have a very negative view of how that will develop. In his shoes I would try everything to make it work as the children involved have already been through a lot and both partners owe it to them as well as each other to do their best to work through it.

If they still love each other and want to stay together can you suggest they have family counselling and really try to make it work. I think most of us on here recognise that step families are never easy and that you will never make it all perfect but if you can make it so everyone can live with it then that's good enough. After all the children will all leave home (although I know Suda has lost hope of that!)and they will have a life together after that.

Thanks - I agree that he'd do better to look a few years ahead. In a couple of years, all the kids will be at uni or graduated. Although the tensions amongst their DCs might simmer away for ages, the daily battles will no longer be an issue and, in due course, the kids will get families of their own and everything will shift focus.

Afaik, they've been to family counselling once, on account of the children's issues. Unfortunately the guy they saw seems to have been a plonker! SIL is a mental health professional; I've noticed DB developing more self-awareness as a result of their conversations, but suspect he remains very suspicious of counselling. We had an unpleasant childhood; it's fairly likely that he's got ishoos areound relationships anyway, but I'm not sure he'd be prepared to query himself that deeply ...

... Have decided to send SIL a link to this thread! Can't do any harm (I hope).

You know, in general I feel it's pointless trying to 'change' a partner when life is so much better without the stress of a malfunctioning relationship. In this case, though, like so many others on this topic, it's hard to see how much of the stress originates within the partners themselves - and how much is due to issues within the DCs. Young people change so quickly, it'd be a pity to make permanent decisions based on their present circumstances.

Ladies, I passed your feedback on to both DB and SIL but everything looks very wobbly :( SIL acting erratically; DB seems resigned to a split. Kids seem pretty keen on it too ...

It's such a damn pity! If I had anything to offer another woman in this kind of situation, it would have to be something like Be a parent! You're taking on so many unanswered issues, it'd be a miracle if your own ego got a look-in for the first couple of years.

But then, if you formed a relationship based on parenting, how long is that likely to last after DCs have grown up?