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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex`s new partner

45 replies

becsta · 27/11/2010 16:53

Hi just wondered if any had any (constructive!!!!)advice on if I have any rights about requesting to meet my ex`s new partner, they have apparently been in a relationship for six months and have been engaged for three. I requested to meet her a month ago, (and only found out by fluke she existed via FB)and was told I could but noww suddenly I mention it again and im being unreasonable. I have not stopped him seeing our 2 year old but have said that this weekend I dont want him to take him anywhere if I cant meet her. I have also had a convo recently about him calling our son as he keeps asking why Daddy doesnt call he said he would and I have had no calls for 2 weeks!

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 27/11/2010 16:56

Nope. No rights to either meet her, or block access. Sorry but This is his child also.

mjinsparklystockings · 27/11/2010 17:01

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Mummynumber2 · 27/11/2010 17:02

I don't think you actually have any legal rights to meet her I'm afraid. My advice would be to arrange that they both come in for a cup of tea the next time your ex picks up your ds, try to keep it friendly and informal.

Although I can really understand that you want to meet her I'm not sure stopping your ex seeing your ds would be the right thing for anyone if she refuses.

Good luck, I you manage to sort it out.

StuffingGoldBrass · 27/11/2010 17:05

Sorry but you have no rights at all to stop your DS meeting the woman, or to meet her yourself if she doesn't want to meet you. Unless you have genuine grounds to suspect that she is a person who shouldn't be allowed near your DS (eg she is a serious drug user or alcoholic, or known to be violent or fill the house with violent drunks) you just have to take a deep breath and suck it up.

Original poster
becsta · 27/11/2010 17:11

Thanks for everyones advice just to clarify I havent stopped him seeing him!
I have requested to meet her because I know nothing about her and she has been hidden from me the whole time!
As far as contact between visits since he left has didnt see him for 4 months his choice entirely nothing to do with me. then he requested to see him every other sun 10-4 and that has been it and his has been since he was born (he left when I was pregnant) he has never attempted to call or see how he is or even speak to him (yes you could have a fall blown convo with him!)

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 27/11/2010 17:40

You said in first post 'you don't want him taking him anywhere if you can't meet her'???

What does that mean then?

Original poster
becsta · 27/11/2010 17:54

I just meant im not happy with the new lady in his life being round our son if I cant be told anything about her or meet her! I have no idea who she is therefore have no idea if there is any risk involved to my son.

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 27/11/2010 18:11

Maybe it's not clear as it's text on a screen but it does look like you are saying he cannot have his child, as normal for contact, because you can not meet his new partner.

Unfortunately you have no say in who he introduces to your and his child while in his care (unless you have concerns for the child's sake). Just because you haven't met a new partner isn't really just cause. You have to trust he would not have someone around his child that would cause harm (unless you have evidence otherwise). If you met her and didn't like her for whatever reason, you still couldn't stop him having her around his child. She might not feel up to meeting you. It can be a very awkward situation.

Some people just don't think it's necessary. My husband has never been introduced to his daughter's mother's partner. She doesn't think it necessary and he has no legal right to meet him. Sorry it's not what you were hoping to hear.

GypsyMoth · 27/11/2010 18:14

the contact should still go ahead....you really wont be meeting every adult in your childs life

what if they marry? she will have a whole new family,

Beamur · 27/11/2010 18:17

I met my DP kids before meeting his ex. But she did trust his judgement (and rightly so).
I can really sympathise though, it must feel very strange knowing your child is having contact with someone you don't know.

prettyfly1 · 27/11/2010 20:07

I agree with the others in that you dont have the right to dictate who and how your partner handles his life with his new child HOWEVER as a previous single mum, I must say I do understand your concern about meeting her. That said if you just dont like her, what do you intend to do about it? This woman could be someone very important to your son and if you are no part of that it will be both scary and intimidating, and it is ok for you to feel like that and to ask if your partner would mind considering allowing you to get to know her and get used to her involvement in your childs life, however you do not have the right to use your child as a bartering tool to get that. You are right and your request is fair but your proposed methods will get their backs up and start a pattern you do not want to expose your child too.

HTH.

ballstoit · 27/11/2010 20:23

TBH I think you are being pretty unreasonable. Why should he have to tell you if he's seeing someone new? A polite request to meet her is reasonable but threatening to stop contact is not. If your ex has parental responsibility (which he will have if he's on your DS's birth certificate) and there is no court order in place then his father has equal rights to see your DS that you do.He also has the same rights to introduce a new partner, friends and family that you do. Have you dated since your DS was born? Did you keep your ex up to date with who you were seeing and when?

As far as the calling him goes, if that's never been what happens, I wonder what is prompting your DS to expect phone calls now. If your ex is making promises and not keeping them, then I can see that would be upsetting. However, if you are prompting him to ask about it that seems unfair to both your DS and your ex.

christmasheave · 27/11/2010 20:34

I can understand where you are coming from because your son is young and doesn't have much contact with his dad, so it must be very unsettling for you to know that he is going to introduce another woman into his life, especially when you don't know them.

However you can't make her meet you if she doesn't want to - in the same way that you don't need to introduce any new boyfriends to your ex before they meet your son.

You can invite them in for a cup of tea and ask in a friendly way to meet, but if they say no, theres not much you can do.

Take a deep breath and have faith that your ex wouldn't introduce anyone to your DS if he thought they would not treat them well.

freedom2010 · 28/11/2010 10:04

I dont understand why you think you have a right to vet his new partner before they are allowed to take your son out on your say so?

pleasechange · 28/11/2010 21:41

I think there has been some really sensible advice on her to you already so I won't repeat the same points. BUT can I just ask - is your 2 year old really very extremely advanced for his age? From my experience of 2 yo's I really can't imagine a child that age asking why anybody hasn't called, or in any case having much of a conversation on the phone. Are you 100% sure you're not projecting your thought on your DS's behalf?

Ceefax71 · 28/01/2011 13:29

My Ex wife has had her lawyer write me a letter telling me I'm not allowed to introduce my children to my girlfriend of 8 months and that I'm only allowed to take them to my house near there mother and not my flat near my girlfriend even thou my flat and the area it is in has more to offer to the children.

The letter says:

There are concerns that you have in the past introduced the children to your new partner with inappropriate haste.

With that in mind, we ask that for the moment you do not introduce C... and B... to your current partner without full discussion with our client and her approval.

It does seem appropriate that your contact with the girls should take place in the area bearing in mind that you have an interest in the property in S.... We therefore ask you to ensure that, for the time being at any rate, your contact with C... and B... takes place in this area and not in E.. A...

My girlfriend is a wonderful woman with a back ground in child therapy and development. I have offered to introduce the girls with there mother present, or to just take them out to dinner in the evening and not over night as a way of introduction and have been refused each and every time, it has got to a point that my eldest feels awkward talking to me if she knows my girlfriend is there. This situation has been blown out of all proportion and is causing un-necessary stress for all concerned.

From what I have read here, my Ex has no right to do this. I don't want to go behind my Ex's back and I have been up front about my intentions, but it seems I'm left with no other way forward! Any advice?

I just heard that by law she can stop me from introducing anyone for a year?

theredhen · 28/01/2011 13:40

ceefax, what you have is a solicitors letter, it's not a court order. Whilst your ex may make life difficult for you, without going to court, there is not much she can do about it.

Only you can decide if it's worth the fight though.

Ceefax71 · 28/01/2011 14:21

Thanks theredhen, I just want to move on, for my children to see that I'm happy and that the person who I have chosen to be is not a bad person.

I believe it is in the best interests of the girls that this situation is resolved as soon as poss.

SMummyS · 28/01/2011 15:09

Ceefax, I would write back to her solicitor saying that while you appreciate your ex's feelings on this matter, you are in a solid relationship with X now and you will introdue your children when you feel the time is right. Also say that as before the offer is still there for your ex to meet your partner prior to your children meeting her.

Nell799 · 28/01/2011 15:18

The request may seem unreasonable to the other parties, and may come across as if wish to screen her. If you really want to meet your exes new partner, and you want it to be a positive experience, why not make a gesture of some sort first? Demonstrate that there is no malice behind your intentions (which Im sure there isnt, but she may not know that). Have the child draw a picture while with you for her?

Or wait for an event? A birthday party? An Easter egg hunt? Pancake party? And invite them?

If you want something, be willing to give something.

I have only ever spoken about 6 sentances to my stepchildrens mum, in 5.5 years. Things tend to run smoothly for us. If she wanted to me meet, then I would go along with it. My DH attempted a meeting about 3 years ago, he introduced us, and she looked at me, then carried on talking to my DH. I didnt take it personally, I think perhapes she was uncomfatable. You may get a reponse like that, but dont take it personally.

houseproject · 28/01/2011 15:44

Ceefax71,

Might be worth starting a new thread on your specific situation but as you can see from earlier replies there is no 'right' in law to withold meeting a new partner. There is also no timeline to any introduction - hopefully just a commonsense approach.
I would suggest you do reply to the solictors letter - perhaps suggesting mediation as a way to agree how each of you (you and your ex) introduce new partners. It should be a 2 way street. The ex can't demand you don't introduce your new partner but she can make life difficult for you. The letter refers to earlier introdcutions - I would address this point in any reply as it implies you make a habit of this.

strandedpolarbear · 28/01/2011 16:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mjovertherainbow · 28/01/2011 17:06

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prettyfly1 · 28/01/2011 17:21

stranded I totally get your point but if you had a new partner, would you also offer the courtesy back? There has been a real thing recently of women demanding to meet the new partner, which I absolutely get and agree with but refusing point blank to allow the same in return which seems unfair to me.

Greeninkmama · 28/01/2011 17:26

Hi Becsta, Mediation might well be a good way for you and your ex to talk things through. I completely understand how you feel - in my case, my DH asked his ex if it was okay to introduce me (and that was after nine months or so). If she had wanted to meet me first, I would certainly have gone along (though I was pretty glad that she didn't make that request as it was all quite tense at that time). A bit of courtesy makes split-parenting a lot easier.

It must be really hard as the BM having to give up control of your DC - I know that I would hate it. But your ex is an equal parent too, so unfortunately you cannot dictate what he does with your DC or who he introduces him too unless you have real reason to believe there is a risk. So if he doesn't want to introduce his new partner, I don't think there is much you can do about it.

Re the calling, I would take the lead here and get your DS to call his daddy when he mentions him or seems to be missing him. I think it is lovely for a DS to be able to contact his parent when he wants to. IME, 2-year-olds rarely want to talk on the phone when someone calls them.