DBD1 doesn't wanr to go to her mums for christmas.

[Mummynumber2]

A bit of background. DBD1 (14) has lived with us for just under a year and goes to her mums on adverage 1 or 2 nights a week. DBD2 (12) and DBS (9) live with their mum and come to us just under half the time. Their mum's always been very fair about xmas and we take it in turns to have them xmas or new year week.

It's never been an issue for us as we just put xmas on hold until we see them. Their mum doesn't really make much of a big deal of xmas and doesn't always get them presents (weird I know but it's her way of doing things). They all quite often tell us they'd rather spend every year with us but we just tell them that it's only a day and it doesn't matter when we do it.

So, this year it's DP's ex's turn to have them. We're doing xmas on new years day. DP may have to work on xmas day so I was planning to just chill at home, either with him or on my own, we've had invites but I have bad MS so am trying to avoid turkey and all the trimmings as much as possible!

DBD1 pretty much goes to whoevers house she wants to and has said she wants to stay here at xmas. We've explained that there will be no presents/ special meals etc until the whole family is here but she still doesn't want to go to her mums.

My initial reaction is to let her stay but I worry that it could cause even more of a rift between her and her mum and that once DBD2 and DBS work out she's going to be here they'll want to come too. Which I am certain will cause all kinds of problems with their mum, who dp and I have a good, businesslike relationship with at the moment. I don't want her to think we're trying to persuade them to be with us rather than her.

WWYD?

Why oh why don't I ever read before posting?

TBH I would say that for most of the year she gets to choose where she lives but the rule is and always has been that one parent has Christmas and the other has New Year. This year it's not your turn to have Christmas and she needs to stick to the rules.

I think she's old enough to realise/have explained to her that, whilst her mother is very flexible about custody arrangements in general, refusing to go there for Christmas might upset things and you don't want a relationship which could currently be categorised as good turning sour.

I think you all need to stick to the plan- as you say you seem to have a good ''business like'' relationship and I wouldn't jeopardize that.

We operate the same system in regards to Christmas / New years swap and I find it works for everyone.

Also- You have already planned to have a restful day.

going aginst the grain here I think she should be able to make this choice her self at 14.

however SHE must deal with it with her mum, not rely upon you to tell her and make arrangements and ensure exp understands this is something you dont agree with as such.

maybe her and her mum need to iron out some issues or conflict and this may be the push or talking point needed for both of them.

will it upset your own plans if she stays?

also wonder if (not suggesting it would be)a different response if your op was saying dd does not want to spend xmas with her Dad.

Thanks for your replies. I think you're all right, it would be crazy to upset dp's ex at this point.

I just hope dbd sees sense and is wiling to go, we can't make her go if she outright refuses. She brought it up again today and I did my best to disuade her to stay here without actually saying no. Think l'll get dp to have a chat with her tomorrow.

Thanks again, it's good to know that other people think we're doing the right thing.

Sorry posts tomhardy.
No, it wouldn't upset my plans at all as I have none! But it may well be just her and me at home for most of the day. Our real Xmas wi happen when dbd2 and DBS arrive the following week.

You're right, she does have a lot to work out with her mum, it's such a difficult one. I actually think she'll be ok there, it's not like she'll be missing out on anything here.

I would talk with her and find out what her reasons are for not wanting to go and encourage her to see that time spent with mum is important yada yadah. but really get her to try and work things out with mum, at 14 its important for her to realise that it needs to be mutual relationship ie give and take fro her also..sorry as I dont know ins and outs so dont want talk out of terms.

sounds like you want to handle this very sensitivly. also if time with mum is not important to her or is difficult time with her siblings must be considered by her. maybe isnt giving that enough thought.

Have a talk with her and find out what her reasons are.

After long conversation with dbd have very clear reasons as to why she doesn't want to go. I have to say it's actually quite compelling.

In her words....

1-there's no point, mum doesn't bother with Xmas anyway

2- we're going to mums friends and her dd's house. I don't get on with the dd (this 11 yo has been to our house and, I very rarely say this about a child but she is just horrible. We said she couldn't come back again after she hit and swore at a 3 y/o that was also here).

3- mum will get drunk and shout at everyone and will leave me in charge of dbd2 and DBS.

She's now saying she'll spend the morning there and will get the bus home if she's not happy

She probably needs to explain this to her mum. If she is treated as old enough to decide where to go, then she needs to be able to rationalise those decisions (which she clearly can) to the people they affect. If she points out to her mum that Christmas is not that important (obv. a viewpoint she shares) then maybe she will be able to exercise her preference. TBH, I feel for her younger siblings who are going to spend the day with bratty 11 yr old, drunk mum and no big sister!

As an aside, what does the B in DBD stand for? I can't find it in acronyms

B- Bonus

See more about this here

I know getting her to explain this to her mum seems like the best thing to do but in reality that's a very difficult thing for her to do, she is only 14 after all. I know I wouldn't be able to be as honest as that to someone and I'm much older than her!

I feel very sorry for dbd2 and DBS too. but at the end if the day I'm just not sure there's anything dp or i can do about that. It's also quite possible that dbd1 is getting herself worried for no reason and it may be a lovely day for them all (I very much doubt it though).

But as I've said it is only one day, we'll all have our real Xmas the following week.

sounds like a difficult one for you all. but i do think she needs to be able to make that decision at her age and not go if she doesnt want to. sounds like going there in the morning and returning in the afternoon is a fair compromise. however i doubt very much if there will be busses running on xmas day anywhere in the country.

I did wonder about busses tomhardy. I think, although I'm not sure, that around here there is a very limited bus service. The alternative is that I go an collect her, I shudder at what could happen though!

Anyway she's changed her mind this afternoon. She's now saying she's not going to go to her mums ever again!

teenagers arggghh! glad iv got a while to go before dd is that age.

Now 9yo DBS is crying and has been upset all evening because he doesn't want to be at his mums at Xmas.