MIL advice

[southlondongirl]

Hi, I need some advice please.

We're supposed to be spending Christmas with PIL but my MIL has just kindly told me that she doesn't consider my DD to be her DGD (DSGDs don't exist in her world). My DD has been a part of their lives since she was 9 (she's now 24) and considers PIL to be her DSGP. Actually, from the ages of 9 to 18 she spent more time with PIL than with my parents or her birth dad's parents (to whom she is also close). DH has told MIL how sad he is that she feels this way and that he considers DD his own child, but nothing has changed. I can't bear the thought of playing happy families with my DD thinking she is spending Christmas with DSGPs but knowing that they feel no familial affection for her - but - if I stay away I will have to give DD reason and I don't want her to know about this because I think it will break her heart. Clearly only blood relations count with my PIL which will be interesting when I am expected to be the dutiful DIL in a couple of years (they are in their mid-70's). All of this has come as a huge surprise and my PIL have no other GC. I thought we were a loving close-knit family but obviously I've been wrong.

What would you do if you were me?

I'd probably cry to be honest! I can't imagine how that conversation must have gone or how it started. What a bizarre thing to say after all these years.

I don't know what you can do bearing in mind that your DH has already spoken to his mother - it just seems so odd especially as they don't have any other GC. Is it just your MIL or your FIL as well. Would talking to him make any difference?

Sorry - don't really have any answers but didn't want to leave you unanswered!

Hi there ? are you absolutely sure she meant her comments in a negative way? Could she have possibly have meant that while she?s very fond of your daughter, she realises she?s not a blood relative? Did she actually say she doesn?t hold any affection for her? I?m not trying to play down how you?re feeling, but old people don?t always express themselves very well. And blended families are something of a novelty for the older generations.

I doubt very much that my Dad considers my stepson as ?proper family? but I can?t fault the way he treats him. And come to mention it, my Dad?s actually my step Dad (if we?re being technical about it) but even though we?re both aware there?s no shared biology, is has no bearing on our father/daughter relationship.

Can you give us any more details?

Thank you for being so sweet. I probably needed to get it off my chest as much as anything. I can't discuss it with my side of the family without it getting all feud-y! I did cry (but later on - I'm pretty non-confrontational). I don't know if it is my FIL too, my MIL made sure she said it when DH and FIL were watching football! TBH my FIL is pretty oblivious to emotional stuff and probably hasn't got a clue what is going on. I'll probably go at Christmas for my DD sake and then never go there again! When we were first married we did have some comments about providing GC from other members of my husband's family speaking on behalf of PIL but DH can't have children (PIL don't know this). They know we were desperate for more children so what she said was a bit of a double body-blow really.

Thanks for answering me!

Can you DH have a heart to heart with his parents and ask them what exactly this is all about and why they have suddenly just mentioned it?

If they are really adamant in their views perhaps you can host Christmas at your own home and just tell your DD that you decided to have a small, close family only day.

Sounds very strange that they have just brought the subject up.

Well, the context of the conversation was wills. My PIL have written their wills and MIL was asking me how my parents had done theirs. We talked about this and then MIL said writing theirs was easy because they didn't have any GC.
I take your point about the older generation and blended families because when DH spoke to MIL and said that he might be DD step-dad but he considered her his, she was surprised and said she hadn't thought of it like that. However, MIL has two favourite brothers who now have GC and MIL house is full of their pictures but there isn't a single one of DD and never has been. I have mentioned this to DH over the years but...lots of photos have been taken over the years but they've never been put up.
I probably should have said something there and then but it was a shock and I hate confrontations. All I know is that in my family, SGC are welcomed with open arms and no distinction is made, so that no child is made to feel that they are less a part of the family. I suppose I just assumed that DH family felt the same way.

I suppose it depends on how they "treat" your DD. If MIL has said her bit and then treats her exactly the same as she always has done then in actual fact, nothing has changed except you know how she really feels and your feelings towards MIL are probably not going to be overly positive!

@theredhen

You are absolutely right! I'll be the only one hurting...DH will think it's all over and DD won't have a clue that anything has been going on!

When my father died, he left money to his wife, me and my sis, and our BCs. Nothing for his stepchildren or their children and nothing for my DSC.. That seemed quite right to me - he wasn't a very sociable person and his blood family were what counted; his stepkids will benefit once my stepmother goes. If my stepfather did the same, I would be amazed because he does see me as his family.

Your PIL just see things differently from you. In the end, your DH will benefit from his parents' wills and it is up to him to acknowledge your DD. Rather sad for you at this stage, but I agree with mjinhiding that it is not worth the argument.

Hmm. From your first post, it sounded as if your MIL had suddenly decided that she didn't feel 'familial affection' for your DD. Then, it seems its about wills.
I think that would be true if your MIL announced that she didn't want your DD over for Christmas because she wasn't blood family. She clearly hasnt said this at all. What she has inferred, is that she wants any inheritance to go to blood relatives. Whether you agree with this or not, she has not withdrawn any affection from your DD.
While I understand it's not the way you would do things, it seems for your MIL that her affection for your DD and the matter of inheritance are two separate matters. It is you who is (rightly or wrongly) equating them. It's hard if your family do things differently, but I do think when making wills, older people especially tend to be a little old-fashioned about inheritance - and that is their right.

I think saying that you will 'never go there again' is probably not a great thing for any of you, in the long run.
Good luck with it, and hope you feel better about it soon.