I need some perspective

[EatPrayLove]

irst time posting here and feel v apprehensive about it. For a long time my approach tonstep parenting has been to get on with it. There have been many difficulties over the past 7 years, exW is not easy(being v v polite) Each time something has kicked off I've tried to be the peace maker, supporting DH. It has been hard, he has taken quite an emotional pounding.
DSS is mainly a good kid but has issues and we find it increasingly hard to effectively parent how we would like. He was an only for 8 years and has struggled to accept the arrival of his two new siblings. ExW has a v different approach and as he is rhere more it is the resulting behaviours which stick. I find it very frustrating seeing or dealing these behaviours, things I wouldn't accept from my own but have to because it's how he's been moulded. But I mostly 'suck it up' because he is his fathers son and i feel that is more important.
I find it hard to say things which may cast any kind of negativity. I know I would not have the same difficulties if it were my own children... so why? I bend over backwards to do the right thing, at the expense of what I truly think sometimes. And I wonder whether I'm doing anyone any favours.
Having him around can be quite stressful, life is easier when he is not here. I am shocked that I have typed that. Feel, guilty?
And now we are thinking about holidays. We are booked to all go in the summer, I expect there will be weekends when we do things as a five. So am I being unreasonable to want to say that at Easter I'd like us to go away just the four of us? It maybe irrelevant, he is often away with GP at this

I name changed, sorry but need to be very anonymous.

And HUGE post, thankyou if you get to the end!

Hmmm... that's a difficult one isn't it?

I understand how you feel but perhaps it's slightly different for me because DP and I don't have any children together, so he would be horrified if I suggested taking DS on holiday without his kids just as I would be if he suggested leaving DS behind.

However, I know he wouldn't have a problem with me taking DS away for a few days on my own, could that be a compromise for you?

If not, it depends how old your DSS is? If he is a lot older than your own DC, in a few years time, he may not want to come on holiday with boring adults anyway.

DSS is 13, our DC are 4 and 2, so yes a considerable gap. I expect you're right and that in a few years he may not want to come away with us though that does not solve the immediate issue.

DH has suggested we book Easter as a four, and if DSS is available and wants to come we can add him - v. v straightforward to add but more difficult to remove. I've not stated my preference and don't know whether to.

Ok, confession time from me! We haven't taken dbd on our last two holidays. The first one was our honeymoon anyway and we took our dd, and this year was just the 3 of us too.

The year before we took 3 children with us (ds2, dbd and dd), but that was our first holiday for a few years due to being prg/skint.

We've never really discussed it properly, it's just been booked. Although we did discuss the honeymoon as ds2 was living at home then. For me there's a distinct "if we can't do it for ds1, ds2 and dbd then we don't do for either of them" thing going on. Plus I really value our time with me, dh and dd on our own. I know that will get me knocked, but it's true. My ds's have had me on my own and with their dad, dbd has had dh on his own and with her mum, so why shouldn't dd get us on her own too.

I also struggle with not spending as much on my ds's as dbd and dd at Christmas, but dh insists that they get less now they're older.

The one thing about blended families is that it's always a compromise!! Sorry, no real advice there, just telling how we do it. However, I don't think you're in the slightest unreasonable in just wanting a holiday on your own.

Don?t worry about feeling the way you do ? it?s hard to admit sometimes, but many of us find that having stepchildren around is very intrusive, even if the children in question are very well behaved. This forum is often the only place where you can admit such things, but you?re in good company !!!

DH and I have been away without my DSS and we've been away with him. He did not come on our honeymoon! We don't have our own children yet, although I am pregnant, so we'll have a similar age gap when junior arrives. DSS goes away with his Mum so has more holidays than us, does your DSS get that as well? So don't feel bad about it, but it might be worth waiting for a moment when you and your DH can discuss rationally with no distractions. You might want to discuss it again with the three of you, DH and DSS later to see what he thinks - he may prefer not to go if that is an option.

But, fwiw, I think 4 of you at Easter and 5 in the summer is a more than acceptable compromise.

Don't feel bad about not wanting to go on holiday with your stepson, as other posters have said it's entirely accepted on here.

I've been with my husband for five years, and we've only taken DSS (age 16) away with us once. And the one occasion he did come with us, was actually my idea. I don't mind taking him away every now and again, but (and being totally honest here) how many people would want to spend their holidays with someone else's teenage boy hanging round?????

Am going to hide under my desk now, just in case hard objects are hurled in my direction .....

Thanks harassed, petal and bonny, your words were so very reassuring and made me feel so much better.

Have been reflecting on the whole step-parenting thing and what a mamoth task it is, which you have no preperation for. When you become a parent, there are normally lots of avenues of support available, friends, health 'professionals', people generally have somewhere to turn. But you become a Step and no guidance, no one to share with. I can and do talk to DH but not with quite the same frankness that I would if we were both looking from the same POV, though maybe thats because I tend to overthink. So its freeing to find somewhere to vocalise my thoughts and to realise that perhaps they are quite normal and that I am not the evil SM!

Yes DSS goes away with his Mum, and also grandparents so lots of holidays for him. So to not come away with us at Easter, he wouldnt be missing out at all.

No, you're not evil!! Although be very wary of posting your thoughts on the AIBU board, they're not so understanding as us lot!!!

Im not a step parent (or BoM) but if it makes you feel any better I can share the experiences of my children who have aquired two younger step siblings.

They love their dad, but like most boys of similar age to your DSS have absolutely no interest in their younger step siblings or in doing any activities that the little ones want to do. This isnt them being difficult, it is just totally normal for kids of their age. Unfortunately, the desire for everyone to get along is so high in their dads new set up that they end up fed up with being constantly irriatated by the little ones and expected to entertain them and play games that they are not interested in.

Also, in a step family, when things go wrong what would be seen by me as a totally normal sibling scrap, can get blown out of all proportion. The bottom line for them is that they love going to dads but much prefer it when their step siblings are not there.

My ex takes them away skiing without their step siblings who are younger and cant ski and it wouldnt be a problem at all if he took the little ones away without them to do something age appropriate with them too. In fact they might all be happier.

Also, I have a totally different parenting style to his new wife and I'm sure this causes problems. I am far more liberal and take my children climbing, sking and on all sorts of risky adventures. For me its just what you do as I was bought up that way. Even my ex was astounded at watching his boys climb recently. But I'm sure his new partner thinks I am quite bonkers. By contrast my children think hers are babyish for their age as they dont ever do any of the stuff we take for granted.

The message, if there is one, is do what works for your family, set out the ground rules for your house, but try not to make any of the children feel less important than the others. The only time there are issues is if they feel their dad has let them down.