Anyone ever think of jacking it in ?

[Abip]

Or is it a sign to start new? Had enough of DP actually not being able to merge everything in his head. I feel like we are two seperate families under one roof. And when I try to talk about it he looks at me as if i were deranged. No we are not married, but we have been together fo a few years and I class us as step parents to each others children. But he appears draconian in my mind as whenever there is a disagreement its 'I look after your childen' attitude which pisses me off. His son is 18 and yes I have had issues with him. But I feel its all take take take and no give? I do not go out. Am in fulltime ed. And wanted to go to a chocoholics party last night but DP begrugged coming home 20 mins early from pub so I could go! Just wanted to know. Do you get these thoughts of 'I should jack it in, leave with DC's' It doesnt help that I was better off financially living a lone parent and now have the grief of step parenting/ parenting/ merging families/ finance/ and education. I would love to hear what other step parents have to say.

Yes I do quite a lot. My DSD is 18 and her drinking is becoming a problem and I'm afraid of the effects on my own dds.

In your case, it sounds like your DP is quite selfish? He can't come home from the pub early for you to go to an already planned party. That's a bit crap, and "I look after your children" attitude isn't really on either. How long have you been together? Do you have anyDC together? How is your relationship in general? If it's good then I'd say you may just need to iron out some things maybe go to Relate? If it's imbalanced a lot then maybe it is time to jack it in.

He is very selfish and pointed that out. I have posted before about issues such as: still paying same amount into household even though now in fulltime college. DP being a disney dad and letting his DS do as he pleases and not pay anything not work not clean take my stufff go in our room etc...DP's tightness not even buying a bottle of wine when I was skint!!! Just had enough as he says he still wants his social life. I cant earn two evenings a week as he wants to go out. I cant earn on weekends as he goes out all weekend. So tonight i said if i did work weekends he would not be able to and he replies 'I would drop the kids at their dads then' Sedlfish shit. Just wondered if these feelings of mourning my old house and finances is a sign or if we all go through it. Oh and we dont have any DC's as he didnt want anymore. Its all been his decisions in our lives.

Abip, he's not being very fair. It should be a partnership and you seem to be making a lot of the sacrifices.

I am blessed in the fact that DH is a very homely person and doesn't go out much outside of work as most of his friend are in the same field of work.

However, it does seem easy for some men to find 'relief' in a partner/wife and leave all responsibilities/household/childcare to the women. I have had to call up DH quite a few times in the first 3 years of our relationship because I was adamant that I entered my marriage as a partnership, not to do everything for/or instead of him. I understood his relief to have a life partner but not his assumption that I would happy to do everything. He learned the hard way and did change.

''I look after your children'' is a crap line- You are BoP (Bonus Parents) to each other's children and you should not have that thrown in at you in an argument.

I'm unsure if that helps you in any way but this is my experience of that type of situ.

Hi,

I agree with mj, this isn't a step parenting issue but a relationship one. Your OH isn't being respectful and you are not valued.

It's hard to see the wood for the trees when they are so many issues going on but your OH is certainly not helping you. On the information you have provided you don't have a partnership. Would he consider counselling?

I agree with MJinhiding - it's a relationship problem, not a step children, problem. However please don't stop posting here, I'm sure we can offer you support.

MJ's post is indeed quite straight to the point, but (sadly) she's spot on in her analysis of your situation.

You deserve so much better.

Its not bad MJ its reality. He is so selfish. Just cancelled sky as bill was £80. DSS has been ringing mobiles during the day and we have asked him for months not to. So i finally cracked. I am a fulltime student so cant afford it. So he said fine i will take a packagewith virgin. Knowing nothing will ever change i have cancelled sky this morning. and guess what? he is not getting one as he cant afford it ! (He earns £40K) Its all about DP and DSS :(

Unfortunately sky dont do it. Just like they dont do a broadband cut off either. Its just DP cannot see that I seem to be making all the sacrifices. Today he has buggered off to twickenham with his mates. Next week he is out on a stag do. Twickenham is at least £100 for the day yet he cant afford broadband ?!!!! I know your right. I will get christmas out the way for all the childrens sakes and see about moving then. He will prrobably then try and sort things but its too late. It like a circle. I complain lack of life, time together, respect from DSS, wanting to move into a house together and not into his and exes house, and he makes an effort for a few weeks until the next rant. He simply nodded in agreement this morning with no actual opinion or suggestion. Just waited in the armchair for his mates to collect him :( never felt so unloved or unsupported :(

Abip - I don't want to get too psychobabble - but while your partner may have made you feel unloved & unsupported today I'll bet you've got friends/family who love you to bits and who want to support you. Boost yourself with their love and support while you choose how you want your coming months and years to look & feel - with or without the DP you've got now. x

I don't know how you have all done it for so long!! Dp and I(not currently living together but well overdue for it after many many years of start-stop relationship, mainly because of mutual responsibilities etc) have been having "the discussion" for so long, whose house to move into, mine or his and his exes place, or buy someone new together (with all the extra cost that involes) - what's right for his teenage sons (mine have fledged and left the nest long time ago), what's right for me, him, both of us!! DSSs are lovely, we get on fine,, but I suspect maybe only because we don't all live together and I can escape when things get heated (which they do at times over usual teenage stuff). I've been there, done it etc etc and does anyone in their right mind really want to do it all over again, having got their home tidy, clean, bit of money in the bank at last, time to chill out after work, not to mention having a clean, available bathroom and food in the fridge when you get home! Or am I being too OCD? This dilemma will not go away and just keeps causing so many heated debates that we just feel like giving up and staying as we are. I'm sure there would be lots of advantages and good times, but can't seem to make that leap of faith at the moment , and these posts almost convince me it may not be a good move!! Someone please convince me otherwise

Considering where this is posted, I was expecting to see that you were having trouble with your step-DCs which was affecting your relationship. But your grumbles all seem to be about your DP. He sounds like a selfish twunt. Does he have any redeeming features at all?

Had a horrid weekend. DC's dad is getting married today. His partner asked me to go but I felt totally out of place so just did her nails and went to college. DP and I had a big fight and I said after christmas we were leaving. So he said why wait till then go now. So I started packing and he kept throwing the suitcase off the bed and turning off the light so I could not see to pack. He kept saying my bed my house. :( I told DSS that I have cancelled SKY as cant afford it and he was not very happy over having no phone/internet. DP said its the only ddebit he wasnt paying. What a tight fisted sod. I will bide my time then leave after christmas. I told him how unhappy I am and he just bloody nods and says 'okay we will spend more time together'. Absolutely pointless. Think I will stop posting as its doing me no good. Thanks for the advice peeps :(

Abip is there anywhere you can go stay with dc's?? I know you feel you owe it to dc's to wait till after Xmas but they prob are picking up on you been unhappy. You will prob find they have a better Xmas if you've moved out.

Sorry to hear it's so bad now :(

Yes you can feel like a doormat when you have stepchildren - if DH or DP doesnt support you - the stepfamilies on here that work seem to be ones where NP does not automatically side with their child - a la lioness with cub.

But dont ask me how to get this through to these dads - I have long since given up working that one out - so to answer your OP yes I do often feel like giving up.

I was sat here thinking today ( I must stop it ) that DH probably is sick and tired as I am of all the bickering about the same old thing - but then you'd think that would tell him something ? Can honestly say we have not one single other issue in our relationship - just his son. But DH really must think he has to keep defending him against big bad Suda - otherwise why would he do it? Does it honestly never occur to such an intelligent man that if he stopped blindly defending son however badly he's behaving - that his son would stop playing us off - he would have to behave himself reasonably and everyones a winner.

Oh no thats too difficult

mjinhiding - just when I thought I might be able to do this, along comes a post likes yours and I realise that I really should have leard to trust my instincts after being alive for over half a century! It works fine at the moment, he's there, I'm here , maybe abstinence absence really does make the heart grow colder fonder?

I just understand. The children have never been a problem before, and I use to work on a saturday and he looked after them so I could work. But now its a problem. I said to him on tuesday that I do not have the money anymore and that he had a choice. A) i work during the week in the evenings so he would have to sacrifice the gym (Only one night as my mum has them the other) B) i work weekends C) i can give him what maintenance i get plus the child benefit D) we move out. His reaction - I told you college was going to be hard but you would not listen. I am not prepared to look after the children for you !! I dont beleive it. He will not 'look after' the children which he knew I had when we got together so that i can work to give him the money !!!(angry) Done the whole thing - selfish shit, your son does not pay rent at 19, if I were working nights it would be tough shit, you go out on the weekends its only one mid week night. He said I should postpone college! Because he wont give up one night. And to top it off. He manages to save a few hundred quid each month and have drinking money in abundance. Oh i am so gone. He says their my children not his (did say if they were ours he would have to) in this instance i dont feel IABU. He says he finds it difficult to be surrogate to someone elses kids but his exwife did to his first two children??!!
I cannot beleive he saves off the back off me slogging my guts out

Abip,

I'm so sorry. I had an ex who although he never lived with me, did the same thing in that he refused to look after DS so I could work but would stay at mine anyway, quite often at the same time as a babysitter!

He, however, saw nothing wrong in dumping his kids with me while he went out for the afternoon drinking on a Sunday! .

I got out of that relationship and I have no regrets. I think you owe it to your child to put him and yourself first, not this selfish man.

If you're that unhappy get out. I have considered it many a time. I'm sick of my feelings not being considered and effectively feeling like I have to ask permission to do normal things with my boyfriend.

adult fun

But I feel so horrible for saying it!