argh...baby guilt. Long, sorry!

[glitterjo]

I am due to give birth to my first baby in 5 weeks-ish. DP has two lovely kids, DSS (just about to turn 11) and DSD (just about to turn 8). He was co-parenting but we moved further away about a year ago and we now have them every second weekend plus half of holidays.

I am feeling totally plagued with guilt at the moment. DSD and DSS are about to start sharing a room - they have their own rooms at the moment but DSS's room is becoming the baby's room. We are putting a divider in their room so they have some privacy, and its a pretty big room. But DSD has been crying about it a lot saying that she won't have room to dance and play schools and she doesn't understand why the baby needs its own room now as it will be sleeping in our room for the first 6 months (a fair point - but we...well, I...wanted to set up the room before the baby arrived so I felt like it had a space in the house too and we had a quiet place to go and feed/change etc). Anyway we promised her we wouldn't do it till after her birthday but that's this week so we're starting on it now. She is a sensitive little soul and does cry about quite a lot of things but I feel so dreadful when she starts to cry over this. DP has been great about talking it over with her, and she alway does calm down but oh, it makes me feel so awful. I'm so worried about them coming up next time and the room sharing beginning.

DSS, who is a very bright and lovely boy but rather prone to tantrums has been a star about the whole thing, and has barely even mentioned it - he doesn't seem bothered at all. However, baby is due a couple of days before his birthday and although he hasn't actually said much about that, he's been complaining that his birthday doesn't get much attention anyway as its near Christmas and I am terrified the baby will arrive on his birthday.

DP has a lot of December birthdays in his family, and although they are all really lovely, the overwhelming response when we told them when we were due was 'oh no, not another December baby!' and 'poor DSS, its so near his birthday'.

I'm feeling really, really guilty about the whole thing. I'm feeling anxious about PND (my mum suffered badly after having me and never really recovered) and DP thinks that this guilt is putting me at risk. I think he might be right but I can't seem to shake it.

Can someone talk me out of it? Or point me in the direction of someone who can help talk me out of it?
Or just pass me some chocolate, maybe?

OK, you need to STOP feeling guilty NOW.

the baby will arrive when it arrives, everyone will LOVE him/her, and you should just ignore everyone who is complaining that you have the audacity to give birth in December

about your DSD, I must admit, I think you should give her more access to the "spare" room. She can have her bed in the other room, but how about having her toys/stuff in the nursery, so that she has more room to dance/play.

As you say, your baby will be in with you for the first 6 months (or longer, you never know you might end up co-sleeping!) and your DSD will get frustrated knowing that "her" room is basically not being used...

you can use it for quiet nappy changes or whatever, but when your DSD is staying, make sure you include her in the caring of her brother or sister. I bet she will be over the moon to help take care of the new baby.

anyway, you should talk to your GP about how you are feeling so they can keep a watch out for PND after you give birth.

enjoy these last few weeks - you will be so busy once the baby arrives, I am sure the guilt thing will go flying out of the window!

ooh thanks...I do feel a bit better already!

Should have mentioned that the room that will be the nursery is actually DSS's room at the moment. It's very small so sadly no spare room for toys or anything. We do have a large garage which we are setting up as a playroom for them both, though it's a bit cold at the moment.

Their mum had a baby boy with her new partner 2 years ago so she is all too aware of the havoc a baby/toddler can wreak! She cried a lot about her little brother stealing her toys etc. But I think she will be happy to help (unless it's a boy - she is very vocal about not wanting another brother!!!)

and relax...

As MJ said think outside he box of a conventional house. I often wonder where a baby would go in our house, we're not short of space as such, but it has 2 normal sized bedrooms and a box room you can fit a cot in an that's about it. It is do-able, just means some reshuffling.

Oh and congratulations :)

You sound like a really caring stepmum :)

Please try not to feel guilty - the fact that you obviously love them, and that you won't love them any less when baby arrives, is the most important thing.

That said, a present for each of them from the new baby won't go amiss - and heaps of praise for them being brilliant big brother and sister. Let them be involved wherever possible - Eg I used to let my DSDs choose baby clothes, read bedtime stories and spoonfeed etc - no pressure on them but they loved being helpful.

thank you so much for your answers. I feel calmer just having got it all out - these things do get so magnified when you stew over them.

I hadn't thought about putting up a plasterboard partition with a door, that might work well though would probably have to be a slightly longer term solution as we are running out of time and money. Will suggest it to DP though as it sounds like a good idea.

The garage isn't actually attached to the house, it's across a private road so not great for converting at the moment - though not impossible for when DSS is older, though we'd need to sort plumbing out. We are also considering a loft conversion, but again, as a much longer term solution as we are struggling a bit financially just now.

Am very relieved to hear about other kids with birthdays close together not being a problem. And yes, presents...a very good idea.

Oh, it's so good to be able to get some practical advice. Thank you so much. I just want to be able to enjoy the baby and for everyone to be happy...x