Would really like some ex-wife advice.

[SingleStep]

Hello

I've not posted here before and been reading lots of posts which have made me even more fearful of the future!

I am a single Mum (have been since before birth) to a toddler. Recently have met Mr Perfect - well, aside from being married (separated 2 years before meeting me).

He has 2 children similarly aged to mine and I like them a lot and am actually excited for my child to have them as step-siblings.

I'm really struggling with the wife though. I try all the time to sympathise but she makes it so hard - and reading lots of previous posts here from others I'm now worried its never going to change.

He left her because she was unbearably belittling basically. Not for me - or any other woman. I can see thats its got to be painful to be left for any reason, especially with 2 children. And I know full well what its like to be a single mother.

She does lots of apparently typical manipulative things but I dont want to go into any detail in case she is on here as it will make my life more difficult and his life utter hell. She does unreasonable things all the time - but usually related to looking after the children and of course he wants to see them as much as possible so he goes - and thats fine with me. I'd prefer he had them here, but its not allowed. Those things aren't the problem. Its more the "always getting her own way" stuff. She has a violent temper and expects everything her way, and if she doesn't get it she starts a screaming row in front of the children and calls him all sorts of names - so of course he tries to avoid confrontation with her. Therefore she gets what she wants all the time.

Then this week something happened to her (again sorry for vagueness) - something someone did that is illegal and vandalim - and she's telling people it was me.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking now. I think I'm asking if anyone has been through this and they have any gems that they wish someone else had advised them of at the start. Any coping mechanisms? How not to get angry at how mean she is to him? How not to feel selfish when she always gets what she wants? etc etc.

Thanks for listening.

And whatever you do don't call her the birth-mother!

Hi Singlestep,

Welcome to the board. You will find some very nice genuine step parents on here, you will also find some people who are intent on thinking all step parents are evil.

I'm like you, have a blended family and too understand the positives of having step siblings for my own child.

The positives for your DP is that he has someone to share the trials and tribulations his ex wife brings. You will inevitably build a bond based on a joint dislike of ex wifes behaviour, but be very careful that this doesn't completely take over your lives together. You don't want to spend all your free time talking about her and her unreasonableness - it's not healthy and if you think about it, would only make her too pleased if she knew she was creating that much attention.

Taking on someone elses children is very hard at the best of times, throw in an ex wife who makes life difficult, there are going to be times when you wish for your quiet old life and no longer putting up with this sort of hassle. Only you can decide if you are strong enough to handle it and I think it's very difficult to ascertain how bad it is until you take the plunge.

My DP's ex won't communicate with DP unless through e-mail and (in an emergency) by text. In some ways it makes it easier as you can detach a little bit and we don't have screaming rants over the phone or on the doorstep like some poor souls do.

I have found I can become very pre-occupied with some of the things she says and get very frustrated at the injustice and double standards, but I think the key is to detach as much as you can and focus on the positives in your world and realise tomorrow is another day.

Thanks very much theredhen. I shall definitely try to be detached. I know thats the best way - its just so hard when its clearly personal! But yes, the sad thing is we are happy and she is alone and unhappy. Hence trying to empathise...

Look forward to your response mjinhiding!

Thanks

You say you being accused. Please try and take this advice - those that know you will know that you are innocent and those that believe her aren't to be known. The more things that happen that you are accused of the more people will see her for what she is. Believe me - im there now!!!!

Listen to mj she speaks sense :)

I second that!

Your DH will always have an achilles heel - his children. He will put up with anything as long as he can see his children and so it seems as if she always gets her way.

Some of us had horrendous legal bills from trying to ensure that their DH's got to have regular contact with the children. And yes we have been called all the names under the sun just because we dared to have a relationship with the man the ex didn't want.

It does get to you and you can't help but take it personally sometimes. But your real friends will know the stories aren't true, your DH knows its not true and so does everyone else that matters.

it took years for DH to have the guts to stand up to his ex and he probably would have taken longer if I hadn't started off the process. He know admits it was the right thing to do and that all her bluster was just that. She has no power over him now and really that was all she wanted. Still to control the situation.

try and detach as much as possible. Make sure you never say anything bad about their mum to the children. They will realise how things are as they get older and make their own minds up and will appreciate the fact that you never slated her. We ended up with all communication on our side to text and letters.

Just come on here to vent and to your rl friends.

We have had so many lies told about us over the years and it is heartbreaking some of the lies the children heard. But ironically one of my step-children now lives with us due to circumstances and one of the others turns to his dad first with any problems.

So it can take years and a lot of tears at night but you will get there.

Thanks so much people who posted - I feel I have friends already!

I guess she could be a lot worse. I don't think she's dumb enough to take him through court (despite threatening it every time he tries to stand up to her). I think she likes having him to "use" whenever she wants a night out or a weekend "off". And I really do have no problem with him seeing the children whenever - just wish it could be here so my child and them can start a sibling relationship. Someday I guess.

Thanks for listening - and yes I will try to rant here from now on, thanks for the invitation - and try to be the perfect partner who never gets upset with the drama filled ex

(Also thanks for the tip - shall not refer to her as the Birth Mother.. that tickled me .... )

Did you just say birth mother?

Shocking...

SingleStep - you have all my sympathies. DP left his wife because she was demanding and unreasonable. However, it took him some time to work out that leaving her was just the beginning: he actually had to learn to stand up to her and not let her rule his and the DSSs' life any longer.

Hence a very protracted divorce, due to her outrageous demands. She has gradually backed down... and is now in the odd position of having a partner who is even more demanding and unreasonable than she is herself, and beginning to understand why her DH left her...

But that is all a long way from where you are. Your job now is to coach and support your new DP, to make him understand that he must fight for his right to be a father to his DC, not just a support system for their mother.

Hi,

You've had excellent advice from the ladies here. I especially think Bonsoirs comments are very valid. Leaving his ex was only the beginning, he now has a mountain to climb which must include: Finances sorted, contact sorted (and she cannot dictate that the children can't meet). Only when you get through these issue will you start to be able to live your life. I would encourage your OH to call her bluff - if she threatens legal recourse he should not be afraid of it. It's most likely that a court would award your OH regular access at your shared home.(obviously if you are a newish couple then you would not try to blend families early on). You don't need expensive legal advice, the focus is for the children to see their father - not what the parents want.
Society has such a positive image of role of 'mum' that it's hard for a dad or stepmum to challenge the behaviour of a mum however the phrase 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' was coined and understood for a reason..Just because we're female doesn't mean we behave fairly and with compassionate.
I hope your situation does improve but early indications is that you have a very difficult ex to deal with.My MIL was like this - 20 years past divorce, children all adults she will still drink wine and rant about FIL, in her case the bitterness has never decreased but as the children are older FIL is not exposed to it as much.
The group here are supportive but your OH might also benefit from the male support groups around