Oh... ok!

[Hawkmoth]

I have 2 DSDs 7 and 3. 7 yo hasn't been for weeks because "I shout at her" and she "hates" my DD. Obviously not her fault, she is playing to her audience (her mother).

So I asked DH to check if 3yo was still coming tomorrow for Bonfire night... And after 40 minutes on the phone to his ex (he's at work, so god knows what they said) he rings up and says the 7yo is coming for the weekend as well... because "it's time she stopped being so clingy" (DH's XW).

WHAT? Nothing resolved - she was supposed to be taking the child to counselling and going to a parenting group, then mediation on how to co-parent with DH.

I'm on pins now. DSD WILL report back anything that doesn't suit, so WTF am I supposed to do? Stay in my room? Hit the valium and come over all Stepford Wife? Smile and grit my teeth while she bullies DD? Obviously I have to be pleased that she's coming... but I'm not, it's a load of stress and unresolved problems at one day's notice.

I wanted it to work, it didn't... what's to think that it will work now when nothing has changed... it's like keep putting your finger in a flame.

Should be months, not weeks. She lost her maternal grandmother and had some school issues as well. It's a real shame.

See that's the thing, I tried treating them all the same... but it went tits up.

Now I sit there steaming while DH ignores their bad behaviour and my poor DD is the only one getting told.

It's just the way after all this stress, with me being blamed (and not supported) that as soon as XW changes her mind it's all back to normal without a second thought of me. Probably selfish of me, but I'm quite frightened of it all going wrong again, and being my fault again.

Is it even more wrong of me to think this is just the mother's way of wriggling out of mediation and parenting classes?

Fuck's sake. I'm not strong enough at the moment.

Thanks, it's nice to have a tiny bit of sympathy rather than people not knowing why I'm not as thrilled as DH is to see them.

DSD's mother has serious issues over bringing up children, namely "give them what they want" with no long-termism... So when things were going great, everyone was happy and DSD wrote "Dear Mummy, Hawkmoth is horrible to me" (because I'd called her on destroying a picture of DD's)... that made her withdraw contact.

Meh, I'll have a craftathon on my own for an upcoming stall... just thought! This is probably my own fault for sending them a Halloween parcel with a few bits in last week! Silly me ;)

I CAN Cope, I WILL NOT have my breakdown this week.

Hang in there Hawkmoth- I feel for you, because I have been there oh so many times...

As MJ says so well- Be yourself!

Praise the good and ignore the bad (last one the hardest!!)

DSD will grow up eventually and realise you are sensible. Believe me she will wise up. Mine did.

You can do it -

I'll echo a lot of what mj has said (as usual!). In particular stop caring what the exW thinks of you, you could be a saint or a sinner and she will paint the same picture of you for her children, you cannot do anything to control this.

In fact in my experience the nicer you are to her children the more poisonous she will be about you, because she will have to work harder to undo all the good you have tried to do. I used to liken it to an animal greeting their young back into the den with licking and grooming them half to death to get rid of the scent of wherever they had been!!

My youngest DSS hasn't wanted to visit for years but his Mum kept sending him, her free time clearly more important than his feelings.

One of the very helpful stepmums on here told me about 'detaching' (may have even been mj!). To me that meant only be involved in discipline and arrangements where absolutely vital, continue to care for her as part of the family but remember that you cannot change how she feels about you, and she may never say that she has loved you like a mum. (oh and it is always the stepmum's fault!)

You, your DD and your DH are a family, your DSDs are your family too and should be treated as such but this shouldn't mean that your DD loses out.

I made the mistake of making it all about the DSSs when they were with us, always doing something on 'their' weekend for them, wrong, it should be about all of you.

You have my sympathy, but I have found there is a great deal of help to be had here.

After talking to DH, discovered that she was going to make them both come now because a) they've been so clingy with her and b) "you can do so much more with them than I can".

Grr.

(It's all lies, we just put them in the shed - no wonder they are clingy...)

And still no thought that he could have at least checked with me before agreeing.

Just hope that some of the bad behaviour she's learnt recently will wither and die in the face of my studied ignorance.

My youngest SD tells her mum she doesn't like coming here because of me. It's so hurtful even though I try not to let it get to me. Once when the DSD's were here their mother rang to speak to them and the youngest started crying on the phone and said I'd been horrible to her (not true and she was fine before the phone call) so her mum came over and picked her up!

They just say what their mother wants to hear half the time.

I worry that my DH will start to believe it - it's hard for him to accept that his DD could be telling an untruth.

I just feel that I have to watch what I say all the time and it's really not in my nature to do that!

I think it can be very hard for the dads to realise that no matter what happened, it's likely that the little girl will still think the evil stepmother took him away from her mummy. It's very simplistic, I admit, but quite common.

I'm with you on the watching what you say though, it's such hard work.

I think she still has hopes that mummy & daddy will get back together - although I doubt she can really remember them being together.

That's grim.

MJ- That is shocking !

Mind you, DH's Ex had the OM in their own house, in their bed while DSD1 and DSD2 were in the lounge playing. The good thing is they we very little and don't remember this very well.

"My youngest DSS hasn't wanted to visit for years but his Mum kept sending him, her free time clearly more important than his feelings"

Or possibly, she thought it important that he see his father regularly?