Is it me?

[glasscompletelybroken]

Bonfire night tomorrow and there is a display in our village and also one in the next town a few miles away. Conversation in our house last night:
Me: shall I pick up tickets for the village fireworks tomorrow?
DH: No I haven't decided which one we'll go to yet, I will ask the girls tomorrow(2 x DSC)
Me: They'll probably choose different ones.
DH: If they do then I'll decided which one we go to.

ER, HELLO - silent scream from invisible step-mum in the corner!!!

I know it's just a firework display and I'm probably getting it all out of proportion, BUT - It's like this all the time. Me just tagging along with whatever they have decided to do between them, having no say at all.

I can sort of understand how it happens but it's so frustrating.

is it me?

Good good suda, il tell you its not always plain sailing and good. The exW makes sure of that however most (and i say most not all the time) me and DP are going off the same book and DSD knows that she cant play me if only the exW will realise that hehe

You see SMUMMY - thats what we are always on about on here - if only these Disney Dads - or Lionesses with cubs as I call them would realise what a difference it makes to sing off same hymn sheet - my DH had a flash of that once - when my DSS was 22 and his dad worked away for a few months - he couldnt play us off each other and my rules applied - great so far - but then he decided he would start ringing his Dad every time he had a complaint about me - and tell tales - big mistake - DH has very stressful job on buiding sites running about 50 builders - deadlines - contractors to deal with etc.

So on one particularly mad day DH gets a phone call from DS whinging that Suda wont put the heating on for another hour and I'm freezing etc etc. and DH just lost it with him - told him to fucking grow up and stop whinging to him about me as he wasnt interested and then hung up on him. Ladies you would have paid good money to see DSSs face - absolute classic !

But you know what - he never rang his dad up again to tell another tale about me - and his Dad was away another 6 months after that.

I agree with you, what the child needs are parents noe a mum who they live with most of the time and a 'friend' who they see at a weekend. My DP is a strong believer in my DSD has 2 homes and although we do things at the weekend we do normal stuff too, like housework, cooking, washing etc basically things we'd do if she lived here full time.

Yes I do think the natural parent holds the master key in stepfamily relations - I honestly think since becoming a s/mum that the 'wicked' stepmother who is always blamed is a product of the situation rather than the cause - the key seems to lie with the step'child' - or adult as in my case - not being allowed to play the parents and stepparent off against each other. As is proven in your case SMUMMY it can then work.

How bloody crap ! Apart from letting kids aged 10 & 7 decide which display to go to (what's wrong with telling them, and really, how many kids would object to being told they were going to any display ?), what's with the " I haven't decided yet" and " I will decide" from him ?! Surely where you're going should be a joint discussion between the pair of you ?

I hate all this inappropriate power being handed over to little (and not so little) step kids because their dads are so scared of "upsetting" them. Half the time I don't think any "upset" would be caused anyway, it's just the dad's paranoia that if the precious children don't get exactly what they want they will vote with their feet and refuse contact. There's nothing wrong in giving kids a "choice" sometimes between A and B .... but only when A and B have already been agreed as acceptable whichever way the kids choose.

It's bloody rude to a) leave you out of the decision, and b) expect you to go along with whatever's decided. Let him decide - and then tell him that you've decided on an alternative. Not an ideal solution I know and it does have a bit of an element of cutting off your nose to spite your face if you'd been looking forward to doing it together but maybe it'll ram the message home that you're not some sort of meek sheep.

What would happen if you said, "don't I get a say in this?"

Reasonable enough question, I would think. As a point of principle.

ROFL at CATSMOTHER - Just under my last armchair expert psyco babble opinion on causes of disjointed step-families you started a post with

'What bloody crap'

thought you meant my post - was gonna say 'thats a bit harsh Cat'

Ha ha !

Well I often do ask that question but nothing changes. He says it's for the kids so they can decide. His parenting style is quite different from mine but he is entitled to do things his way. Problem is that the result of that is me feeling like they are a family unit and I'm an add on.

very well put GLASS - an add on - indeed.

I often feel so very marginalised in my own home - and you darent mention on a stepparenting thread that its your jointly owned house fgs - you get flamed for having a bad attitude by saying that and no wonder you have trouble with ss etc etc - whats that about ???

IME its me thats being treated like a second class - dont take any notice of her - citizen
pro-actively by the adult ss and passively by his father.