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Original poster

Is it me?

35 replies

glasscompletelybroken · 04/11/2010 08:36

Bonfire night tomorrow and there is a display in our village and also one in the next town a few miles away. Conversation in our house last night:
Me: shall I pick up tickets for the village fireworks tomorrow?
DH: No I haven't decided which one we'll go to yet, I will ask the girls tomorrow(2 x DSC)
Me: They'll probably choose different ones.
DH: If they do then I'll decided which one we go to.

ER, HELLO - silent scream from invisible step-mum in the corner!!!

I know it's just a firework display and I'm probably getting it all out of proportion, BUT - It's like this all the time. Me just tagging along with whatever they have decided to do between them, having no say at all.

I can sort of understand how it happens but it's so frustrating.

is it me?

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Petal02 · 04/11/2010 08:51

No. it?s not just you. Things like that happen in our house all the time ? for example:

DH: shall we have a takeaway tonight? KFC or pizza?
Me: pizza?
DSS: KFC?
DH: great, I?ll head off to KFC

At which point I wonder why he bothered asking my opinion in the first place. Again, its only trivia, but I understand TOTALLY where you?re coming from.

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 04/11/2010 08:57

Thank you Petal. I feel like such a bitch sometimes moaning about things like that but it's so hard living in a family where you're just not an equal part.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother talking at all!

OP posts:
FreudianSlimmery · 04/11/2010 08:58

Hard to tell without knowing more examples really. Does your DH know how you feel?

Could stem from his guilt, he wants to give in to them to make them happy.

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 04/11/2010 09:01

Yes he knows how I feel but he doesn't understand it! I think like most men he really wants everything to be fine so buries his head in the sand a bit when I'm not!

He doesn't really have guilt issues but he does always do what they want. He's a really good dad I think but that doesn't always leave much room for me.

God that sounds selfish.

OP posts:
FreudianSlimmery · 04/11/2010 09:04

Why doesn't DH understand it? Can't be that hard to grasp the concept of stepmum feeling a little pushed out.

Do you get on well with the dscs? How old are they?

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 04/11/2010 09:07

10 & 7 and yes inspite of their mothers best efforts we get on OK.

I think it is hard for him to understand because he had a step-dad and it all seemed to work fine but I do think step-mums have a harder time generally.

OP posts:
Petal02 · 04/11/2010 09:53

It's that DisneyDad thing again - renders even the most reasonable man completely unable to see sense.

FreudianSlimmery · 04/11/2010 09:57

I don't really understand why men get like it tbh, I sympathise with the guilt but being a dad isn't about being a best mate, you still have to be a parent which means discipline etc.

Thankfully my DH who has 3 older kids has found a good balance.

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 04/11/2010 10:04

My DH does discipline his kids but he's nothing like as strict as I was with mine. It does cause problems because I have to live with behaviour I wouldn't have accepted from mine but on the other hand I wouldn't have liked someone else telling me how to discipline my DC's.

It's just one of the things that makes being a step-mum so hard I think.

OP posts:
Sushiqueen · 04/11/2010 10:30

I must admit I would be tempted to go and buy a ticket just for myself.
Them when they have finally sorted out which one they are going to, let him know not to bother getting one for me as I already had my own.
Saying that if he couldn't be bothered to involve me in the discussion then I would sort myself out.
I know it seems like stirring things up for the sake of it but there are times you just get fed up of having to go along with everything without being considered.
Can you tell I have got to the disengage stage so many times :)

harassedinherpants · 04/11/2010 12:33

Oh I can see your temptation to get your own.... Sometimes I think you have to stir things up a little for them to see how stupid they're being. I know I certainly do!

I have to say that dh doesn't do this, although it is the one only thing I can say this on!!

Petal02 · 04/11/2010 13:00

I too get tempted to stir things up - I confess if I'm in a bad mood, or grouchy or premenstrual, then I'm more likely to take a stand just to demonstrate my point.

But if I'm feeling calm and chilled, then I can see the merit in letting things go. Although if you let things go too often, you end up setting a precedent.

pleasechange · 04/11/2010 13:08

OP - it's not just you. Every other weekend we have the ridiculous situation of not knowing what time DSS is playing football on a Friday evening (he is 15 but is unable to find out himself, relying on his mother to sort it all out). Out of spite she refuses to tell DH what is going on until the last minute.

Upshot is we never know what is happening on a Friday evening until Friday afternoon, meaning I can never make plans to go out as someone needs to stay in with the baby. Grrr it does my head in.

I have a good mind to arrange to arrange to go out in any case and let them all sort themselves out

Petal02 · 04/11/2010 13:38

We used to have the frustrating situation of not knowing what Christmas arrangements were being made - DH used to rely on DSS to tell us what his mother planned to do, DSS used to forget to ask, and we could never make any plans. However after two years of festive insanity, I instructed DH to be master of his own destiny, and tell the ex what we were doing that year, rather than wait for a last-minute directive regarding her plans.

Suda · 04/11/2010 14:08

Hi Petal - and no OP you are not being petty - you really have to stand up for yourself as a s/mum and now and again say Oi - over here - Yes me your wife and joint owner of this house - remember me ??

Re your 'whats for tea' script Petal - I was told to keep quiet last night to DSS that me and his dad [shock horror] had gone out doing some errands and spontaneously Shock decided to have a takeaway for tea and sat in the car eating it. Needless to say I told DSS gleefully and even more gleefully that I had his favourite and it was delicious - so Disney dads beware - you bring out the worst in us.

disclaimer - no young s/children were starved or hurt in this story - my ss is an adult.

Original poster
glasscompletelybroken · 04/11/2010 14:14

I don't know how it is that I spend so much time and effort trying to make everyone happy and trying to be reasonable but still end up feeling bad!

I don't actually care which display we go to - I was just trying to be helpful offering to get the tickets and now I wish I hadn't bothered.

I'm not going to mention it again and will just go with the flow - again...

OP posts:
Suda · 04/11/2010 14:27

Yes Glass I am much happier since I stopped trying so hard and just being a teeny weeny bit selfish considerate to my own needs now and again.

Petal02 · 04/11/2010 14:36

Suda - you wicked lady!! But I confess, I'm wicked too - cos I find myself telling DSS of the fun things we did (or are planning to do) on child-free weekends ..... And hey, really looking forward to that week in Tenerife, knowing darn fine that DSS won't be going with us .....

I'm sure DSS knows he can do no wrong in his father's eyes, but, guess what, I get to live here ALL THE TIME, not just alternate weekends!!!!

You're right, DisneyDads do bring out the worst in us !!!!!

SMummyS · 04/11/2010 15:17

Petal & suda you crack me up the way you word things... I'm lucky I've only had to stick up for myself twice as DP usually listens to me.. I'm the keeper of the money and he knows it would hurt me but I would up and leave if he ignored me :-D luckily DSD adores me so I have a good say in things hehe

Suda · 04/11/2010 16:32

Well SMUMMY I think me and PETAL can rest our case - DP usually listens to you = you dont have to be a wicked stepmother ever = DSD adores you.

[self-righteous - exonorated - yet jealous at the same time emoticon]

SMummyS · 04/11/2010 18:01

I'm sorry suda....

Suda · 04/11/2010 18:13

Thats ok SMUMMY - even us wicked stepmothers do like to hear a heartwarming tale of when it all goes well.

I am now looking for a [self-righteous - exonorated - yet jealous at the same time - yet magnanimous at all times emoticon]to sum up how I feel.

< Heres my medication oh goody - 'Ok - coming Matron' >

Petal02 · 04/11/2010 18:16

Just gotta tell ya - DSS has just arrived for the weekend (yes, I know weekends don't usually start on Thursdays for normal folk, but we live in Disney Towers, just down the road from La La Land) - I asked DH if he was planning on working all day on Saturday. If he'd said 'yes' I was going to tell him I wasn't prepared to have DSS hanging round the house with me all day, in DH's absence.

But ......

Guess what ......

DH said he'd be going to work at 8am on Saturday and taking DSS with him !!!! Hallelujah!! Praise the Lord!!! It will give DSS the shock of his life - imagine: a 16 yr old having a Saturday job! How dreadful! DSS will probably call Child-line !!

Suda · 04/11/2010 18:30

Petal you really make me Grin Grin Grin

Love it - Disney Towers.

Hope youre gonna get up and make sure he goes and take the piss see him off with a butty and flask.

Oh this is hysterical - you must post on Saturday - we'll all give him a wave !

Petal02 · 04/11/2010 18:35

Too right Suda, I shall be smirking in my dressing gown when they leave the house, and shall make loud remarks about going back to bed. Tee hee hee - DSS having to behave like a 'normal' 16 year old..... there really IS a god !!!!