Interesting debate

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

I've got a situation when my husband used to be a stepdad himself and he didn't mind it at all. Thus he assumes I should have the same approach. He can't understand that I don't.

So I ask you ladies:

Is there a difference in the way the genders approach step-parenting?

Find me one story where there is a wicked step-father and we have a starting point!

Gosh what a task!

So if we assume men find step parenting easier, why do you think this is?

OK here's one

I suspect some men find it easier because they don't notice chaos/change of routine/lack of privacy in the same way that us girls do.

Just throwing this in here, don't really want to get flamed:

Could it have something to do with parenting beeing seen as "womens work" so that a lot more is expected of Stepmums? And by being female we are 'supposed' to be more receptive? To love all children, as it were. And when we don't we are 'wicked', yet when men don't they are just being men?

There's lots of bits to this but I know why I personally find it harder being a step-parent than my ex-husband would so I'll start with that!

It's because with my ex and our children I did 90% of the child-rearing, disciplining, school involvement, nursing etc and made 90% of the day to day decisions involving our children from big to small issues. To then move to a situation where you are barely allowed to have an opinion on anything to do with the children who are living with you for 50% of the time is just too hard to live with.

Even for a non-maternal type like me it's pretty hard when you are told you can't read your DSC stories, brush their hair, ask them not to jump on your bed or even be on your own with them.

it's like being a spectator in your own home.

I think I'll be back to this - that's just for starters! it's a fascinating topic, thanks FLTD.

I also think that female step parents get 'put on' quite a lot too. For example, you regularly hear of fathers who fight to get custody/regular access, only for them to be at work/absent when the access occurs, and for their new partners to have their access for them.

And this is because lots of women work shorter hours than men, the man thinks 'oh, I'm supposed to have access tonight, but I'm playing football, but my partner is at home, so that's fine.'

I call it 'access by proxy.'

Trust me, no difference in genders. You get the good, the bad and the ugly in both. I could go through my story, but it would take a long time, suffice to say

step dad in picture, step dad decides real dad (that's me) is crap and unfit and makes it plain in handling child

mum is happy to fight for custody but happy to leave child with step dad or childcare because she can't actually cut work hours down despite claiming in court she would

Yes as dad, I don't want to hear how step parent contradicts my rules - because I am unfit

blah blah

I agree that generally step fathers do a lot less for their step children on a practical and emotional basis. My ex partner did very little at all for my son, except spend some time in the same room as him.

I however, do school runs, read stories, make dinners, do washing, look after them alone, help with homework, write notes to teachers, mediate in their arguments, discuss how to respond to snotty e-mails from the ex wife etc. etc.

It's very easy to feel used and put upon in my role as a stepmum, but a lot less so for my partner (partly because he has 4 kids, and I have 1). Therefore I know I have it harder and it's why I get upset when DP has a moan about DS.

I think that's right - SDs generally do a whole, whole lot less of the day to day nitty gritty than SMs do. "Acess by proxy" can totally relate to that Petal02.

I remember reading somewhere in some 'proper' research that SDads are broadly accepted as finding the relationship easier - I think it was written in 'Stepmother's Parachute' (but I can try and confirm the reference for it if anyone wants) - but it didn't go on to give a whole load of reasons why.

I'm always harping on about this book but it does go into this in some detail so worth a read - Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin.

I think I need to get these books!!

I def think my dh finds being a step dad easier as my ds's are older and have both left home now. Ds1 left before we got together and we had ds2 for 3 yrs I think, and due to ds2's age it was of a "mates" relationship.

On the other hand dsd is coming tomorrow (was meant to be today, but changed again without anyone telling me!) and I'll be expected to make up her bed etc, normally she's here on a Friday pm and dh trains that night and it wouldn't enter his head to change it, but he will put off a night out for me and him......[hhmm].

I think it definitely boils down to the different kinds of relationships men and women have with children. Women are still seen as the main care givers imo, and (certainly in my case) I think this can lead to confusion of the roles. Add into this differences how you rear your children, and I think it can become very difficult.

I always wondered if I would have found it eaiser if I had a step son, as at the time dh and I met I hadn't had any experience with rearing girls and it was all a bit of a shock.