Family Court......Kids don't want to see their dad anymore.

[stressed2day]

Hi Everyone,

I was with my childrens father for 11 years, and we split up in 2008. Within 12 months he met, married, and had a child with his wife, he's taken on her 2 sons, stopped working so he doesn't have to pay maintenance to our 2 daughters and basically just wants everything his way.

My daughters (age 12 & 10) have got to the stage where they don't want to visit their dad anymore (They feel pushed out, and he never used to spend much time with them when they went to visit anyway). This has resulted in him taking me to court for access (The first court date was today).

I had to speak to a CAFCASS officer first who showed me a statement that my ex partner has made.......which contained ALOT of lies. When I mentioned the lies, the CAFCASS officer basically didn't want to know.

He's claiming that he was never violent during our relationship, but he was.

He's saying that I'm stopping him from seeing the kids because I'm jealous of his marriage & new baby...This couldn't be further from the truth as I wanted out of our relationship for years & I've asked the children many many times if they want to visit him, but they say no.

He's denying giving our then 11 year old daughter alcohol on an overnight stay...When he in fact gave her a glass of wine & some Baileys (I never allowed the kids to stay overnight at his house after this).

He's saying he made every effort to see the kids... But it was always us who had to ring/text him to arrange visits & then I would drop them off & pick them up on days & times to suit him.

Etc Etc Etc

I feel stuck because if he is going to lie his way through all this, then how can we be given a fair hearing.

My solicitor only writes down about 1 out of every 10 things that I tell her, so I feel like I'm getting nowhere.

The kids are in tears sometimes because they're worried they'll be "made" to see their father when they really don't want to at this moment in time. I did ask my ex to talk to the kids to see why they're feeling the way they are, but he just went straight to a solicitor and started these proceedings.

They have never had a father-daughter bond at all, so its not as though they feel like they're missing out on anything...They're doing better at school recently, they seem alot happier since they haven't been visiting him.....

Where do we stand in all this??

Thanks for reading

first thing i would do is change solicitors, find one you are comfortable and confident in...

Then start a diary of every phone call, text etc and try and create a comphrensive record with dates if possible of whats happened in the past.

Then, contact your gp and ask for a referral to a child counsellor for your two or at the very least see the health visitor - they arent just for babies! The health visitor can either counsell themselves or ensure the kids have someone neutral to talk to, this helped me when ds who is 11 was being bullied at school!

Also, let your childrens school know whats going on as this will affect them and they will at least be able to help if it impacts school

And most importantly, lots of hugs and reassurance for the children and keep your home as stable as possible....

When i was 10 i was allowed to refuse access btw, that was 28 years ago so i should imagine they will listen to their opinions too...

Good luck xx

What was said in court today? What will next step be?

Hi Thanks very much for your replies,

I've already written down different things that have happened over the last fews months & was able to tell the cafcass officer 'some' of these things when they rang me a few days ago. However, when reading my statement today, he has only written down part of what I said & in his own words Whereas my ex's statement makes him look like "the perfect dad"

I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but it seems as though they're siding with my ex already, because everytime I opened my mouth to say something today, cafcass would dismiss it & start going on about "how children need their fathers"...He said they are going to talk to the children soon (probably in school), to hear what their wishes & feeling are, but its unlikely that what they say will affect the final decision, because of their ages.

Next steps are - For me (and their father) to go onto some parenting information programme, and the next court date is on the 15th December.
xx

Oops, I meant to say I've writen down different things that have happened over the last few "YEARS" not months

We are now on our 4th hearing. Cafcass did a 12o report on me after i was accused of having a drink and mental health problem which meant i had been in trouble with the police. When this came back clear - she still accused me of being dangerous.
My partner is talking of abandoning the whole thing. Because everyone cafcass, judge etc seem partial. I know it seems like you are being ignored but hopefully for us both it will turn out ok.

In my experience Cafcass won't accept/admit that there was violence in a relationship unless there are police records. I'd been with xh for 15years, most those abusive, but I had never gone all the way through the legal system and actually had him prosecuted.

When it came to residency, my ds's were a similar age to your children and their views were very much taken into account. The only thing I would say is that both the judge and cafcass will want your dd's to have some kind of relationship with their father, unless there is a major reason not to.

Get the best solicitor you can, it's worth every single penny.