Access arrangements when stepchildren start a Saturday job

[Petal02]

Reading the previous thread about access/secondary school made me think ....

SS16 is keen to get a Saturday job. He wants some extra pocket money,and the experience would be good for him. However, as I've said previously, our access regime is set in stone, and I just can't see how he's going to fit a Saturday job round these weekends, particularly as we live a fair distance from his mother. Ideally he could seek work somewhere between the two addresses, but that doesn't always pan out in practice.

I know I got flamed before for suggesting that we could have a less rigid routine at this age. But surely the fact that he wants to work, is an indication that we could tweak the arrangements?

Before you all come after me with garden implements, I'm not suggesting less access, just more of a 'pop in/out' arrangement, otherwise if he can find work, any hours would be dictated by whose house he was staying at. I should point out that we don't live very near the ex wife. So it's not like he could go to work regardless of where he was staying that weekend.

We don't mind doing lifts to/from work when it's our weekend, but his mother won't help him out when he's with her. So that also places another restriction on things.

So we're now at a stage where the rigid arrangements are now impeding him from doing normal things, and I really think enough is enough. He's desperately shy, not a good mixer, and having his miniscule work/social opportunities halved by alternate weekend access is really frustrating.

Surely it's reasonable by now to arrange hi visits on a week-by-week basis? With husband, it's like it would never enter his head to challenge the status quo, but from where I'm standing, it's all starting to get a bit silly.

Any thoughts?

Thanks Redhen - I'll keep you posted!!!

I feel quite guilty, because I can't fault SS's behaviour - there's not a bad bone in his body. The one downside is humungous lack of life-skills, and zero interest in socialising, sport, parties etc.

However, I still don't see why I should have to have him hanging round the house alternate Saturdays, when DH is working all day. What is the point in that ????

I'm not one to go against the grain, as you know, but some teens/children do find it hard to fit in, find a clique of friends and consequently outside interests. It maybe lack of social skills, lack of suitable fellow interests, lack of people wanting to be their friends, insecurity, or just lack of interest. I think I've known kids from all types, and when they've grown up, open to a wider world things become easier (in most of the cases)

It can be difficult for naturally social people to understand that.

Just a thought

Wildfish, you might well be right. But even so, do you honestly think it's reasonable that DH wants to have SS every other Saturday, even though he works all day, and ends up leaving him with me?

Or is it just me being a nasty old bag?

As DSS is now 16 yrs old (old enough to join the army-or get married!)I think it is time to stop treating him as a young DC. DSS needs to be more assertive about the access and get it to suit his needs i.e. being in the right place for a Saturday job.

Thanks for that Pisces - sometimes I get so frustrated that I can't see the situation clearly and its good to get other opinions.

I'm torn on this, as while I've often had dsd alone its never been a regular thing as the whole point of her visits are to see DH.

Having said that, matbe your SS just likes the change of scenery and would rather hang out at his dad's than with his mum, even if his dad isn't there.

Petal: Bit harder to say for a 16 year old, but personally I don't like the idea of having access only to hand it over to someone else - makes no sense and I don't see the point of that.
But maybe he thinks it is like a budget, if I give it up now I'll never get it back. Or perhaps he sees you and him as one, so staying with you is the same thing :)

PS getting a job for his own self esteem and benefit - good thing. A job for getting him out of your hair - not so good. And I'd love to get paid to not go to work .... if only

People start these access times when DCs are young and the years go by and no one thinks it is nolonger appropriate. DSS needs to get changes to suit everyone, rather than allow himself to be treated like a package.