Access arrangements when stepchildren start a Saturday job

[Petal02]

Reading the previous thread about access/secondary school made me think ....

SS16 is keen to get a Saturday job. He wants some extra pocket money,and the experience would be good for him. However, as I've said previously, our access regime is set in stone, and I just can't see how he's going to fit a Saturday job round these weekends, particularly as we live a fair distance from his mother. Ideally he could seek work somewhere between the two addresses, but that doesn't always pan out in practice.

I know I got flamed before for suggesting that we could have a less rigid routine at this age. But surely the fact that he wants to work, is an indication that we could tweak the arrangements?

Before you all come after me with garden implements, I'm not suggesting less access, just more of a 'pop in/out' arrangement, otherwise if he can find work, any hours would be dictated by whose house he was staying at. I should point out that we don't live very near the ex wife. So it's not like he could go to work regardless of where he was staying that weekend.

We don't mind doing lifts to/from work when it's our weekend, but his mother won't help him out when he's with her. So that also places another restriction on things.

So we're now at a stage where the rigid arrangements are now impeding him from doing normal things, and I really think enough is enough. He's desperately shy, not a good mixer, and having his miniscule work/social opportunities halved by alternate weekend access is really frustrating.

Surely it's reasonable by now to arrange hi visits on a week-by-week basis? With husband, it's like it would never enter his head to challenge the status quo, but from where I'm standing, it's all starting to get a bit silly.

Any thoughts?

No blow torches here!

DSD got a Sat Job and out access changed - simple as that. On the weekends shes coming to ours we pick her up at 2 on a Saturday and have her till Sun Eve.

Talking to her she was v happy with the new arrangement as she was getting more and more invites to do things with her friends on a Fri night anyway.

At first access arrangements are all about the children getting time with both parents, but that doesn't mean that as they get older those same arrangements that were good for them when they were 6 are for the best when they are 16.

I think both parents need to listen to what your DSS wants and then work out a new arrangement that is best for him where he can work if he wants to.

I talked to husband about this last night, and he actually conceded that tweaking the access arrangements to accommodate the job would be a good idea. So far so good .....

So we then told SS that we were happy to be more flexible to make a Saturday job a possibility. SS said he didn't want to change the access schedule, and if he couldn't fit a job round the access, then he wouldn't bother getting a job. Husband was mortified that his little cherub might have been traumatised by the conversation, and immediately told him not to bother getting a job, to keep the accesss the same for as long as he wants, and (get this) he'll pay him a 'wage' to sit in the house on Saturdays .....

What sort of adult will he turn into FFS??

Just when I thought there might be some light at the end of the tunnel. Silly me.

Oh Petal, I'm so sorry, your good intentions have been turned completely the other way.

You are very right in that your DH is not doing his son any favours whatsover.

Oh that's just blooming ridiculous.

Its one thing to say OK, don't get a job then. Its another to PAY him not to get a job. Agree with theredhen that its not doing him any favours.

Having a Saturday job isn't just about money, its about going out and experiencing the world, making new friends, meeting people outside of your normal circles of families and school. Now he has absolutely no incentive at all. [hhmm]

I am appreciating that perhaps I have it very easy with my DSD as she was eager to get a job and earn her own ££.

The bottom line seems to be: do absolutely ANYTHING, other than be flexible with access .....

He's never going to remotely independent if he's permanently treated like a baby.

mj re Take That, - you are so very naughty [henvy] good skills.

Petal - how very annoying, and so breathtakingly ridiculous, your SS i s being infantile and sorry to say your DH is being a plank in allowing him to be.

No suggestions apart from attending Mj's school of hissy fits.

As regards being paid not to work - I've learnt to pick my moments with these sort of subjects, and I shall definitely raise it over the weekend.

And I shall also remind DH that when HE was 16, he joined the Armed Forces - and if he was robust enough to go through basic training at that age, then surely SS16 should be able to deal with a minor change of access and a bit of pot-washing in a local pub .....

Paying a teenager not to work??!! Is he nuts?? I hope my ds 2 never reads that [hwink].

I think if ss is prepared to give up on the idea of a job so easily, then he can't have been that fussed in the first place. If he seriously wants to earn some extra pocket money can you not farm him out to friends and family to wash and clean cars etc?? That's what my ds2 used to do at his age.

mj - that made me cackle [hwink]

I agree that SS is being infantile. He's quite happy to be carted around between two houses, as per her mother's instructions, with no will to be even vaguely independent, or interact with Real Life.

Add Disney Dad into the mix and you can see how we ended up with the "I'll pay you not to bother working" arrangement.

This is going to be tackled today. If SS has now decided he doesn't want a job, then that's up to him, but he can't receive wages for his apathy. That's not how the world works, if you want money you've got to earn it.

It's like both DH and SS are now saying it's not possible to get a Saturday job given the access schedule - implying its something that just can't be changed. It's like neither or them can (or wish to) see past it - access HAS to happen on prescribed days, just as day follows night ......

What next? Will university be off limits, on account of the sodding access schedule?

Thank you for understanding my frustrations!

PS - husband and I have just booked a short break over New Year. Looking at the calendar, this clashes with an access weekend. But I don't care. He'll be 16-and-a-half by then, and I'm just not living by a rota any more.

MJ - had to laugh about the Take That tickets !!!!

I think you should be encouraging your dss to take more control of the contact arrangements. It should really be him telling, not asking, his parents, that they're going to change as he has a job.

What is the mum going to do about it? She can hardly take the matter to court if it's the son's idea.

At the moment, I think you're banging your head against a brick wall with your dh, and you should change tactics to join forces with your dss.

Sadly, though, it may be too late for that now that your husband has signalled that he is going to be a pushover.

The ex wife is always very keen to despatch SS to his Dad's as often as possible, so I doubt she'd mind (let alone go to court) if she saw less of him.

I agree that SS should be driving the contact arrangements at his age, but in reality that's not happening. He's said he wants to stick with the present arrangements, and as he doesn't socialise, go to parties or play sport, there's been nothing to 'get in the way' of EOW access.

We were delighted when he said he wanted a Saturday job, but as soon as he realised it wasn't possible (geographically) without changing the access schedule, he changed his mind and said he'd leave it.

I doubt the ex wife would have much input into this - she wouldn't mind if he played football on the motorway on access weekends, just so long as he's out of her hair. The only time I think we'd encounter resistance from her, is if SS was going to come to us less. I think SS is well aware of she's highly in favour of sticking to EOW and as DH has now offered a 'stay at home salary', he can carry on behaving like he's 9, get paid, and keep both parents happy.

Am extremely frustrated about this. He wants to go to Uni, but without anything to put on the 'personal statement' (ie jobs, hobbies) part of his application form, he's unlikely to get a place.

Maybe he wants to stick with the schedule as his mother's attitude makes him feel insecure, and letting go of the schedule feels frightening? Maybe he would actually like more time with your DH and doesn't know how to raise the issue?

Agree paying him for doing nothing is a bad idea, but as DH has offered it, could you not find a compromise and have him "work" for you - set some hours during access where he does work that is needing done around the house, maybe not normal chores, but extras - DIY, cleaning windows that sort of thing. Set an hourly rate, and if he doesn't do the job, he doesn't get the cash. That way, he learns at least a bit about responsibility and a work ethic.

You might be right, in that he is scared of letting go of the rota. However he's 16, and all we're trying to do is introduce a little flex to the arrangements, surely a young adult of that age should be able to cope with a minor change of routine?

An ideal solution would be if he worked with my husband (who's a builder) on Saturday mornings. But we tried this about six months ago - husband never likes to get SS out of bed on a Saturday morning, so he goes off to work, SS texts his Dad when he wakes up, around midday, husband comes home to collect him, but if SS ever says he's tired, cold, hungry etc, husband had to literaly down tools and bring him back home again .... so it was hardly a proper experience of work. Husband doesn't want to start doing this again, because obviously he's not getting much building work done whilst running round after SS.

I just couldn't get DH to see how ridiculous all this was.

So given how much he treats him like a baby, and given the apathy SS shows, I am indeed banging my head against a brick wall.

As regards jobs round the house, there's no chance of that, husband creates Pink Fluffy Teenage Paradise on access weekends.

Sorry to sound so negative.

Sounds like it's DH that needs shaken out of the routine then! Ask him if he intends his carrying on when DSS is 20 - it's only 4 years away, and things won't change unless you as a family change them.

Well, there was an unexpected turn of events at the weekend ....... I decided to tackle DH over his suggestion to pay SS 'wages' even if he decided not to get a Saturday job.

I said that NO ONE gets wages for not working, and that it's giving him a very false view of life. DH agreed (!!!!!??!) and said he will encourage him to start looking for a Saturday job, even if it does mean a change in access, as he feels SS needs to be "encouraged towards a little independence" !!!

I coulnd't believe it - let's hope he sticks to his guns !!! And DH didn't even flinch when he realised the New Year's break we've just booked clashes with an access weekend ..... dare I hope that things might start looking up????

That does sound promising Petal, fingers crossed he keeps up the momentum.

My DH actually managed to pull his head out of the sand long enough to have a proper talk with exW this weekend about DSS's unhappy visits.

All the best for you, hoping that "Pink Fluffy Teenage Paradise on access weekends" is heading towards a less fluffy and more realistic place.

Blimey Petal, how did you manage that??! Come on tell me your secret .

One of my friends has 2 x dsd's and they're 15 & 18 now. Once the eldest got a Saturday job the EOW did stop, although the younger kept it up for a while but that's now stopped too. They live about 45 mins away, so they come down now when they want, which at the moment is every couple of months, but their father does meet them once ever couple of weeks for dinner and a catch up. Plus they're still going on holidays with them (only the posh foreign ones though, funny aye?!]. Seems to have worked out quite well for them, but then neither my friend or her dh are the type to mince their words and pander to teens. Maybe that's the solution!!

I dream of this, harassed , one day...

I am cautiously optimistic ? I made sure I broached the subject when DH was in a good mood, and I began the conversation by saying I would be very happy to help SS with the cost of driving lessons (when the times comes) but if he wants the benefits of a part time job, he needs to actually do some work.

What I really wanted to say, is that ?I find it bad enough having SS hanging round the house on a Saturday, particularly when you?re at work all day, but if you think I?m f**ing well paying him to fester, then you can damn well think again ??. ?

My next challenge is ?access by proxy.? DH is now working most Saturdays and I just don?t see the point in having SS here all day on ?access Saturdays? if his Dad?s not around. The same with mid-week nights (alternate Wednesdays). Last week was a prime example ? DH realised he wouldn?t get home til quite late on ?access Wednesday? so asked if I?d mind picking up SS on the way home from work. No problem in theory ? but why am I bringing SS to our house if DH is going to be working? Surely it would make more sense to either re-schedule that particular night, or (god forbid) skip the mid-week night on that occasion.

I want to tell DH he can?t fulfil his access ?in absentia?. It?s always frustrated me that his remit is to remove SS from the ex?s house, as per the ex?s instructions, whether DH is available or not, which seems silly to me. That?s not what access is about.

MJ - did you get much resistance from your OH, regarding not wanting to have DSD when her Dad wasn't around? I've broached this in the past, DH always argues that SS "isn't doing any harm" - which is true, but he doesn't need to be here when DH is at work. My response is "how would you like it if I regularly brought my mother over to visit, and then went shopping and left you to entertain her" but DH doesn't get it (or at least pretends he doesn't).

It seems that SS is so keen to be at our house, that he doesn't mind if his Dad's here or not, and of course, Disney Dad has always been desperate to keep him happy .... however in light of the weekend's positive turn, I plan to re-visit the 'access by proxy' issue again very soon. Wish me luck !!

Good luck Petal. xx