Access arrangements when stepchildren go to secondary school?

[zazas]

I am hoping that someone might give us some advice on what works well for stepchildren when they move on to secondary school?

DSS will start next year and at the moment he and DSD (who will start the year after) stay with us one night during the week (tuesday one week / thursday the next) and every second weekend (fri - sun night) and 1/2 holidays. We are just discussing it now to see if that sort of arrangement still works at secondary school?

The school he will be going to and the one my DD is already at does not have lockers at school so the child carries everything that they need for each day.

Does this work for kids in this situation? We are concerned that it will be difficult to plan two days ahead when they are coming to ours / plus carry everything. Also it is hard when it comes to the weekend with us and they have homework for the week ahead but books are back at their Mother's?

Is it best then to have them stay Friday to Monday morning and so go straight to school from ours - due to the uniform thing (they don't wear one now so never been an issue) or once again does that puts pressure on them to have to plan (and carry) everything.

The school is super strict about all of this by the way (having the right books) and unfortunately their Mother is not that organised and could not always be relied on to help them plan / remember.

Finally we are also thinking that then maybe as they get older it would be better to have them week on week off?

Does anyone have an experience of this? I have heard conflicting reports about this working. DSS was not keen when we briefly talked about it and I know my two children (12 and 9) would not want this option. I sort of feel that the children like the stability of one main place and as long as they have constant access and support from the other parent, they are OK with 'only' seeing them at weekends etc.

Then of course my DP would love to have them here a week at a time but the reality is that he works long hours and is away a fair bit...

Thanks for any advice!

We used to pick the DSS's up on a Friday night about 6.30pm. That gave them time to get back from school, get changed, do some homework, relax and get everything ready for ours.

We used to ask them everytime we picked them up if they had all their homework etc that had to be done.

Then we would drop them back about 6pm on a Sunday night so they had time to relax there and if necessary finish anything off before school the next day.

At secondary school they have to learn to be organised for themselves and they will soon learn that they get into trouble if they don't.

You may find that they end up dropping the night during the week especially as they get older and they get more homework. Either that or you will have to pick them up in the evening so that they can get their stuff ready for the next day before they come to you.

I can't imagine the week at one parents, then a week at the other parents working if you start it now. Their social life will start picking up and they will want to hang out with their mates more. Unless you live really close by that will be affected.

We found that once the DSS's started turning 13-14 etc they came for the weekends less as they wanted to be out with their mates and us living 30mins away impeded that. They still kept in touch with their dad by phone and text etc. And the stays became less organised and more adhoc.

We let them set the pace a bit. There were times DH insisted on seeing them but then there were times we wouldn't see them for weeks.

Ironic now that we have one living with us!

This is situation that causes difficulties at our house. When I met DH, SS was 11, and just about to start secondary school. DH had the usual alternate weekend/one night in the week arrangement. The ex wife did (and still does) expect him to stick to the rota like glue, regardless of any after-school activities, homework etc, and it has made life difficult for SS and DH.

SS is now 16, and the mid-week night (Weds) causes problems. He leaves his mother?s house on a Weds morning and obviously doesn?t get back there til Thurs evening, , and rarely remembers to bring books, PE stuff etc that he may need for school on Thur. The ex wife is unhelpful (to say the least) and abdicates any parenting responsibilities when we?re on DH?s ?watch? so she never reminds SS to bring extra items with him., so we don?t get any help at that end.

Access weekends used to mean that DH collected SS from school on Thurs night, and dropped him off at school on Monday morning. And expecting a teenage boy to forward-plan like that, without any input from his mother, was impossible, so we amended the access so that SS was dropped back home on Sunday nights.

We still end up with books, rugby boots, ties/blazers all over the place. It would be easier if the ex would co-operate, but there?s no chance of that. We live about 30 mins from the ex wife, so if something is forgotten, it?s an hours round trip for DH.

Maybe it would be easier if SS were a girl, I suspect they?re more organised? But even so, the whole books/school uniform/PE kit is a bit of a performance. I don?t have any words of advice, even my husband agrees that ?split living? doesn?t really work for anyone, but we don?t have any better ideas!

Thanks for your replies - although as I suspected it is not easy! The problems you have outlined are what I expect will be our situation. We are also 30 mins away and the ex is very unorganised - it is already difficult now and of course it is the kids who suffer (no PE shoes / forgotten swim gear / not given money for special days etc etc) We already have the scanning in and emailing of homework as it is usually left at her house! This is what worries me down the line. It is so stressful already for the kids and my DP.

My DD (at the secondary school) who is relatively organised already finds it quite full on making sure she is fully prepared each day and has voiced her concern about it working with the DSS and DSD.

Then of course there are the after school activities to fit in which are increasing...

It is not a bad idea about picking them up later on a Friday (although they could catch the bus to our house from school) just so they are organised for what they need at the weekend. It also means they can change into their clothes / shoes etc which as they get older no doubt will be more important...

My DP no doubt will feel that it is slightly less time at our house if he doesn't get them until 6ish but the irony is that as DP won't be home from work on a Friday until after 6pm anyway!

My DD and DS see their Father every second weekend (he is too far away for a week visit) and I have to say that it works well having one main house and all their things at one place - far less stressful for them.

Petal, at 16, I'm surprised your ss still does the weeknight contact. Is it his preference to keep it up?

Mumblechum ? don?t get me started on that one ?.. we have exactly the same access regime now, that we had when he was 11. He?s very quiet and introverted, rarely mixes with his peers, and doesn?t have any social-life or out-of-school interests. DH is extremely overprotective and clingy, the BM likes to despatch SS to us as often as possible. SS prefers to be with us, as DisneyDad creates Teenage Paradise for him.

The upshot of this, is that we still have an intense, regimented access schedule that would suit an 8 yr old, not a young adult ???. We have to be literally out of the country to have any variation to the schedule.

I duplicate or triplicate everything that's needed, uniforms, kits, bags,, then swap back stuff. - inefficient, but works

Wow wildfish that is impressive. Sounds good in theory but cost prohibitive at this end! I guess we do it now in many ways (kids have all clothes here with us including extra coats / shoes etc) but easy to manage at their ages.

Will think about what we could double up on though...

My experience is that week on/week off works perfectly well for teenagers, but only if both houses are near enough to each other to ensure that their social life is not interrupted. Its a sad fact that for many teenagers, their mates are more important than their parents, and your DH may have to cope with the fact that he will see less of them unless you are prepared to live nearer. If it is any consolation, their mother will hardly see them either if they are the sociable types.

It is as I thought it will be GrandhighBOOba! I am expecting it still to be a few years away but a normal part of growing up and spreading the wings etc. Poor DH is in complete denial, was still keen to drive to the secondary school and pick the kids up like he does at their primary school - they were not amused!

No option to move!

I can deal with their social needs (says I with no experience so far!), I am just more concerned re the schooling and the potential for it cause problems!

My DSC take 2 days of stuff to school on the days they are coming here. They have a set of school uniform here.

BM has tried to stop weekday contact siting hassle of bringing 2 days worth of stuff to school but at DSC school they are allowed lockers and no matter how many times we ask about them getting one each, the kids come up with some excuse, I suspect their mother won't let them have one.

We have no public transport where we live and my DS doesn't go to catchment school, so sometimes we have to do 4 or 5 seperate pick ups which isn't easy when you both work full time!

I personally think it would be better for them to go home to Mum's on the contact day and we collect them all at the same time with all their stuff - would be better for them and better for us, but apparently it would interfere with BM's long weekends away with the boyfriend work.